it's hitting me now...I'm a mess...

and I don't know if I can do this for another month+. I don't know what happened but for the past 2 days I keep going into these sobbing spells and can't pull myself together.

I went to work and it's so dirty there...this never bothered me before, I mean it's a garage for crying out loud! August marks 7 years that I've been there...none of this effected me all this time....But now....now I see bacteria, I see germs, and I swear the fridge is covered in mold...it's everywhere and i keep thinking of my immune system and how it's going to be broken down more and more as time goes on. ANd the "stuff" in the air down there and how I'm breathing that all in...my mind won't stop now. I'm getting to where I'm almost afraid of sitting in my office for too long because of the stuff that lingers in there! I mean the air vent in my office...there's black stuff all over the wall that it blows on! It's everywhere---sanded down body putty, paint fumes, paint thinner, glues, metal shards, grease, grime, more body putty dust....and I have NO idea what that black stuff on the wall is! Dirt? Dust? I know that stuff isn't mold...but it's still black and that can't be good for an immune system! I have visions of chest colds turning into infections turning into a hospital stay....

That's just the dirt. Then there's the bathroom situation. I take my bottle of water with me. I drink. I can't pee there. I can't pee anywhere but at my house. I have my box to put my feet up on in case it feels like I'm not emptying enough. I have my positions down pat to get it all out here....but there. My bladder freaks out on me while I'm there. I do ok the first hour or so, then I have to pee and just the smallest amount comes out, like just enough to ease my bladder from going into a spasm. Then 15-20 minutes later my bladder starts freaking again and I have to go back into the bathroom. Now mind you, this is 1 bathroom, for me and 6+ men. So there's a whole new case a "germs" that I won't get in to, but there's also those guys waiting on me to run in and out of the bathroom. It's awful!! But what's worse is my bladder and how uncomfy I feel the entire time I'm there!! I actually sat there today thinking I'm gonna have to bring my self-cath with me just so I can get some relief!! I had to run home before rads today just to pee!! I'm not gonna talk about the BMs either...I mean what more can I say??

I just I can't sit there and focus on work because I keep looking around at how dirty everything is and what's gonna get me sick and what am I breathing into my lungs??? (yes, this is coming from a smoker of 14 years--ex smoker now) Maybe that's what it was, maybe the smoking dulled all the things I swear I can feel in my chest now. I come into my house and there is some dampness issues (basement walls leak water when it rains...as it has been for about a week now) and I can taste the mustiness, the dampness....I got the A/C installed this past week and shut it off cause I feel like it's just pushing the dampness throughout the rest of the house!! But I can aleviate that by opening some windows, air the place out...

I'm getting to the point of thinking if I can ask my boss if I can work from home until this is over with. (like really work, not just what I did while I was off from surgery) It's not the work that bothers me, it's the envirnment...the germs, the air there...But i'm afraid to ask any more of him, he's been so awsome through all of this. Everyone has their breaking point and I'm afraid of him saying yes but then getting upset with me for even asking.

But I feel like I spend most of my time there away from the computer...standing outside to get out of my bacteria filled office....or in the bathroom cause I have to pee and can't!!

My mom is worried that I'm just afraid of being back to work again. I don't know what it is but after a couple hours there my anxiety goes up and i start itching to get out of there. That used to be one of my "safe places". Now I feel like it's a big mold spore waiting to attack my fragile little system.

What the hell is wrong with me???

Vega,
Take a deep breath. Blow it out your mouth. Do it again. And again. Nothing has happened yet. Your immune system hasn't been compromised and probably won't be. You have blood drawn, you'll know if your white counts go very low, chances are good that they won't. Cisplatin doesn't usually do that AND there are fewer virus circulating in the summer because school is out. Since you don't deal with little kids at work, you probably won't encounter any unusual viruses.

The stuff coming out of the vent, making the wall dark, is probably from the furnace, particularly if the bluiding has an old furnace and/or an oil furnace. As far as I know, it's like the black stuff on the bricks of a fireplace, nothing to worry about, it just happens after years of burning.

Air conditioners remove moisture from the air. If you are concerned about mold, leave the AC on. It will help.

I personally HATE dirty bathrooms, but there usually isn't anything that you can catch. There are no viruses, not colds and stuff, on a toilet or skink. And bacteria dies as soon as it dries out. Have you always been unable to use any bathroom away from home? Or is this a new issue?

If you can work from home, why not try it? As long as you're getting your work done, perhaps your boss won't mind. There's no harm in asking! As my grandmother used to say 'the worst he can say is no'.

Hope you feel better soon,
Janie

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) sorry you are going thru this right now. Maybe you do need some time away. You have alot on your plate now. You will be in my prayers......

carrie

Awwww Vega, I just wanted to give you a big hug. What you're going through is you're fighting the beast! Can you get something to take the edge off the anxiety?

Vega, it's starting to hit now. Just calm down honey. You'll be okay.

First, the work from home idea. Your boss has been awesome. Try to hang in a little while. Chances are, your doctor may suggest it anyway. And your boss already knows you are self-disciplined enough to work from home, so when you have to, you have to. I also had people who were great at work, and since my work was computer-driven, I was given permission to work from home. I tried for several weeks to go to work six hours a day, and at a certain point with the external rads, just getting dressed, getting there, going to radiation and getting home got to be too much. So, you may need to consider working from home.

Second, your mom is trying to encourage you, but people don't know how hard it is for some of us, depending on how much radiation, etc. we are getting, to go to work. Listen your body.

Next, I know how you feel about germs. I had chemo during high allergy season and one of my cube-mates was coughing, sneezing etc. I told the guys at work, if you're sick stay home. You'll be fine, I'll end up in the hospital. Even one of our guys, who never takes time off, worked from home with a cold for a couple days cuz he was afraid of giving me anything. People do understand.

The crying jags? Not unusual. One time, when I thought I had everything handled, I was so depressed about chemo-related illness, I ended up crying for almost two days straight. You're allowed a once-in-awhile pity party. You are going through a lot.

Come here and vent anytime. We've been there and at least can help alleviate some of your fears.

Dear Vega,

Oh, poor baby, I hate to hear how much you are suffering. It's all so much to deal with at the same time, and I can really understand why you feel so overwhelmed.

It does sound as though the environmental health of your workplace might be a bit much for you right now. I hope you can talk to your boss about working from home, and it sounds as if he will understand (based on what you've told us about him before). The health conditions don't sound too great, and then there's the bathroom problem -- for now, you still need your own toilet.

About your dampness at home -- listen to me, I live in Miami, and I'm an expert (cuz I live in the land of heat and HUMIDITY). Air conditioning definitely dries out the house, so I would try running it. Also, there are companies that will come and dry out your house. This can be costly, so get someone to help you shop around. We had a flood in our back room once and the industrial dehumidifier took over 5 gallons of water out of the AIR in two days.

You've been through so much, and you're still going through it. Please cut yourself some slack and try not to compare yourself to anyone else.

We all care and want to hear that you are feeling better.

Told ya I would be thinking of you today and you were the first person on my mind (outside of my family of course hounding me for oatmeal and such)

We can't go on NOT living. I feel it too sometimes and I dont work outside of my home. But we gotta live and do things that make us feel worth, value, and happiness.

If the bathroom bothers you, tea tree oil is a natural disinfectant that wont hurt your skin. I use it around during bouts of illness on the toilets, doorknobs, etc....
Maybe you could clean things up. Also becuase your olfactory system takes it in, it can protect you from germs for up to 3 hours from just one inhalation.

Even walmart carries it in the pharmacy area...Health food stores too.

I gotta tell you that last night I never had another bowel issue again after eating bread. So we gotta see what works and not works for us. Maybe at work you will be limited to eating bread and bland foods. Rice helps form stools.

I know I have no comforting words, jsut throwing ideas out that I hope may help spur on some positives for you.

Big hugs darlin.

Hi Vega,
I am sorry that you are feeling like this. Maybe you really were not ready to go back to work.
In my case I could not wait to go back to work. After my hysterectomy my doctor and I compromised on 5 weeks off. He wanted 6, I wanted 4.
I also worked through all my chemo treatments ( I never had radiation). Sometimes it was hard and I was tired but I pushed myself because staying home was not a good thing either.
Other than a hospital I work in the second germies place on earth. "A School". I teach Kindergarden in a private school which also has nursery school and pre-Kers. Talk about runny noses, sneezing, coughing, just to name a few. I really think my immune system attacked these germs head on because I never had a cold or lost a day of work due to illness. I did however do alot of handwahing and Lysol spraying.
Things will get better.
Rosalie

Why not try to work from home? Why not??? Of course you should ask if it would make you more comfortable and you could still get the same amount of work done.

I stayed at an American Cancer Hope Lodge and worked from there while going through treatment because the clinic was many hours away from my home. I found much comfort in knowing I could go to the bathroom in my room when I wanted and how often I wanted. I normally work partly from home and I'm positive I get more done at home than at the college.

Of course you should ask. Take care of yourself!

I understand how you're feeling about the possible toxins, a little bit. My workplace is fairly clean but would you believe I still get stressed out about the horrible overpowering deodorizer the cleaners put in our ladies' at work. There's only one washroom here that doesn't leave you smelling like rancid bubblegum afterwards, so I only use that one!

I agree though, that if working from home is an option, you might want to try that. Especially with the bathroom situation. You don't need the extra stress right now! I wanted to get back to work ASAP because I found being alone at home did bad things to my head. But you are going through more than I did. Why not ask your boss if you can try it for just a week and see if you feel better? Then after a week you can reassess.

You've been so very strong up till this point, I am not surprised you are starting to feel overwhelmed. Make whatever adaptations are necessary to get you through this - I know your boss will understand it's only temporary!

Feel better xoxo