Daughter is worried

I was wondering if anyone could help me. My daughter is 12 yrs old and is having issues with my upcoming surgrey and what might become of it. A little bit of background history here: about 3 weeks ago I went in for a scope to see about an abnormal pap. My cervix is toooo small to do a biospy. I was scared to death to even think that I might have cancer and they couldn't get in there to find out. I asked for a hysterectomy right then. Ever since then my middle daughter has been acting up and doing things that is not like her. Can anyone help me get my little girl back the way she was?

Hi saintsprincess,

I'm sorry to hear about your health problems and that your daughter's finding it hard to deal with. How much have you told your daughter? When I was having lots of tests and hospital appointments for suspected endometrial cancer my son was age 9 and I actually decided to tell him very little, partly due to the fact that we didn't fully know at that time whether i'd got cancer or not, so I didn't want to upset him unnecessarily and partly because I felt he was too young to understand the implications of cancer.

We just explained to him that mum had some stomach problems which meant I had to go into hospital to make me better again. We tried not to talk too much in front of him about it, although we also tried not to make it a secret, and just tried our best to carry on as normal in order to make him feel it wasn't too big an issue. (Maybe some people would feel this approach was wrong, but it worked well for us and it definitely minimised his concerns about his mum).

Even whilst I was in hospital for a week I "made" my husband carry on with everyday things, because I wanted life to go on as normal as they possibly could for my son. Also, before I went into hospital I wrote lots of little notes for my son to find each day that I was away, (I hid them in his bed, in his sports bag, school bag, coat pocket etc, where I knew he would find them each day). He loved this, and to this day (he's now nearly 12), he's saved them.

Obviously, you know your daughter best and how much you think she can cope with. I know it's not easy but my belief is that we should try to minimise their worry and therefore only tell them what they need to know. Depending on how much you've already told your daughter, you probably need to sit down with her and talk things through to help her understand what's happening to you (of course, remembering that young children can only cope with a certain amount). She'll want reassuring that everything's going to be OK.

I hope things turn out well for you, keep us posted.

Geraldine

Having been on the other end of this deal (my mother had cancer, no one told me till the end), I can say, unequivocally, that this was a disastrous choice. Forty years later, I am still dealing with the destruction of my ability to trust. I had a very close relationship with my mother and thought we told each other everything -- consequently I learned that even your closest loved ones may be keeping huge secrets from you.

Of course there's such a thing as sharing too much info with a child, and we want the whole ordeal to cause as little trauma as possible for our kids. But if you completely shield them from what's going on, how will they learn to be compassionate?

Saints, your family and family members are unique. But I wonder if your daughter would feel better if you included her more in understanding what's going on -- giving her a chance to rise to the occasion.

Meanwhile, how about a little extra individual attention for her? If you aren't up to it, then maybe your husband or other family member could take her out for a special day. What does she love to do? A day at the beach or the museum or whatever -- maybe she could open up and talk about what's eating at her.

Good luck with this terrible dilemna -- I'll pray for you and your daughter.

i think it is normal for a 12 yr old to act out, and it may not have anything to do with your illness. i agree, you need to give her some tlc. i grew up in beech grove, so i know there is no beach close to greenfield. lol. maybe you could go into indpls and visit a museum, the zoo, or THE fashion mall, and have a girly lunch.

This may seem silly to many, but it has always worked for me and my daughter. DD was 13 when I had my hyst and subsequent cancer diagnosis. She, too, acted out, and there was no talking to her. (What we had told her up to that point was a simplified version of the truth...that I was having surgery, that it became cancer surgery, that in all likelihood I would be fine, but if not, we would get through it as a family). Anyway, I bought a journal, and wrote to her in it, explained the situation, my feelings about it, my feelings about her, my fears for her, etc.

A couple of days later--when she'd had private time to process everything, the journal landed back in my room with her take on the whole deal. From there it went back and forth, and has branched out into other topics that she is unwilling to talk about, but that need to be addressed.

Worked wonderfully well for us, and it might work for you. Just a suggestion.

At any rate, good luck. And like someone else already said, 12 is an acting-out age as it is. There's a chance this is completely unrelated to you.

Valarie

Something to consider... Let your daughter's teachers know what's going on. She might open up to one of them. Also, consider having the school counselor meet with her.

If they are in the loop, they might be able to either cut her some slack or figure out ways to help or find projects to keep her mind off things. Maybe extra credit type things...

On the other hand, you might not want so many people to know.

Also, reading might help her take her mind off. Escape into another world of sorts. Maybe take her to the library to stock up on fiction. That helped me when my mom had surgery and I was her age.

Wishing you and your family the best.
Regards,
Kat3

My DD was younger, and my surgery was for suspected ovarian cancer. One thing I tried to keep in mind was that I wasn't sure that I had cancer, actually (and I didn't, just what my oncologist called "pre-cancer," whatever that means). It sounds, from your post, like you might NOT have cancer -- not all abnormal smears automatically mean cancer. I've had several, including one that was "cervical neoplasm" which is the next step down, and was able to deal with that in a much less invasive way.

Have you consulted with a GYN-oncologist? They are the true experts, and may be able to find a way to do the needed biopsy and treatment in a way that doesn't even involve a hysterectomy. Keep in mind that there are many reasons for an abnormal Pap, not all of which are cancer, and not all of which need hysterectomy as the treatment.

Our kids most definitely pick up on our anxiety -- I know mine sure did. We kept things pretty matter-of-fact around the house, as others here have mentioned. I picked up a booklet that was written for kids about "Mommy has cancer" just in case. My DD did go on to read it, but in our case it wasn't needed, thank goodness! And we never equated cancer with "death" in our household, either; she knew that her grandfather had survived three types (prostate, colon and skin) and was still alive and well. That eased a lot of fears!

They're all so hormonal themselves at 12 (mine is almost 11, and we're going through it too). If you are able to calm your fears and get more information and opinions about your situation, perhaps it will enable your DD to relax and settle down some. Even a heart-to-heart, emphasizing that you're still dealing with something unknown that may not be nearly as difficult as you'd originally thought, might help.

I love ((Valarie's)) idea of the journal; there's an author (Ann Martin, I think) who wrote a book like that with her daughter. Mine is not a reader or writer, but for me it would have worked well. Sometimes expressing something face-to-face is just too intense -- for you both -- and the journal, or e-mails, offer a way to communicate at a speed and intensity that works for you both.

Big s to you AND your DD. I hope that the GYN-oncologist is able to find a less-invasive way to diagnose and treat this abnormal smear!

Audrey

Kat3--
I let my daughter's guidance counselor know, who told her teachers. They were so "over-sensitive" to her situation that they gave her a free pass for everything, from low grades on tests, to not handing in homework. This backfired for us, and I would mention that if you choose to let the teachers know, also let them know that manipulation of the situation is not an option!
Val

Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I never knew that having such a BIG thing go on in your life could bring you sooo close to people that you do not even really know. I did talk with her last night and she says it is has nothing to do with that. I think a lot of you are right and maybe it is just the hormonal thing. She is a pretty upfront girl when she wants to be. To answer one of your questions. I didn't go and see anyone else. There are a lot of other factures in with it not just the abnormal pap. My cervix is tooo small and I am not empty when I have my period so I always have cramps even the medicine I am on doesn't help. So I am looking forward to being pain and worry free.

my sons were 16 and 12 when i was diagnosed...they are very good boys but the thought of their mother being ill and watching what i went through took it's toll...their grades suffered at school and the stress level in the house was tough to handle for all of us...i think they were so scared back then that they didn't know what to do...
now, almost 5 years later and my youngest who is now 17, finally told me exactly how he felt during that time...he said "mom, if you had gotten worse and died, i'm not sure what i would have done. i was so afraid what would happen to all of us if you were gone. ryan, (who is now 20), kept telling us that you'd be fine, but we knew that the outcome could leave us without a mother. how terrible could that be?!"

watching a parent deal with cancer is very hard on a child...just be upfront and honest and let them know what's happening...i would have never lied to them and told them that i was ok if i wasn't...they know now how blessed and lucky we are that my cancer has not recurred...

hope things get better for you and your daughter