Reading and knowing

I've spent the past 30 minutes reading so many posts...and realizing that I am not alone in my feelings. I'm dealing with the fact that I will never give my dh of 10 years a child by "natural means." As young girls and young women, we're told time and time again that to have children with your husband or you life partner is the natural process of life, and when it can't happen, you feel horrible. He has been incredibly supportive through everything.

I'm 39 and scheduled for a TAV BSO on 12/28, and as excited as I am about having my life back, I cry for the life that could have been but never was. I am mourning the fact that I will never be pregnant, that I will never get to feel a life inside of me growing and becoming a little person. I mourn that my dh will never get to cut the cord, or hear that cry of a newborn. I will never get to share with my friends the excited of pregnancy after I have shared it with so many. In fact I have a friend who is pregnant with twins and she has no idea about my upcoming surgery. I don't know how to tell her.

It's hard to think about a surgery, but add in this emotional attachment, and boy howdy you got the mix for outright insanity. My mom has been so supportive and my mom in law has been wonderful, I'm so blessed to have them both. One of my sis in laws is awesome, she has been there for me thru every bit of this. The other sis in law, let's just say she has two perfect kids and with each one she was in alabor less than two hours, and she has NO clue about the reality of life.

I mourn because my dad may not ever get to have a grandchild - I am an only child and my dad has a terminal lung disease, IPF, diagnosed two years ago.

I will keep reading, and I would love to know how you have dealt with the pain, the loss and finally cresting the mountain to see the other side.

I'm hoping that all this will lead me to a new lease on life, to new excitement in my life and a renewed trust that things really do happen for a reason. I have rather big tumors, tons of endometriosis, problems in the past with ovarian cysts, and all the other things associated - back pain, heavy bleeding and pain pain pain.

Thank you my systers - you keep me going!

Awhh ((QueenBee)),
I know from my own experience & have said many of the same words you have written in your post as I have been through the endo, cysts, etc. resulting in my hyst which left me also unable to have my own children. I can also understand the feelings you are expressing in regards to being an only child, etc as I am an only child too. Just wanted to send you loads of encouragement and support, you are taking the first step to healing by reaching out to get the support you will need. It is understandable to have many different emotions, etc right now. Just hang in there and feel free to PM me if you need a friend. You'll find many other supportive sisters here when you need a pick me up. I promise, you'll get to the other side of the mountain in your own time. Hugs

Hugs coming your way!

There are so many ladies here who completely understand your feelings right now. This is such a complicated journey we are on. And, you are just beginning.

I personally do believe that things happen for a reason. We often don't understand at the time. And sometimes, we never truly understand. It helps me to focus on the blessings I do have rather than missed opportunities and losses. Of course, you need to "grieve" and to experience all of these emotions. That's part of the process, too. Just try not to become defined by them.

In time, you will find your own way to deal with things. I hope it helps to know that you are definitely NOT alone. We're all here for you!

Take care!
monami

Dear Queen Bee 24,
I got on this thread today to express my struggles with not being able to have a child. I had my surgery on September 8th, and prior to that I had only a couple of weeks to think about how my life would change forever. I am in love with a wonderful man, and we plan to marry in July. It was hard for me to say yes because I did not want him to face a life without his own biological child. We spent those two weeks prior to the surgery walking that journey together. We decided to write a letter to our never to be born child as a way to begin the healing process. It was a difficult thing to do but following the letter, we both have been able to express how we feel to each other, grieve openly and are not afraid to say when we are struggling. The surgery is traumatic enough, so what's important is that you remember that this is a process, and a long one...it is a death for certain. I have known loss and through it I have faith that love I feel from God will pull us through. I will be praying for you and your husband.

All of you have been so kind in your words, thougths and prayers - I will be praying for all our our sisters as we travel this road.

I spent some time on this beautiful Indian Summer Thanksgiving weekend to ask God for guidance through all this. I've been having some crying episodes, and shopping this weekend brought some other things to the front of my mind. All the families, all the small children getting their picture taken with Santa...I broke down in the middle of a store's bathroom and had to try and explain my way out of it with my dh. My parents were up for the T-day dinner, and as always they were so supportive. Even though Dad is having a rough go of things right now, he still has there to help out his little girl with getting the turkey on the table. He is coming up for the surgery. I've had a talk with both Mom & Dad, expressing my sorrow and apologizing for "things." And as always, they have been there to hold me, let me cry and to tell me that the most important thing is my health - as I looked into my father's eyes I knew instantly that I have to get better to help take care of him and to spend whatever time we have left together as a family. Talk about a reality check!

I'm going to a counselor, but sometimes I feel like I am not connecting with her because she has gone thru meno naturally and has kids. I'm thinking of changing conselors - I started seeing her when I had to deal directly with my dad's disease and other life happenings. After 8 months, I think I need a change.

So much to think about, and so much to get done prior to 12/28. We started putting up Christmas decorations and I think that I'm starting to focus on getting stuff ready. Many friends have asked what they can do, and I've given them many suggestions from this website.

I think that I am going to write a letter to my life that could have been, to the child I'll never know, and take a long walk on this beautiful day.

I need to be thankful for what I have, what I don't have and for the things yet to come.

Thank you, my sisters - I can't make it on this journey alone. I'm thankful I have you to walk with me!

Wow queenbee i just wanna say, i'm walking with you.

I do wonder will i ever get through this? I can really relate to your post, maybe i will write that 'letter' too. I hope you find a better counsilor that you can offload all your feelings too, and there are so many feelings aren't there? It is nearly three months now since i have known i will never have children, one minute i'm fine... and the next, wham! it hits me. Am i ever going to come to terms with this?

Like you say about the kids in the mall, will we ever look at something like that again and not feel that pang of sadness? I don't know. And what i knew about my life- that when i have my own family will be the happiest i will ever be, has been taken away. My future just isn't the same, and neither are my dreams. I don't have a partner and there are so many problems and questions that will arise if and when i do find one but i do hope that i can build new dreams... like adoption maybe? I don't know.

Hmm, darn it, i just don't know anything!

Lets hope this gets better queenbee, its nice to know i'm not alone. Sending a big

((Queenbee)),
I think you are on the right road, just can get a little bumpy at times and we make the wrong turns here and there, but I believe you will be able to find that road that works for you and then be able to put things back together. I also think that your fit with your therapist needs to be one that you feel totally supported/understood when you speak of things. Sometimes, one counselor may be great dealing with one type of issues, then you might want to speak with another if there are blocks to communication, not becuase there are a bad counselor, but because situations have changed and you are attempting to focus on new things that have occurred in your life. But, just my 2 cents (not medical opinion), it might be helpful for you to openly discuss some of these things you feel with her (the counselor you are seeing now)and mention you aren't feeing the connection that you think you will need to get through these other things which happened. She may be open to brainstorming other things you could do or even to transfer your case to another therapist. But, anyhow, just try to openly express yourself and then just go from there. I applaude your efforts and the strength you have in order to deal with what life's thrown at you in such a positive way. I have a feeling, you'll be on here replying back to other sisters going down that road before you know it. Sending lots of hugs!