considering cancelling--need to vent (long)

I'm to go to the castle 3/13 for TAH-BSO --fibroids, endo, adhesions, PCOS, cervical dysplasia and a lining of over 15 (5 is normal). But with all that I'm fairly asymptomatic--period 21-23 days, 3-4 days moderately light. Dr said uterus was extended well above my naval, but I'm a large gal so tummy matches thighs & rear. Okay my thoughts to cancel--DH and I had a stupid blow-up over a bag of grapefruit. Bottom line he closes down then finds an excuse to go to town until I "get better". The poor man did deal with a PMS woman for a about 18 yrs (but the last 9 I've pretty well had it together). I told him I felt just like years before, and I'm not sure how soon HRT will be figured out. He froze.
I told him I wasn't sure he would be able to take care of me after surgery. Our son is ADD and has slight Asbergers (in other words he's just like his Dad!). My super organized daughter(18) will be in Mexico over spring break, and I'm sending my Mom (I'm her caregiver) to my sister's for two weeks, so DH and DS(16) are all I have. When I ask DH what he wants me to prepare and stock up on before surgery, he says "eh don't worry about it we'll figure out something". (Did I tell you he hates planning, our honeymoon cabin had twin beds no less!) We have a no processed food diet and they don't cook. I'm trying to get so much ready and I'm getting to the end of my list but I'm feeling all alone. He doesn't want to hear the "gory details" of my medical history, he says if something is in there that's bad get it out. BTW he's self-employed and this is his off season so he's around a whole lot of the time.
To his credit he loves me so much and is good in so many ways, but he can't give me the emotional support I need now. Do I cancel? I have no pain. Thanks for the vent, It feels a little better to get it out. Thank ya'll for being there.

Marchkitty

I'm not in your situation, not even close, but I personally wouldn't cancel. You're lucky you're not having pain right now, but if you put it off you might have pain... you have a lot of icky stuff going on in there.

I'd sit the hubby down and flat out tell him he HAS to plan, whether he wants to or not. Or, maybe when you cook dinner for the next few days make extra portions and freeze them...? If nothing else than for yourself so you're taken care of.

Hubby needs to be more supportive to your needs... you need to find a nice way to tell him that

Good luck... no canceling!

I am with you on this one Joy. Marchkitty, my DH isn't the emotional type either. He left the decision of surgery up to me. All told, he stepped up to the plate. You need to get this surgery done, so that you'll heal...you will feel much better afterward. This board was my emtional support while recovering. We're here for you. Chin up sister.

Men are put together different then women, I have learned this. My Dh tries to be very supportive but sometimes just doesn't support me the way I think he should. One min he is all up in what is going on with my Surgery and the next I will be trying to explain something important to him and he gets his Guytude "I can handle it, you don't have to show or tell me every detail" and I just wanna smack him! I am on edge and I swear he trys to tick me off lately. We argue about the stupidist crap lately and then he throws in "you should get upset, its not good for you" The smack heard round the world is coming buddie yoou better duck! LOL But I think you should go through with the surgery I have been through heck in the last couple of weeks, was due to have My hysterectomy on Feb 12th and at my pre-op found out my insurance denied it and wanted further tests. Talk about upsetting! I cried. So on Feb 12th I had a Diagnostic Lap a D&C and Hysterscopy. My heart rate was 152 after surgery in recovery so now I have to see a cardologist, I had to wear a catherter home and ended up having a infection so they put me on Levaquin which apparently I am allergic to and my tongue swelled up and my throat closed and I couldn't breath (yeah) so I had to go on Prednasone and a bunch of other crap, but NOW my insuracne approved my for April 9th. Talk about wanting to cancle. But I know this is the best think for my health. But it doesn;t make it any easier. My Doc but me on this lovely little pill called Ativan and it really helps with the nerves. I am just going to take it until a couple of weeks after the surgery to get through everything.

Did you send him to the Mister Hyster Sister site? There is a link at the top of the page. I read it. I actually got help from it. Then I sent my husband to it. My husband is more supportive and worried than I am. I said, don't take off work. You can still go out of town the following weekend. It is not gonna be bad. But, he canceled his work trip and is taking time off work. I told him he hears me snore enough. But he wants to be here. Even still, there is things he cannot relate to or understand so I sent him the boy link.

Marchkitty, I am just going to plan for my husband and children. If they choose not to read the info I leave them, then they can suffer if they choose! I showed my DH a thing that has to be signed from my sons school. His only question: what do I sign it with? LOL Um, a pen??? He does not want meals brought in, which our church is famous for. He says he will cook. Riiiight! He said he doesn't want the intrusion when he gets home. So, I am going to have them brought over early in the day, ask that they can all be something that goes in the oven or can be reheated later. When that person comes by to bring the meal, I am also going to ask them to help me tidy up or vacuum or whatever needs to be done. And I figure it will help me if I know someone is coming over, I will at least have to brush the fur off my teeth! But I do plan on leaving detailed instructions on how I run the house. Kind of like they do on Wife Swap. If he wants to use "the plan" fine, if doesn't, fine too. My kids are 9, 13 and 17. They will survive! My husband still wants to know what his quality of life will be like with all this hormone stuff, but I know we'll get through it! I am a planner but I also try to be flexible. He will not do things like I do them and that's okay. I would not cancel if I were you. I know I would want to though!

I feel for you. I have a 21 year old dd and a 20 year old ADD, Aspergerg's, Bipolar son. My dh is wonderful but he's a man and he tells me all the time they'll figure it out. Starting about 10 years ago I tested him. I went out of town for a week with my best friend. I almost had a heart attack with things that went on while I was gone-I'm sure there are some things that they didn't tell me. Now I don't even think about it-just got back from vacation and dh had to deal with problems with ds, take dd to urgent care with bronchitus and deal with being sick himself. As far as my surgery goes-he's planning a bit but when a disaster shows up like it always does I'm going to say-"not my problem, can't do anything to help." On a side note, be prepared for issues with you son weeks before the surgery. My ds is pretty stable right now (thanks to drugs) but the last 2 weeks he's been very anxious about his future and I think it's because of my upcoming surgery-and trying to prepare him for being more responsible for himself. Good luck-and I wouldn't cancel just stick to your guns when stuff happens.

Ok, your DH sounds like mine. Doesn't want to know details, etc. Just get it done and over with. He's already had to listen to the details of two ablations from me and my doctor post-op (didn't understand or want to understand any of it) and planning? HAH! Yeah, good luck with that. I have been slightly *****y <oops! please do not attempt to override the censor!>, but I'm like that normally so he doesn't notice. What he does notice is when I start crying from the pain, like I did tonight. Of course, his cure-lay down and take a nap, it will fell better. Sure it will. NOT.

I'm also blood-free right now, but the pain is there. Always, sometimes more than others. If I were you, plan as much as you can and get the surgery done. Some of this may be "close to castle date" jitters on your part, the rest is trying to deal with the fact that your family is going to have to fend for themselves, like it or not. No way will I cancel this surgery, I don't care if he has to eat cat chow and wear dirty clothes for two weeks. That's HIS choice. I will do the best I can pre-op and it's up to him to handle the rest. We can only be mothers to so many people, including our husbands at times. He can be an adult for a few weeks.

I am also in your shoes. My DH will not talk about it and he says that this is the last time I have to have surgery. He just can't deal with what I do day to day. I have three young children who are ADHD and have autism. And my DH is flying out of town on my castle date. So I am just making sure the kiddos will be taken care of, making a freezing meals everyday, and getting things ready for ME. If the vacuum doesn't get run, or the dishes sit for an extra day, it won't kill me. It will all get done in good time. Hang in there. My DH isn't the emotional type so I am getting it here.

I agree with Joy79 in recommending that you not reschedule. If you wait until later, your overall health may be worse going into the surgery, which would probably result in a longer and harder recovery.

I had a LSH almost 3 weeks ago, and am very glad I had it done as soon as possible. Getting everything ready at home and work so I could take a month off was definitely the hardest part, but it has really paid off.

I do the majority of the housework & kid stuff (6 & 8 year old), and my husband doesn't seem to possess the genes that tell you to (1) pick up things instead of stepping over them repeatedly, (2) wash dishes before every single dish in the kitchen is dirty, (3) check that the kids' homework is done each evening instead of five minutes before leaving for school, etc. So, I was pretty worried that he wouldn't take his responsibities with the house & kids seriously during my recovery, or just wouldn't be able to handle everything.

But, I had a serious and calm discussion with him two weeks before surgery, and told him that wasn't supposed to do any significant housework, shopping, cleaning, etc. for probably a full month after surgery. I explained that I had only one chance to heal correctly and quickly, and that if I overdid it, I might cause some long-term problems. It was a good discussion, and also a good chance to ask him if he had any concerns/questions about the surgery.

He's been great! He took a week and a half off from work, and really has made every effort to make sure I behave, especially in those first two crucial weeks. I've rarely had to remind him to do things, except for those things that he didn't seem to be aware that I did. Also, I've learned to accept the fact that at least for a few more weeks, the house is going to be a little dirtier than it would normally be.

If any of you are really concerned that your DH won't be able to handle it, but you're assuming you'll be able to resume your normal duties quickly and take care of things yourself anyway, YOU WON'T. I've had an uncomplicated recovery from a laparoscopic hysterectomy, and have learned that the docs aren't kidding about how long it takes to recover. If your DH really can't handle things, or will be gone, you must line up someone else to help out. If family members can't help, talk to at least one administrative person at a local church (even if you don't go to church), your kids' school, etc. about your situation. Believe me, if word gets around the grapevine that you need help with this, there are people that will offer help, meals, etc. You just need to ask. Don't be shy--figure that you'll pay them back by helping out someone else down the line.

Good luck all of you!