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So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent) So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

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Unread 12-13-2006, 10:59 PM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

I am 15 days post op from a TVH/RSO w/A&P repair. I have posted that I am doing a LOT at home and most days feeling really good. Some pains and weird things like night sweats etc. But, tonight I almost decked DH(I would have really thought about it but he is out of town). Now that I am up and about, and 'ok'd" to drive, they act like I should be healed. I read these posts saying to take it easy and you only have one chance to heal, but frankly, I don't seem to have one chance to heal at all. For example,
Today I got up and drove DS to school at 7, went to my DS' Christmas program at school and then to pick up a wreath and get some lunch (drive thru). Got home and felt horrible with headache. So, I took the little guys and said it was nap time for all of us and we laid down for an hour. Had such a hard time dragging myself out of bed to pick up my DS from school as I felt terrible and body aches kicked in. After I got home, I laid back down until I had to take the two little ones to swimming. Went to swimming, Walgreens and got home and made sandwiches for the kids for dinner and put them to bed. Pretty busy day in my opinion for someone just 2 weeks out. Plus, I did the daily homeschool for my 6 year old. Anyway, DH calls from out of town and asks how I am. I told him that I really had a hard afternoon with all the pain and body aches and that it was probably the worst since surgery. His reaction was.."Wow, this really has been a lot harder than you thought it would be isn't it?" I answered that I just had major surgery and that I knew exactly how hard it would be but apparently he didn't. He said that he knew it was major but also knew that "I was tough". As the conversation went on, I mentioned that I think some of my issues might be hormonal and he jumps on that like, "Yeah, you really have been short with people lately". I answered that one with, "No dear. That is not hormonal. That is a tired woman who has had major surgery with no help afterward. That, my dear is called bitterness"> So then he is mad at ME.

I am so frustrated. Here I was thinking that I was really doing well (big picture) and he shoots me down with this, "You are tough" crap and how he is so disappointed that this is more than we thought. WTH? I'm so sorry to vent and vent about the lack of help, as I can't say I'm surprised. But, it's hard enough to pull myself out of bed in the morning and do you think he would ever offer to take DS to school? (he's my son, his step son). Apparently not; even last week when I wasn't even supposed to be driving. I'm totally depressed and am not even telling him how I am doing because I'm sick of his reaction. sigh. Virtual brownies to all who have read this far.
Thanks ladies.
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Unread 12-14-2006, 02:06 AM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

Hi Tricia,

I'm sorry no one seems to care that you've just been through major surgery. I'm sure it makes it even harder with young children. You need support and as much as you can.

Do you have any family or friends that could help out or the local church group? What about some car pooling for your son to get to school?

Sometimes men just don't get it! They are so used to us soldiering on and frankly many of us do no matter how bad we feel. What you need to do is print off the checkpoints and have them ready for him to read when he gets home.

When he gets home I'd order in takeaway, then take yourself off to bed, perhaps watch a DVD or just sleep and ask him to kindly read the checkpoints. Perhaps he just needs a gentle reminder!

Please you really need to take the time to rest as much as possible because if you don't you could prolong the healing period and cause problems for yourself down the track.

Don't forget we're always here with a sympathetic ear and happy for you to vent if the need arises.

Take care.............Karen
Unread 12-14-2006, 06:53 AM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent) are doing an awful lot...I was still home in bed my 2nd week...doc didn't want me to drive for 3-4 weeks after surgery. I was okay to drive after 3, but only when I really had to go out. I was resting a good deal of the time I was off. This is only my 2nd week back to work, and I still go home exhausted daily...and I have a paper pushing desk job! I think I'd be mad as wet cat if I were you too....glad you vented and let it out. Remember YOU need to care for yourself. You are very was MAJOR surgery and doing too much can have consequences...and when you are doing so much you might not even be aware what you are doing to yourself. So slow down and think of yourself. My thoughts are with you!!! Many hugs sent your way:
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Unread 12-14-2006, 07:10 AM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

Oh my goodness! You are doing too much! You are not doing yourself any favors. I was guilty of trying to prove I was where others thought I should be, and finally got smart and said I'm not screwing my healing up anymore.
It took me longer to get back.
Your Dr. would have a fit if he/she knew what you are doing.
Better have DH read some of these posts to "validate" what you are going through.
Unread 12-14-2006, 07:22 AM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

Originally Posted by tricializ
I am 15 days post op from a TVH/RSO w/A&P repair. ....... I'm totally depressed and am not even telling him how I am doing because I'm sick of his reaction. sigh. Virtual brownies to all who have read this far.
Thanks ladies.
Interestingly enough, I am 14 days past surgery and had came here today to vent about my own family. Though I am not yet driving (my doc was very clear on that, at least until my 3 week check up, and my hubby wouldn't go against anything a doctor came right out and said)
Hubby stayed home the first week, which was good, but since he went back to work, life has returned to near normal for him, and even though he vocalizes his recognition of my still not healed condition, he acts as though everything is back to normal.
He did arrange for someone to pick up our youngest child in the mornings and bring her home from school, after I gave him phone numbers and said "do it", so that's good. But, just this week so far, Monday I went to a dance recital, which I really wanted to go to, our oldest daughter has never done anything like this, and I really wanted to see it, it turned out to be in the Gym and we had to set in bleechers,, so I would have liked a little sympathy on that ... then Tues our younger daughter school had a winter performance, singing, dancing etc.. and I went to that, then last night the dance group she is in had a performance, and I really would have liked someone to recognize how worn out I was and would have said "you can miss this one..." or at least let me act tired and cranky when we got home.

Then, our older daughter had to work last night, which is fine, she gets off about 10:30, and well, hubby has to get up early, so when she asked if she could get a ride home from a friend, he jumped at the chance to not have to go get her... and okayed going out to eat after work... Hello.... 16 yr old daughter, not home until midnight on a school night.. of course I have to wait up for her, and then younger daughter has dance troop practice before school this morning, so I have to get up at 5:30 even though I don't drive her, still have to get up and get her up etc...
So long talk due with hubby tonight.. I am so worn out, I actually feel crappier then I did this time next week.
I do know I am so lucky considering the other kids (we have a 12, 16, and 18, plus an extra 16 who is living with us) get up and get to school on their own, we live close enough that they can walk to school.
But, it has gotten back to the old routine it seems, daughter with no socks to wear (she has certain colors to wear different days, for different things) notes that weren't signed, because she gave to dad ... last night she had specific rules about how to do her hair, she gave note to dad, like she was informed to do this week, and we were almost to the performance, I opened her folder, saw the note, and freaked.. I had do exactly what it said not to do....
anyways.. I am having a talk today.. I want to heal fast, but I want to heal right....
Good luck to you...
Unread 12-14-2006, 07:38 AM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

Tricia, you are doing waaay too much IMHO. I'm tough too but at 2 weeks I was good if I walked 4 blocks.

People expected a lot from me and well, they didn't get it. I got fed up and ranted if they had a lung, kidney, or maybe testicles out or some other major organ they would be whimpering in a corner somewhere expecting me to wait on them. I informed them that just because I was vertical and moving around didn't change the fact I had hundreds of stitches inside and just because they couldn't see them didn't mean they weren't there. Also, recover is 6-8 weeks for a reason, not because they are kidding. The boohoos hit for a few days and scared the pants off them when I went on about having my guts cut out and I didn't have any crunchy peanut butter. Then I blamed it all on hormones which I had noooo control over, haha.

I should have taken my own advice. I went to the farmers market at 4 weeks and the weight of the bags crept up on me, so I put them in a cart which pushed around for awhile. Then at the checkout it hit, a huge stabbing pain in my left side and I literally couldn't move for about 10 minutes untill it eased up a bit. I got stuck in front of the register and no one could check out because I was in the way. I barely made it home.

It knocked me onn my butt and was a huge set back for me. I was sent for ultrasounds because I couldn't walk without it coming back, but it didn't show anythinig. Think it was a torn stitch, ligament or muscle and now at 8 weeks I finally can get around but it comes back if I walk too far. I'm still scared to pick anything up or bend.

Sometimes family members expect too much, not because they are insensitive but because they can't cope with the feelings of thier own helplessness. As in, they can't fix it so they go into denial about how serious it is - they all want us to be fine. It would be a good idea to print off some of the checkpoints and give them to DH, also there is a DH section on here he needs to read.

You are the only one who is going to monitor your own recovery - so saying I can't do it goes a long way and although I am glad you are feeling well, I think you need maybe to act a bit worse
Unread 12-14-2006, 09:15 AM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

Thank you, ladies. I will print out the checkpoints for him. It's funny though, because even my mom is like, "How are you? ...Well, that's it then. Things are back to normal and move on". ??? Ok. My goodness she is in bed for a week with a cold! Oh well. I only have one errand today and send DS to school in my car (he's 16) and took my DD's car out of the storage barn (she is away at college) so I didn't have to get up and take him today, nor pick him up. I am going to make a list of things that have to be done around the house and pass them out. I appreciate your letting me vent. It gets to be too much sometimes. Thanks so much.
Unread 12-14-2006, 09:27 AM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

Please feel free to vent anytime, that is what we are all here for. My first advice to you is anyone who said to you "if you need anything let me know" take them up on it. Don't feel bad. If you offered someone help would you feel bad? I think the problem is that we all look okay on the outside. We don't look sick because we are not sick, we are healing. How unfair to have the hormonal card thrown at you, I hate that. The toughest people around need to heal. Even Lance Armstrong (7 time tour de france champ) had to rest when he recovered from chemo. The tough thing to do is rest when you are a mother and wife. I bet you do a lot for your family and it is difficult to not do it and be there for them. The best way you can be there for them is to heal and rest properly so that you can be you again. If you to too much it will take you that much longer to heal. I bet your husband is scared and doesn't really know what to say so you need to take control. Just rest and call on anyone who will help.
Unread 12-14-2006, 10:48 AM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

Hi Ladies
My dear I totally understand. And you are tough, but you need some rest. For my first week home my daughter was over alot helping me out but she's married and has a full time job so she can't be here that much now.
I'm now 6 weeks out. Had a TVH. I live in a 3 story house with my significant other (not husband, yet?) and my 18 year old DS. I also have a ton of animals, mostly cats plus a couple of large dogs that have been rescued and rehabilitated. My family is driving me nuts!! DH isn't doing virtually anything excepting thank you's from friends and family for looking after me. I'm chauffering my son everywhere, spend most of the day cleaning litter boxes, picking up hairballs, breaking of little scraps, then I get to sweep, dust, do laundry, look after my two giant dogs, go grocery shopping (I get it divided into lots of individual bags so I can carry them in one at a time), I then have to pick up DS from school, come home make dinner, clean that up then continue on with household maintenance.... I'm telling ya ladies "they just don't get it" and even though I'm now 6 weeks out, I NEED A NAP!!

Thanks for listening. My only reprieve is coming when I go back to work, lol......
Unread 12-14-2006, 03:09 PM
So frustrated with my family (especially DH)(warning..vent)

It always amazes me how helpless family can be and thier expectations we always be the same FOR THEM. I mean if we had a broken arm or leg and they could see the cast I'm sure I wouldn't have been making dinner or having them watch as I tried to clean up thier messes.

My younger daughter, mesy girl but I love her, asked me one day where something of hers was like 2 weeks after surgery. I didn't know and she got upset. I told her I had no idea since I had my uterine tracking device removed, haha.

I try to wax philisophical about it - just goes to show the woman is really the head of the house and the center of the universe

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