I want my babies!

I couldn't possible understand what you feel. However I do know that being a mother is not just about giving birth. I know a few "moms" who have given birth and from just reading your post you be a much more loving and caring mom then they are now. Many woman are given the "gift" of being able to get pregnant and giving birth but not all are given the "gift" of being a MOM. Your babies are waiting for you. God has given them the greatest gift. A "second" chance of having a mom. You are soooo young don't give up on yourself.

Antsangel

I know it is my time to finally face the music. I have battled with this for years, and now, at age 27 here I am and facing this great challenge. Well for me, it is a challenge, partly because my Mother-In-Law will be coming to stay. Gratful I am, but what I would like is my OWN Mum there for me. I am scared about what I will feel like when I wake up from the surgery. I am having a radical hysterectomy, and am just not looking forward to it at all.

Hi,
I too had a similar experience to you, in that I cannot have birth children, and I had a hysterectomy three years ago when I was 30.

I got a LOT of support from talking to other women in a similar position to me, and I can recommend two websites.

Childlessnotbychoice, is a group for people who cannot have biological children, men and women. The better group in my opinion, is lifecanbefull.com

As for how to go on....there is no easy answer. I had two years of counselling, read a really good book called "Never to be a mother" by Linda Anton Hunt and just let myself hurt if I wanted.

It took me a long time to accept my grief, and I had a heavy heart for a long time. I think it will always come back, and sometimes overwhelm me, but I beleive that I have now "come to terms" with it. I will never, nor do I want to, "get over it".

I feel, like many types of bereavement, losing the capacity to ever have a birth child is something you never truly get over, if you desperately wanted children in the first place, like I did.

But I remember Henry. My son. The one who lived in my heart and would have been if life had been fair. I have a tree planted for him, and every year on May 12, the day I had my hysterectomy, I go to a private place and allow myself a day to think about Henry and the life I should have had.

But I'm not wallowing. I had a hysterectomy and it saved my life. For that I will ALWAYS be grateful. I do wish it hadn't cost Henry his though. I feel I paid a high price for it, but I'm glad I did.

I will spend the rest of my life grieving for Henry, for the little boy who would now be nearly four. I have however tried to lead a full and happy life. To pay respect to my surgeon, the woman who saved my life with her skill. I owe her big time. So, I'm determined not to let it go to waste, and now I'm happy.

I wish you happiness, and peace. You will get through it, and I feel one day you will be happy. It's not an easy journey, but it will be ok.

Good luck with the surgery.
Cat

I cannot even begin to explain what all of these posts have meant to me. I'm sorry for taking so long in posting again. I have been struggling soooo badly with this loss since I had my surgery. I thought it would get easier after surgery, but it has only gotten worse. Much much worse.
This is actually my first post since I've had my hyst on this website. I was so upset that I didn't even feel I could begin to describe it or be consoled.
I go to counseling. I talk to my boyfriend. I kinda talk to my friends/family about it. I cry a lot. I cry a lot when I'm alone. Even now, I am filled with so much emotion that I can feel myself going totally numb just so I can type this response. The last post touched me particularly, because I too had a name. Her name was Laura. Before I ever knew I would have this surgery my boyfriend and I would talk about what she would be like. Her looks, her personality, her wonderfully perfect combination of him and me in all of the things that she would do. This may sound crazy, but she is soooo real to me. It took me a month or so after surgery to realize that I was grieving her death.
I know that when I adopt and hold my baby in my arms for the first time that that child will be 100% heart and soul mine, but to me that is a totally seperate entity from the child I lost by having this surgery. I'm kinda tired of my friends telling me "well you can still adopt". I know that. I know that I will love my children with all of my entire being. But that doesn't change the fact that my baby that I had been planning and imagining for years now will never be born. She died with that surgery, and so did a part of me.
To make matters worse I'm "sick" again. Pain and symptoms all over again... just 11 weeks post-op. My doc took me off of my hormone replacement treatment to see if that would have any effect. In the mean time I'm waiting till the end of the month to see how it goes. Did I do it all for nothing just to be sick again 3 months later? I don't know. Probably not, but I'm still learning to come to grips with it.
I am trying to embrace my feelings fully, no matter how painful they are, because they're mine and I own them and I am the one who has to survive the emotional fallout of this surgery. If I wanna be sad then I'm going to be sad. If I want to ball my eyes out then I do it. If I feel happy, then I let myself feel happy. Only by embracing what I'm going through will I be able to heal enough to not cry every time I think of Laura.
My counselor and I are coming up with some really great plans to help me deal with my loss. Since I never really got to have a moment of closure after surgery, I am going to find ways to give myself that much needed experience. I am writing a letter to my baby that will never be born. I will tell her all of the things that I ever wanted to tell her. I am going to apoligize to her for not being able to beat this da** disease that destroyed my ability to have her. I am going to assure her that I still love her and I that our souls will still forever be connected. Along with the letter I am going to print off the lyrics to two songs that are particularly touching to me at the moment. I will put the letter and songs in a container and bury it, giving myself the funeral that I feel I need to get some closure so I can start to look forward without so much guilt. I love the idea of planting a tree, so instead of a headstone I will plant a tree on top of the container. Also, sometime within the next year (after I am totally healed and in better shape) I want to get a tattoo on my lower belly, ever where the uterus used to be. I am still quite jealous of women who can create such beautiful life inside of their bellies, and I want to have something beautiful too. I'm pretty sure that I've decided I want to have a tattoo of a pheonix, to symbolize the loss of my baby and ability to bear life combined with my newfound health (that is still way better than before the surgery), because without this health I wouldn't even be able to adopt in the future to be a mommy.
There is so much more that I wish to write here now, but I'm not ready. I will be posting soon though and regularly, because I really do need the support of this site to help me keep going. Here are the lyrics to the two songs I want to enclose with my letter... maybe they will touch someone else's heart too. I always cry when I hear either one of them, but it is a good and necessary cry that always makes me feel better because it helps me to feel connected to Laura.

Makai

What Hurts the Most
" I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do"

Far Away
" This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Hold on to me and, never let me go"

Hello Everyone,
The past 6 years have been hell for me & my 2 sisters. First we lost my brother(43) to Esophageal Cancer, Then 3 years ago I lost my precious mother (69) to colon cancer, we were all best friends!& we miss her so much it seems to hurt physically! My surgery was on 12/18/06 & then 2 weeks before my hysterectomy, we lost dad (age 78).I was soooo freaked out about my surgery that I just blocked it all out & then it all came rushing back right after surgery.Like all of you, I miss mom unbelievably but somehow it feels a little better knowing I am not alone. I was feeling a little silly being 41 years old & just wanting my mommy! She always knew just what to say in every situation to make things all better.
My husband & I have been married for 13 years & tried to get pregnant for mist of those years but couldnt, & now having to have a total hysterectomy leaves me with my heart in a thousand peices.It feels like my past is dying off & my future has now died! Needless to say, on thursday I am going to see a greif councelor, this is just to much for me to take.
It is wonderfull to know that this web site gives us a place to find support.
Take care & you are all in my prayers.
Kim

Dear Sisters,
I was reading back on this thread because tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of my hysterectomy. I can honestly say that I am making progress in not feeling completely devasted by the surgery all of the time, but there are still times when it's all I can do not to completely break down. The tears don't flow as readily as they used to, but when they do come they are with a deeper sense of loss than I understood before.
Physically I am leaps and bounds healthier than I was before the surgery. I had a scare last week when kidney infection felt like the endo and scar tissue rearing it's ugly head again, but I cannot even begin to describe how relieved I was to find out that I only had a kidney infection. I was terrified that I had had the surgery in vain just to have to start the whole cycle of hurting and being sick and needing surgery all over again. I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get so upset the next time I start feeling pain in my lower belly.
In the past few months I have gotten a lot of satisfaction to being called "Aunt Joy" to my friend's newly adopted baby girl. I see her with her daughter and it fills me with hope and excitement for the future. Still, my heart aches for the baby I won't ever get to hold. I haven't written my letter to her yet, because the thought of doing it still makes me cry, let alone actually taking pen to paper. I still want to get my phoenix tattoo on the one year anniversary of my surgery, so I guess that's only 6 months away now.
I feel so much physically better now that I do know and believe that I made the right decision for myself in having the hyster. Someday my heart will get closer to fealing as healed as my body. I'm sitting here holding a worry stone that my dearest friend gave me when I was in the castle. It's clear (not an actual stone) and it has white angel wings in it. I've carried this stone with me every day since the surgery, and usually when I look at it I am reminded of the close bond and love that my friend and I share, for she has also lost someone dear to heart, but tonight as soon as I saw it and touched it my eyes overflowed with tears. Is it crazy of me that I feel like my belly hurts when I am overcome with feelings of loss of the baby I will never have? As aware as I always used to be of my belly hurting, I am now more aware of the fact that it doesn't hurt, and in a way that grieves me.
I still have my moments when I forget that I had the surgery at all, and then I remember. Does anyone else ever feel like that, like they forgot that it ever happened or that they feel like it didn't really happen to them? I didn't want to be upset on the 6 month anniversary of my huster, but if I wake up tomorrow and feel like being sad then I'm going to let myself just feel what ever it is that I need to feel. That's the only way I've found to let the true healing occur... just to let myself feel each day as it comes. I am so blessed and grateful to have made the recovery that I have made since the surgery and to have incredibly loving and supportive friends and family, and especially my dbf who is amazingly loving and supportive of me. Somestimes I can't get over the fact that he has an easier time accepting me now than I do when it comes to this, because it tears me up that I can never carry his child, but that's the power of love for you.
For any women out there who are struggling with the grief and despair of never being able to have a baby, and especially those of you who are awaiting your trip to thee castle, all I can say is that day by day it becomes more bearable. I don't know that the pain ever lessens, but my ability to deal with the loss has grown a lot in the past six months, and I hope that it will continue to do so. Lean on your friends and family and significant others, becuase their acceptance of me has taught me how to accept myself. Also, if this is something that you feel inclined to do, then give your pain and loss to God, for He knows the sorrow in our hearts. I am comforted in knowing that there is a plan for me and that someday there is going to be a child out there that is supposed to be mine to love and care for and be a mommy to.
So for now I am where I am in dealing with this loss. Most days are good, some days are horrible, but everyday that I have my health is truly a gift to me. Thank you for all of your caring, concern, and prayers, and I hope that my story can touch someone else out there as all of your stories have touched me and given me strength. Thank you sisters, and I hope to hear more from you all.

Joy

W7524
I lost my brother in May 2006. It must be unbearable dealing with the loss of your loved ones, especially when they were such a part of your life. I'm glad you and your sister have each other. I pray that you find the comfort you need during these most difficult of times.

Hi Joy,

I've been re-reading the posts in your thread. I am so glad that you are feeling better. I know what you mean about grieving. I'm 34, and apparently, 34 is prime baby-making age. I can't go anywhere without people asking me that dreaded line of questioning that begins with, "Got kids?"

I have my good days and my bad days. I still have those lonely, dark nights when I allow myself to remember that I can never know what it feels like to have a child. I find myself feeling envious and even angry when I find out that one of my relatives is pregnant ... again! I know that it's wrong, but it's the way that I feel.

I just try to put all of my energy into my husband, my four dogs, and my work...

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you...

Love,

Z.

You know...another side to you don't have to give birth to be a mother...

Think of the women - most in the news - who give birth, but are FAR from being Mothers. They might be addicts, mentally ill, abused adults who carry on the tradition...

They cannot be moms ever, even though they gave birth.

This means their little ones need love, and are who you might fall in love with one day, when the time is right.

Makai, I am glad to read of your healing.

HUGS to you as you continue on your journey. I look forward to your sharing of it with us.