One year ago today......

I woke up early that morning to welcome a new baby into our family. I let dh know it was time, called my midwife and my best friend. It was supposed to be easy. I'd done this 5 times before and knew what to expect. This time though something wasn't right. I was bleeding way too much. We still thought it would be ok though as I was known for fast deliveries. Then we could stop the bleeding......till I passed out. 911 was called...we waited an eternity for the ambulance. I remember laying on the floor telling them I was ok. They kept covering me up and I was so hot. The guy in the ambulance was annoying to say the least. The rest is bits and pieces. I remember an ultrasound and hearing that the baby's heartbeat was ok. My mw was so amazed because it had been very low. I remember repeatedly being stuck because they couldn't get an iv in. They finally ended up physically holding me down to put a central line in my neck. I remember extreme pain while they were pushing on my stomach. I begged them to just put me under and do a c setion. I remember trying to push their hands away from me and telling them I was going to die and they didn't have to torture me to achieve that. Then I remember icu and feeling worse than I ever have in my life. My whole body hurt. I didn't know if my baby was alive or not. They had to bring me pictures to prove he was. I remember learning that not only had they done a csection the had gone back in and done a hysterectomy. So I ended up with two surgeries within hours of each other. I remember going from icu to the maternity ward. I was so swollen I could barely move my legs. They were at least 3x their normal size. I had water blisters I was so swollen. When I got to the maternity floor they told me that if I wanted to see my baby I had to get up and walk. I cried. I couldn't walk across the room much less down that long hall. I was ready to just give up. I guess dh realized that because he got them to bring my ds to me. He was in nicu but was off oxygen and doing ok...they were just monitoring at that point. Those next few days were horrible. I hurt, I was black and blue from being stuck with needles. I had the lactation consultant from )*(( pestering me because she didn't think I'd be able to nurse. Just goes to show how little they knew. My milk was already coming in. I remember the day I left ...oh how I hated that place. the lc had just come in and told me that I HAD to formula feed and that he had a terrible suck and would probably be back in the hospital. By this time my bp was up and I was afraid they were going to keep me. All I wanted was to go home and see my other kids and be in MY bed. I went home with ds on Thursday night. I had to take him back to the lc center on Monday with a weight gain. I had to document every time he nursed and every wet/dirty diaper he had. Well he gained enough weight and at 1 yr old is still happily nursing. It has taken me a year just to physically recover from all that happened to me. Emotionally I'm still just going day by day. I try not to think about it. When I do its just almost to much to bear. We had already decided that this was our last baby but to have that choice so very firmly ripped out of my hands is hard to take. I miss having periods. I miss being part of that "sisterhood." I somehow feel inadequate now. It makes me sad to see all the new babies coming in to our church nursery and know that I can never experience that again. I look at my son though and am very grateful to have him here with me. I'm not grateful for the other changes my body is going through though. It's hard to take.

I was so taken by your story. I am to coming up on my one year on the 19th & to be honest dreading that day. I am having problems dealing with it now. I feel your pain & what you are going through right now. People always tell me "be thankful for the one child you do have", I am thankful for my daughter, but the point is like you, I find myself getting those thoughts of never being able to experience it again, like I had planned. So I understand. Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.

Renee'

thanks. It has been a day. I have gone between wanting to just sit down and cry and not wanting to feel sorry for myself. I really though dh would realize it was a hard day but he hasn't. He's not feeling well so I guess I shouldn't expect it. Even my best friend though passed it off like it was nothing. At the same time I'm experiencing two emotions. I'm overjoyed that my son is here to celebrate his birthday but at the same time its hitting me really hard that I've lost a part of me I really intended on having the rest of my life! I miss it! I guess I'm just having my own little pity party here. Online seems to be the best way to do that. Then I can just keep right on and everyone else can feel good thinking I've handled this so well.

Amen!!! Like you, this is the only place also, that I can really express how I feel & be heard not blown off!!! I wish there was something I could say to make you feel just a little better. Just know my thoughts are with you on this day! I know it is hard for you and your feelings are justified & we have the right to feel like we do. We are the ones having to deal with this loss....

Renee'

(((ginnie))) You are definately not alone with your feelings. Many woman who have children, grieve the loss of their uterus. For some reason, we attach a part of our womanhood to it and go through a process of mourning. I was far beyond child bearing years when I had my hysterectomy but because I had never grieved the loss of my child properly, when I had my hyst, *all* my sadness came tumbling out. Sharing that loss with others here has helped me. I hope it helps you too. Someone here once said, "I think the loss is about what we've already known and what might still have been. It's a connection to our sisterhood as women - to our mothers and to our grandmothers and to the continuation of a legacy of nurturing and creating life. We still have a million other things to offer, but nonetheless, for me, anyway, there is still a sense of loss". These words have stuck with me since they were posted a few years ago. I couldn't have said it better.
I hope you can get past your grief and rememeber that you are still a vibrant young mother and a loving wife. I wish you all the good things God has to give.

Please be gentle with yourself. If that means shedding some tears, so be it. The surgery was such a shock to your system (physically, psychologically, and emotionally) that I'm not at all surprised that you're still trying to deal with it a year later. I'm sure you've read other stories here from women who, like you, felt they were done with childbearing but still mourned the finality of the loss of fertility. Remember, there's no timetable for grief.

I am so thankful that you are here to share your story, and I pray that you will find a way to slowly move forward. Hold fast to your family, and let them hold on to you through this time, too.

I was so moved by your story...I can't imagine that happening and it does sound so overwhelming, horrible, and so deeply sad. I am sorry, so sorry that you had this experience happen to you. Not only did you have a c-section but then an unexpected hysterectomy. My heart goes out to you. I want to encourage you and tell you that I have alot of respect for how put-together you were in your post and courageous you are for being so positive.

I sincerely pray that your next year is a more peaceful one and that you are able to find some closure and happiness in your life.

Sincerely
Mustang30