Will this dream ever go away?

I started having this dream when I was just a child. I remember they started when I was around 5 years old. It changed through the years as I grew older but it always ended the same way. When I was young the dream always started off with me frantically going in a search for my baby doll and it would always end with me sitting in the middle of the living room floor holding an empty blanket and crying. As I grew older into my teens it changed into frantically trying to find my niece or nephew I would be baby sitting at the time, ending up sitting in the middle of the living room crying holding an empty blanket. Then it changed again to me being pregnant and through the course of the dream I started off at almost full term to find my stomach get smaller and smaller throughout the dream, to me sitting in the middle of the living room floor crying and holding an empty blanket. It has changed again, now in the end after the frantic searches and the fear of the unborn child going away to me sitting in the middle of the living room floor crying so hard and grieving for the child that was never conceived or to ever be born. I no longer hold a blanket my hands are now empty.

I understand that I'm grieving for this loss, this loss of never having a baby, of never having a family. Knowing that it stops with me, that I will never be able to pass myself onto someone else. Knowing this and understanding this doesn't make it any easier.

I made the right decision to have this surgery to end hopefully the physical pain I have been in since I was 10 years old. So maybe finally talking about this dream, letting it out will help me to move on.

Dear (((Colorado1962)))

"I understand that I'm grieving for this loss, this loss of never having a baby, of never having a family. Knowing that it stops with me, that I will never be able to pass myself onto someone else. Knowing this and understanding this doesn't make it any easier."

Your words could have been written by me. They express the same things I have felt.

That is why this site is so helpful, we share an experience and emotions in common. we may have different backgrounds but when it comes to grief and this experience we share so much.

I hope your dream gives way to a better one where you have love overflowing and time to heal.

Blessings.

Thanks so much (((Bumblebeequeen))) I know that in time I will heal not only physically, but emotionally. You are right, we all do have different back grounds, but we are all here for the same reason. In time you will also stop grieving. I hope for this dream to end or to at least change again, this time hopefully to the positive aspect that I'm healing. I've read so many different posts on this site and I grieve right along with all of you feeling the pain that we have. I'm finding that I now need to talk about this. I need to let my feelings and emotions out, we all do. Sometimes just sitting and talking about it with other ladies who are going through the same pain and grief is the therapy that we need.

Hi, As you will see from my thread ( under yours) I haev been haing dreams myself since before the hyst. I can empathsize with what you're going through.my doctor has told me that I am grieving for the children that I will never have. I just don't understand why the dreams still keep coming back?Like you I too knew that the surgery was necessary but that still dosen't help.
My dreams are not the same one ,time after time, but vary. sometimes,I'm giving birth and actually feel like I'm pushing a baby out,others I'm in a room full of cots and I'm frantically looking for the one with my baby in it and others I'm bleeding but trying to wash my uterus so that I can put it back. I always wake distressed ,do you?
The good thing about this web-site is that it helps to know that you're not alone in all of this. Please feel free to PM me if you think it would help to talk, one to one. It has certainly helped me this morning reading your post after another night with the dreams.If we can help one another through this ten at least something positive comes out of the experience.
Take Care,

Ann

Dear ((Colorado 1962)),
First, I want to say that I appreciate your words and the sincere way you expressed yourself in your post. I agree that even though we all come here with our varied backgrounds and beliefs, some where and at some point, we can all understand the loss and have that common bond together with those who lost together with us. I also think Bumblebee Queen had a great point when she alluded to saying that she hoped that your dream would give away to another better one in time after you had given yourself the time to grieve and to heal. Maybe sometimes, our dreams give lights to fragmented thoughts & feelings, fears we are dealing with at that time. I think that (just my 2 cents worth) sometimes we live things out in dreams that we can't deal with in real life. The losses you are feeling are real as I've walked a mile in those shoes too. I know also how it feels to cry for a baby I will never have. Such a sense of incomplete, but, sometime, somewhere, you will find things to fill that void. Maybe not completely, but enough for you to go on to "better dreams". I truly appreciate your honesty and the sincerity you've shown. TIme does heal, so, please don't give up or give in. You are a stong person & you'll find a way to deal with this when you can. Until then, the best advice I could give is to surround yourself with people who are supportive and keep talking and getting it all out. Hugs of support to you!

Dear (((Blondgrl)))),

I agree that time does heal and time is what we all need to give to ourselves. I'm glad that you appreciated what I was trying to say. When I was writing it I wasn't sure it was going to make any sense. I just knew I needed to put it somehow into words.

We are all very strong and I know we will all continue to find the strength that we need to continue on this path we find ourselves on.

This has been a very hard time, but there has also been humor thrown into this mixture. I can already look back on some things and I'm starting to giggle over some of the things that have happened. I've always been my best comedian....lol

Thanks for your kind words, support and encouragement. It has meant a lot to me.

I'm sorry for all your pain & I feel that your posts described my own sorrow & emptiness. I don't know if I find it comforting or more depressing knowing there are others drowning in the same boat. I only know that it is so unfair & so sad.

Hi ((((Mori))))

It is sad to see so many other ladies like ourselves in this kind of pain. I guess the only thing we can do is to reach out and to comfort each other and let each other know that it will be ok. I'm also sorry of your pain and sorrow as well. We will make it past this sadness in our lives. It will just take time and we need to give ourselves that time to heal.

[b]Im in a very bad Depression myself & I understand that part of it is knowing that I will never hold a child of my own.The thing is I know I was too old to have my own child anyway But This Is So FINAL! About 2 or so years ago I tried to commit suicide,I Know it was Stupid & Wrong & I Never want to hurt my significant other or my friends like that again! It`s just that I have so many health problems & In Pain all the time & I keep being turned down for Disability.Im starting to have thoese thoughts again.I have Fibromyalgia,sleep apnea,hernia,nerve damage in my neck,restless leg syndrom,a herniated disc in my back just to name a few. Im Sorry if Im Whinning,Im just so tired & overwhelmed between the Total hysterectomy & my many health problems along with Finachal Problems I`ve reached the end of my rope,I keep trying to tie knots in the rope but their all coming Undone. THANKS FOR LISTENING.Lavender Blue

Dear Colorado 1962, I am so SORRY about my previous letter.I wanted to say something to help you & all I Did was complain about myself & my troubles. I Am Very Sorry about your horriable dreams & having to deal with it as a reality.I am going to pray that it will get easier as time goes by. I understand your Feeling,I Feel & felt the same. If you need someone to talk to or need another friend~contact me by email or PM. Again I APOLOGIZE FOR MY SELFISHNESS & SELF PITY RANT! Im not Thinking too clearly . Good Luck & Best Wishes in the Future. Love,Peace & Happiness to you & everyone here! lavender BLUE