I feel so lost

Hello ladies, i'm sorry i think i may go on a bit of a rant, just need to vent if thats ok...

In the last 6 months i have gone from having pains in my abdomen to developing urine retention (i seriously couldn't pee), to finding a lump, to finding out it was a tumour the size of a large grapefruit. Then i had it removed along with my ovary and fallpian tube. Then they told me it was in fact ovarian and endometrial cancer and then i had another surgery to perform a hysterectomy. I am 22 years old, in my menopause and worst of all the dream of having children has been taken away.

My hysterectomy cured me cancer wise, and i feel like i can start putting that behind me. However not being able to have a child is something i can't even begin to get over. My mind doesn't seem to have got to grips with it. Every day about 10 times a day i have to remind myself i will never have children. I still find myself looking at a man i am attracted to and wondering what our kids would look like, i wonder what i would call them, will i be a good mum? I think to myself 'i would never let my kid do/say that'. I look at my dad and think 'he's gonna be such a good grandad'. And then it hits me.

I don't have a boyfriend at the moment and haven't had sex for about a year. I have a large keloid scar left from my surgery (running from just above my belly button, down onto my pubic bone). To be quite honest i think i push anyone who is interested in me away. I look at other girls and imagine their ovaries and wombs safely tucked away inside and imagine my own empty space. My scar is a constant reminder too.

It is true what my friends and family say- there are some men out there who never want children. But i can't imagine ever being with a man like that because i love children. Has anybody else had a hysterectomy but don't yet have a partner? I would love to hear how you feel about relationships... i mean when would you tell someone? On the first date, after a month? Once they really like you? Do you worry how hurt you would feel if they do not call again once you tell them?

People say to me, maybe it was meant to be. Maybe you were meant to adopt, work with children, make a difference in another way? I don't know what i want to do career wise yet, thats why i am working as a teaching assistant at the moment to get a taste of working with children. But i do find it hard. I only recently returned to full time work and still find it a bit tiring. It's been 4 1/2 months since my TAH. Has anyone else worked with children and found it helpful? What are your thoughts?

I feel so lost ,
Thanks for hearing me out

Oh, I can tell how hard this is for you.

I really think that sometimes people think they can "fix" what's wrong by just saying something like, "You can adopt".... when you're not looking for anyone to fix you. You may just want someone to listen, or you may not even want to share what's going on. Both of those things are OK in my book.

You're still pretty early in recovery, and you had lots to deal with. It's possible that even though you think the cancer is behind you, there might still be some lingering doubts you're not even aware of -- doubts that might also be keeping you from forming relationships. Of course, I don't know this -- I don't even know you. Only you can figure this out, maybe with the help of a counselor, and see what is really holding you back.

But I do know one thing: you don't have to figure it all out today. I know that you're an amazing, beautiful woman. Anyone who really loves you isn't going to care about a scar, or whether or not you can bear biological children. It's going to be about what's in your and your mind.

Please be gentle with yourself right now. You're being very thoughtful, and you have so much on your plate. I believe in you, and I know you'll find a way to work through this when you're ready. We're here for you whenever you need us, and the is always on.

My heart goes out to you. You're grieving for the children you never got to have and it's perfectly normal. I have children and the thought of having my hysterectomy makes me very sad.

You asked if there are men out there who don't want children. I divorced in 1997 after 17 years of marriage at age 37. I have three sons from that marriage who are now 22, 19 & 17. In 1998 I fell in love with a man who was 13 years younger than me who had never been married or father any children. I had a tubal ligation after my 17-year-old was born because my C-section from his delivery had both herniated and become infected and had to be repaired when he was 4 months old. The doctors thought it would be better for me to not become pregnant again.

My situation is a little different, because my current husband (we finally married in 2004) has had the opportunity to help raise my sons. However, he says he never felt the need to have children of his own. He's the oldest of three kids and his parents are a little flaky and I think he felt like he'd already raised his brother & sister. Even though he didn't feel the need to have his own children, but he's been a much better father to my boys than their biological Dad. He has the best heart of anyone I've ever known.

There are men out there who will love you for who you are regardless of your ability to give them heirs and they still would make great fathers if you chose to adopt or have children in some other way. You wouldn't want any man who wouldn't consider marrying you because you survived cancer but couldn't have kids because of the life-saving treatment. In a way, it will help you weed out the losers so you can concentrate on the men who's hearts and intentions are pure.

I'm in no way discounting your loss. You're the same age as my oldest son and he still seems like such a child to me sometimes. It would break my heart to have a daughter go through what you have. But the right man can still love you and you can still have a great life. Best of luck to you.

You have been through alot at such a young age, but I can vouch, that there are indeed men who don't care if your able to have children, who will love you for you and not for what you can produce for him. I have been married to my DH for 19yrs, with no children. He just loves me! We don't dislike children, we just were never interested in having any, we like our life the way it is. There is always adoption, for you, and I'm sure many more options. Don't stress yourself out over this, it's just a little bump in the road of life, and you'll overcome it. There is someone out there waiting to meet you, who just loves you! There are so many what ifs in life, don't let this destroy you, let it make you stronger! Good luck and have hope!

Thank you so much

Even the fact that i can write some of my inner most worries instead of forever having them flying around in my mind helps. Your replies made me renew some of that faith that there is someone out there who will love me and even though it falters sometimes especially when you have been rocked by something like this, i just need to be patient.

I feel like there is a big ???? over my head at the moment- About my future, my dreams, my career, my love life. Nothing is what you might call 'sorted', and that scares me . But maybe i should look at the it in a positive way- My future is an open book.

Luckily my family and friends have provided some much needed security and will be there to help me get through this bump in the road. And hystersisters is a great help too!

I guess the key is to learn to be comfortable with the fact that some questions will never be answered by just thinking about them, you have to live through some things to get the answers.

thanks again, love Zoe xxxxxxxxx

Ps. I noticed a few of you have surgery dates coming up, i hope everything goes smoothly and wish you a speedy recovery.

Your post has touched me so much I don't know what to say. No, I'm not in your situation at all. I must say you sound wise beyond your years. My hyst came much later in the game for me. I do have a grown child. Only one, I wanted more. i had much difficulty having one and heard all those things you hear people say to you. They try to be kind, I personally didn't like hearing any of it when folks said such things to me years ago. You are so very young that I hope and pray a life will lay itself out in front of you that you could never have hoped for or dreamed of. You have already fought an heroic battle with cancer. You can continue to be strong and find your way. I can so exactly feel what you are going through that I am fighting back tears trying to tell you what is in my heart.
I will pray that your path will be clear to you soon. I don't know how common adoption is in England, but here it would surely be a viable option. When you find the right man, he will want what you want. Then you will both pursue whatever that is. I will be very honest here. No, I don't really think working with other peoples kids is the same as having your own. If you have that burning desire to have your own family, then work towards finding a man who shares your feelings and go from there. And, my suggestion, at the very moment you think you could fall for a guy.................be honest with him you both deserve that. Yes, you would be hurt if he ran away. But, hey, you know if he ran he wouldn't be what you thought he was anyway. Sorry to carry on so, but you write so clearly what is in your heart that I can feel it so strongly I absolutely had to respond. Take care, I know just by the way you write, the strength I feel from it, that you will do amazingly well!!

	Quote:
My future is an open book.

Amen to that!

Yes, there are men out there that don't think about having children. People said that to me and I wanted to HIT THEM! lol Why? Because the man *I* want would want children! I'm coming to grips with the idea of adopting, and to be honest I'm not sure that's for me. I have my furbabies and I'm content.

I'm a bit older than you are so most men I meet ask if I already have children. When I say no they typically seem a tad shocked (growing up in a society where children are having babies) and ask why not. I usually take that opportunity to say "I can't". If they ask more I'll answer, but usually leave it where it is. It's ok to say "That's a difficult subject I'd rather not get into right now" too. By doing this I don't feel like I'm hiding it from them, yet it doesn't have to be some big topic that could change the path of the r/s either.

Thanks for such a lovely post nonna.

Sometimes i feel like you must known me for years for your words to be so true! I suppose its because a lot of us have been through similar things. It definitely makes us stronger and wiser!

Vega, I just got a little furbaby myself- a kitten called harry. I love him to bits.

I have the same trouble that you mentioned about how to deal with a conversation about having children . I am still struggling with this. Like you say, it depends how i feel at the time. Sometimes its not the time or place to go into it. Every now and then i blurt out what happened, other times i say 'i can't have them... but its a long story', and other times i avoid talking about it at all.

I must admit it is difficult when i get caught in a conversation that i can't contribute to. I suddenly seem to find my fingernail, a piece of my hair, or the edge of the table, the most interesting thing ever! I try to kind of mould in the background until the conversation is over. Its hard when my friends have a moan about their periods, about having to go through childbirth or discuss what they'll call their kids. All sorts of general girly stuff that i used to ponder no end over like the rest of them but now i just get a massive lump in my throat. I'd hate my friends to have to watch what they say and creep around me. Do you reckon that will ever get easier?

s and best wishes XXXX

Ok so it happened, i was expecting it would, but it still didn't make it any easier when it did...

My friend and i met up with a group of blokes we see every now and then. My friend was having a relationship with one of the guys and one night i got chatting to his friend and got the feeling he quite liked me. Nothing came of it, i did my usual don't let him get too close tactic and pushed away his advances.

Last weekend we saw them again and i got chatting with another one of them. He knew what had happened to me (that i can't have children) and started asking me questions about how i felt about it. Some of which i thought were a bit insensitive but i knew he was just being curious. And then he said it to me- 'Yeah, i think Paul was a bit put off when he found out, that is why he didn't take it any further'. It was such a slap in the face hearing it outright like that. He hadn't realised that this might upset me a little (duh!) and carried on the conversation while i stood smiling and nodding in the right places but falling apart inside.

I didn't want to take it any further with him anyway but that doesn't mean i wasn't still a bit gutted to hear what he had said. I don't even blame Paul, why would he want a woman who can't give him a family?
I feel like such a fake sometimes, putting make up on, making myself look nice, going out dancing and socialising. I know its not the only reason you dress up but as for being attractive to members of the opposite sex, i feel like i'm promising something i haven't got.

I feel quite down on myself at the moment. I feel like this was destined to happen to me, like i can't do anything right so why would i be able to have a family?

I never really had many encounters of the sexual nature before this happened to me. I found it more painful than pleasurable and spent most of my time avoiding sex. Sometimes i feel as if my 'girl parts' went against me because i never really used them properly.

I'm just so gutted i can't have kids. I built all my dreams around having a family and now i feel so empty. I don't dare to dream anymore, about relationships or a career because the main dream that it all leads up to is no longer there.

Sorry to sound like such a wimp! I know I’m stronger than this.

Thanks for listening x

Oh, boy. I don't even have the right words to offer to you. How could I? No one who hasn't been in your shoes could give you the right insight here. But, I do think you have an incredible ability to articulate your thoughts. Something most of us do not have. So, just being able to share them, get them out, putting them out for others to read, maybe can help you in some way. I honestly and sincerely believe there is truly a place for you a person for you and a time that it will all simply fall into place. You ARE strong I can read that in your writing. Continue to put yourself out there, go to the social functions. Enjoy time with others your age. Everytime you can go out and forget about yourself for a while, you are winning. Please take care, this is an amazing site here, and you've done the right thing by posting. I can't tell you your problems will disappear, you know they won't. But I can tell you, that somehow you can learn to think of other things ahead of your sorrow. I know I've gotten a lot of help on hystersisters and I'm sure you have and will again.