Seeking advice

I am 37 years old. I had to use the calculator to figure that out. I had my total hysterectomy 5 or 6 years ago and I didn't really have the horror stories that I have read about. But for about the past year, I have had NO desire at all. Sex is uncomfortable for me and I think mainly it's all mental just because I don't want to and I resent my husband for making me.

We married young and we are each other's first and only. We've been married almost 20 years. I'm proud of this. Very proud in this day and age and I was raised that I would only be with 1 man - my husband. I feel very strongly about the commitment we made to each other.

I want to make my marriage work and it's looking like it's not going to unless I am able to step up to the sexual plate. Even with the fear of losing my husband, I just can't bear to think about becoming more sexual at this point. Of course, he says he won't leave me, but I'm a people pleaser and he's of the belief that they only way I can show my love is through sex.

Please help!

What is uncomfortable. I had a total Vag Hyst 6 years ago and no big Os since then. However, I enjoy the physical closeness, body contact, etc. My hubby still has his fun so this is the new pattern. It's okay not like it was when we were young but it's still close.

Hi!

You're not alone in how you are feeling. Many of us find that we lose our libido post-op, and that seems especially true of those who also had our ovaries removed. Replacing the hormones we have lost can help regain those sexual feelings but if the hormones aren't in the right balance, we can still suffer.

I have gone through several bouts of hormone imbalance and each time have lost my libido. Getting my hormones into balance brought it back each time. It's a process that for me has involved trial and error, time and patience, plus paying careful attention to the clues my body was giving. For me it takes a combination of hormones to help me feel my best. The use of estrogen and progesterone took care of my typical menopause symptoms but I needed compounded testosterone cream to get my libido/response back.

Are you using hormones or if not, are they an option you would consider? It would be helpful to us if you could complete your Member Survey so we can better help you.

It's true that our mental attitude can affect us, but there is a physical aspect as well. I know for me that the longer my response and libido were gone the more hopeless it seemed. Sometimes I felt that I would never feel normal again and I got pretty good at avoiding sex altogether. Of course that wasn't really fair to my husband and I knew it. It was a complicated mess to be sure. Realizing the cause for my lack of libido was most likely due to hormone imbalance I went to my doctor for help. My husband was supportive and helpful. Obviously he didn't want me to avoid sex forever, but he cared more than just what it would mean to him--he cared that I was actively seeking help so that I could feel normal again.

If you are experiencing pain during sex, that can be helped by the use of personal lubricants. If those don't help, it could be that your vaginal tissues are dry or atrophied, meaning they aren't as moist and elastic as they should be. If that's the case, vaginal estrogens can be very helpful. There's a good article about vaginal dryness and treatment options in this link. If there are other causes for the pain, your doctor can evaluate and advise possible treatment options.

If you haven't already discussed your concerns with your doctor, I hope you will make an appointment to do so. There are a lot of articles in the Sexual Dysfunction - Post Hysterectomy section of our Resources area which can help you prepare to discuss possible options with your doctor.

If your doctor isn't particularly helpful, find yourself a doctor who is knowledgeable about the hormone needs of women. Some women have successfully found a good doctor by calling a compounding pharmacy to ask for a list of doctors who use the services of the pharmacy. There is a locator link you can use to find a compounding pharmacy near you on this site: www.iacprx.org.

We don't choose to have this happen to us and when it does it leaves us feeling frustrated, confused, unhappy and a lot of other emotions. We need understanding and help to find our way back to where we once were. I do hope your husband will stick by you and help you. That, along with a good doctor and proper hormones, can go a very long way to get you feeling the way you want to feel.

I hope some of this helps and that you don't feel so alone. I'm sending s!