Adoption, foster or only child? Any advice?

I am blessed to have my 4 year old dd and wanted another but it wasnt in the card for me. My dd wants a sib so bad. I realize that that wont happen the natural way so have concidered adoption or being foster parents. We've (dh and myself) have gone through foster parent classes and frankly it scares me. There is nothing wrong with a child that has issues but I dont think I can handle it. I didnt realize untill we took the classed how much damange a person could do to a child. I was warned that it could really have a negative impact on my dd. (I wont go in to some of the possibilities) We'd love to adopt. The real problem comes in with my health. I have Lupus and at times Im to drained to really do anything but the basics. I dont want to get another child and I get sick and so much is put on my dh. Hes all for another child but Im not so sure. Its insane but I feel guilty when I get sick and he has to take on the role of mom and dad. He says he wants another but Im not so sure he knows what hes in for. So im stuck. Dont know what to do. I was an only child and at first hated it. (up untill I was about 9) I dont want my child to feel like that. I did alot with other kids but it wasnt the same. I dont know if its better that I not get another child and hope my dd can deal with it or go for it and deal with what ever comes? Im 31 and dont want to wait a long time to get another child if that is what we are going to do. I guess this is more a vent but Im so torn. If anyone has any advice or has gone through an experience like this Please post. Maybe if I hear that Im not alone in feeling the way I do Ill feel better.

Dear Selena:

I am mom of two daughters, one adopted & one homemade. If you look at your "problem" and take out the word "adopted", you will see this more clearly. Would it be an issue to have another child in your home? If that child was born to you, there is no guarantee that there are no struggles.

You may want to join a local adoptive families support group so you can meet other families and families-in-waiting.

Good luck to you... I am sending huge cyberhugs

Torry,

I too have an only child. My DS is now 3 1/2. He was born prematurely and has had many medical issues. I had my hyst after he was born. It broke my heart because I've always wanted a big family and I feel he is being cheated out of siblings. That being said, over the years I've made sure that he is surrounded by lots of family (cousins) and friends. He goes to school 4 days a week and quite frankly doesn't seem upset that he's an only child. There are days when he's lonely and bored and I wish he had someone to play with, but I remember having those days and I have two younger brothers. DH and I have talked about foster care (which scares me too) and adoption. Right now DS still has some issues and I feel it's not fair to bring another child in with all that he has going on. I'd hate to bring another child into the family to have them feel left out or neglected because of the attention DS requires right now. DH and I think maybe when he is a little older we'll look into adding to our family. Honestly, if I had the ability to get pregnant, I probably wouldn't right now. You need to do what's right for you and your family. I don't know much about Lupus, but your health is your priority. Just know that you are not alone.

Torry:

I, too have a 4-year-old daughter who is an only child. We adopted her from Russia at the age of 14 mos. We did not necessarily mean for her to be an only child, but it looks like she will be due to the fact that we cannot financially afford another adoption. I almost wish we adopted two at once, but I feel that what was meant to happen will. Yes, she is lonely on the weekends. (She goes to the daycare I work at 5 days a week). But I feel she will adjust as she gets older, and someday we can explain it to her better. She is a very outgoing and friendly child who makes friends easily, so that is a plus for her. Only you know your child and if she can adjust to not having siblings. And you do have your health to consider. Weigh all the options, and pray. Good luck to you. Whatever decision you make will be the right one!!

I too have an only child, a dd. She is now six and like Torry, I am 31. I desperately want another and my dd would love a sibling. I was the baby of 5, but the next youngest was 9 when I was born. I was more like and only child. I was alone on vacations and often felt left out. My dd is outgoing and very social and we vacation with a couple that has two children around her age so she is not alone. That helps. I would love to adopt, but my dh doesn't want to. He implies that if I could have children he would have another (he's never came right out and said it), but he doesn't want to adopt. I think it's the finanical issue. Like you, I don't want to wait much longer or it would be like having two only children. I know I just need to pray that the Lord's will be done, but I feel for those of you experiencing similar pain and conflict. It's so hard at our age when it seems everyone around you is pg. I pray you make the right decision.

I have an only child. My ds will turn three this summer. I have always wanted to adopt. My dh says no way to foster parenting or adopting a foster child. I was a foster child, and yes, we can be very damaged. If you are not 100% sure you can do it, don't.

You can adopt an older child who is not as emotionally damaged, however. If you adopted an older toddler some of the hard baby stuff would be over. There are countries to adopt from where children have lost their parents due to aids or war so they have faced some trauma, but it is not the same kind of trauma that a child who has been abused will have gone through.

You are right to want to protect your daughter. Maybe if she was older it would be easier to take in foster children dealing with PTSD and behavior issues. But with your health to worry about, too, it might all be too much.

I have seen a lot of adoptions with older children (children older than 5) not work out. A basic rule of thumb is the younger the better b/c less damage has been done.

Sorry, this is kind of rambling. But my dh and I are going to wait until my son is about six and then look into adoption internationally...either a baby or an older toddler, or maybe both at once. But we know our limits, and we know that we are not a family who can take in kids who have been severely abused...as much as our hearts go out to those children. It would be too hard on my dh, and hit too close to home for me.

I think it is so beautiful, though, that you went through the training, and want to reach out to love other children besides just your dd. You have a beautiful soul. It's o.k. to put that on hold until your dd is a little older. There are many ways to mother. Have you considered being a childcare provider? There are so many people looking for good childcare! You could offer to have a child in your home on the weekends, or half days if you're home during the week. Whatever your schedule is, people need childcare! If you work during the day you could find an elementary school child who needs to be watched after school until her parents can pick her up, and your dd would have a "big sister" to play with. You could keep the price very low, and do it as a ministry to a single mom or someone who needs help. I have been a nanny for 8 years now. My son has grown up thinking of the kids I nanny for as his siblings. So I feel like I get to love many children, and give my son siblings...it works out great for us. And my dh doesn't have to stay up nights with a baby!

Your heart is in the right place. You'll find your way!

Hi! I've been following this thread and thought it was time to add my story. Mine is abit different. I have two homegrown children, boy and girl and thought my family was complete. But I started working at a daycare when my daughter was 2 and my son was in kindergarden. While there I saw so many children in the foster care program--it broke my heart. What was even sadder was that alot of the foster parents at this daycare seemed to not really care about the kids. Well after alot of talking with my husband we decided we had a great family and could handle another child. So we went through the classes to start fostering, in hopes to move on to adoption. We stated rite off the bat that we wanted a baby so that we could hopefully keep any problems from occuring with my first two. We were blessed with twin boys--one with heart problems and missing a leg. It was a long journey with them which I think of like a rollercoaster ride to get to the part where we could finelly adopt. The boys are now 9 years old, I got one at 3 months and the one with medical problems at 8 mo. I was convinced that any damage they had gotten from their birth family (and they were real damaging people) would not happen with them because I got them as babies and raized and loved like my birth children. (you do fall instantly in love and feel like they were always yours) But I was wrong on the fact that my raizing them would change things. They both have adhd and have alot of trouble with rite and wrong--more than your average 9yr old. One is thought to have opisitional defience dissorder but is still to young to know for sure, they both steal and lie even if the truth was going to make things easier. I know kids do both at this age but they do it ALOT more than usuall. As they get older they are going to need therapy. Some days I ask myself if I have done the rite thing--but then they hug me or or say I love you and I ask my self how could I not? They are my son's and it will be an interesting journey that I can't imagine not have taken. Just remeber though even babies come with troubles sometimes, just ones you might not relize--but they are kids that need love and parents. Hope this all made sense It's late lol Happy Mothers day!

Thanks to all the ladies whom posted. DH and I have decided that at this time we cant take in another child in our lives. Its just not possible. Im getting to the point that Im ok with that. I havent totally givens up( maybe we will be in a better place in two years) but if its not to be than Ill be ok.