I Love My Uterus (childbirth, pregnancy mentioned)

I am having a hard time with this whole hysterectomy thing.
I'm sick and tired of the loooooong periods,cramps, and going in for some "alternative' treatment every year, so I told my doctor to schedule the hysterectomy. I'm having a TVH in June.
But when I think about losing my uterus, it makes me cry every time.
My babies were made there.
My doctors and labor/delivery nurses told me I have a "Great "uterus, it's large, and it does most of the work for me during labor. My first was 4 1/2 hours, 2nd-3 1/2 hours, 3rd- 2 1/2 hours. One nurse told me I am a baby makin' machine ,that I could easily have 9 kids if I wanted to!(NOT what you want to hear right after delivery)
I'm not very comfortable with the thought of my uterus being hacked up and thrown in the trash like some useless, worn out garbage.
Does anyone else feel this way?
I'm going to be losing a part of myself that has given me so much joy.
yes, it is malfunctioning now, but that doesn't make me love it any less.
I'm going to let them cut it out and throw it away like yesterday's news regardless, but hearing at least one other person say they have the same thoughts would make me feel a little better.

I too have carried two wonderful kids, and place great value on my uterus. My uterus is bicorunate, meaning there is a septum so it is actually heart shaped instead of pear shaped. My obgyn who delivered my babies used to call it the uterus of love. I've been told it was a miracle that I was able to carry two pregnancies with a uterus like mine (though I did have one miscarrage, my first pregnancy).

But here's the thing. Now my uterus of love is causing me a lot of pain. I am missing life a lot because I am in bed with horrible cramping. I can't take advil anymore because I took so much it caused an ulcer. I've been in bed four days, listening to my family, wishing I could get up, but being tied to my heating pad. I got burns from my heating pad, so went to the emergency room. After two percocet, I still feel the pain.

Pain is a message. It tells you that something is not right. If this pain of yours, like mine, has gone on for as long as mine has, it might be time to simply listen to the message. My auntie and my mom both had endo and adenomyosis, like me, and they waited until they were in their fifties to get a hysterectomy. Both say thier forties were the worst period of their life. I refuse to settle for that. Yes I love my uterus for all it gave me (my kids are the light of my life), but perhaps it is time to listen to the message the pain is sending. That part of your body is not functioning properly and needs to come out, and once you recover, if you are like my auntie and my mom (who are both on HRT), you'll feel great.

Many years after my miscarrage, my husband and I realized we had never really dealt with the pain and loss of it. We made a little marker and placed it in the yard. We even named the baby "beloved". Since this seems like it is going to be an issue of pain and loss for you, perhaps you should create a similar ceremony, by yourself, or with close friends. Make the marker beautiful, with beads, glitter, whatever. Make it important. You can buy inexpensive concrete stone kits at any craft store. You don't even have to tell anyone about it. It could be your private ceremony. Your marker could be a simple chain of beads you keep in a special box. The point is to recognize the greif and loss in an important way.

Just an idea. I really feel for you. I cried for two days when I found out I was having my hysterectomy. Now I just can't wait to get it done and get out of this pain.
Best wishes, hugs, smiles, and peace to you.

I get a helium ballon from the grocery store and tie a message on it to my uterous and let it go far into the sky. I may miss not being able to have another baby but I don't miss this miserable, painful area of my body called the uterous anymore then I would miss a pulled tooth !
I am so much healthier now and my two children have multiplied into four lovely grandchildren.
All is well in my world as I hope it is in yours.

I am so glad you posted on this subject! I felt this early on in the decision making process, addressed it while I waited the year for my insurance to change, talked about it to family, and friends, and thought I was over it, until the date of the surgery approached.Wrong! I kept reading the posts of women , jumping with joy to be finally rid of periods and the stuff that went with it. Having their own celebrations to mark it, and I just felt sad. I think I purposely waited until the preop to mention that I had incontinence and would my bladder be tacked as a matter of course. Got what I wanted and more. Surgery cancelled, everything came to a screeching halt, for at least a month, till I could get thr urodynamic testing done and get rescheduled . The day that I should have had the surgery, I woke up ecstatic that I did not have to go to the hospital. Before I went to work that morning, I ran with my dogs, feeling happy and blessed.
I knew that even though I had thought I was ready, had my disability leave scheduled, my disability claim started, even had my temp replacement person in place at work, I was not ready. At lunch that day, I sat in my car and journaled about everything that I was feeling. No judgements, just getting it all out and exploring the why's and then writing about that, and what would make me feel better and why. Then about any fears that I had, and why and how I what it would take to make me feel better about those. It was really neat experience. I wrote about the first time I felt movement from the tiny fetus that would be my first, and then towards the end , I would push in and he would push back.Then I would write about a fear, and how likely that would happen, and what if anything I could do about it, and why. Then I wrote more about why I wanted to keep my uterous, and then more fears, until I got it all out. I wrote about this thing that for me, many (32 ) years ago had been part of miraculous time, now , some Dr wanted to cut out of me. Then I wrote about my decision all those years ago to have a tubal ligation after 3 kids. Could have insisted my ex have a vascectomy, but didn't even consider it. I wrote about the why behind that, and having no regrets. Then, I did a what if exercise. If, my hormones still operated perfectly, and lets say, someone wanted me to carry a baby for them, would I? No, absolutely not. Then, I wrote about the last episode of heavy bleeding, when I got so scared, and was so weak, I couldn't get out of bed, and my husband wanted to call the ambulance.I sure was not prepared on that day, for the cost, hospital stay, disability leave, nothing. I felt helpless, weak and scared. Finally, I reread everything that I had written, and it became clear to me. I was trying to hold onto a symbol of my youth, sweet memories, long after time had turned that symbol into something pretty ugly and scary.The only real decision was either not show up for the appointments and wait to see what the future would hold, and everything associated with that risk, or to go forward, and have a plan. Then, I was really ready. My uterous did good work, and I will still have those sweet memories. I might just have a little ceremony the other poster talked about. I you journal at all, think about writing about all of it. I am so glad that I did. I think that I would have kept replaying the doubts over and over in my mind, like some kind of crazy loop . Now, I am waiting on the scheduling dept to get back with me on my new date. Just as anxious to get it done, as I was to avoid it just a month ago

Mo

OMG! You put into words exactly what I've been struggling with. It's not the surgery that bothers me, it's losing that piece of my identity. It defines me as a woman. I know practically that's not true, but that's how my heart feels. Good luck with making peace with your decision. It really does come down to making peace with the surgery. Even though I don't want to have any more kids, I always liked having the option. Sounds silly but it's true. It's okay to grieve for losing your uterus. It's much more than just your uterus. Good luck and keep us posted!

Today is one year since I had my hyst! I was conflicted like you are. I actually hated my uterus at the time I was having the hyst. I had just had a miscarriage and a stillbirth, tons of complications, and was in severe constant pain that makes me shudder to think of now. I had grown used to the problems with my periods, never realized until they were gone how much they held me back. Now, that the swelly belly is gone I realize just how much my uterus affected even my appearance.
All of those things were reason enough, but as a woman I was still a little sad, and even now I wish I could have had one more baby (I have 7 living so I am a tad off in that dept!!). It was a real, and true loss.

What I have had to come to grips with is that most of my feelings were not based on reality, my mother told me that I was so used to suffering that I did not place the same value on being well that other people do. The truth is that I never had a "normal" period. I know that know because I see my daughters, they function as if their period was not even a factor, because it isn't! I remember at my daughters age being severely anemic, wearing overnight pads to school for my 14 day periods, the first two days I usually couldn't even go to school because of the cramps! My pregnancies were all worth it, but they were high risk becuase of my irritable uterus that had me in and out of labor after the 5th month. My uterus went through the ringer, and it is amazing that I had the 7 I did, and tragic that I lost the two that I did (yes, their loss was related to my poor uterine function and hormones). In fact, I could say that I loved my uterus so much that I had to set it free...but unlike the saying they do NOT come back! That would be a little scary! LOL!
I think it is good that you are facing these feelings now, it is very conflicting for some of us. I just want you to know that I understand, and that it will be hard, but if you are suffering, it will be worth it.

lots of love,
betts

Ah man, I should not have read this thread. LOL! I had not really identified with my uterus in relation to my children and it being their "first home." I need to push that thought away. I more related my "tummy" as a whole to my kiddos- I need to focus on that thought...

I think this is such a wonderful forum to express our thoughts and fears. It IS a challenge to reconcile losing something that has given some of us the greatest gift(s) we have ever recieved.

One poster mentioned the reality of not having more children but losing that "choice". I went though the same thing with I had a T/L after number three. In the back of my mind it felt it could still be reversed "just in case" we changed our minds. Of course the reality was I was approaching 40 and 3 kids were blessings enough but still.....

I remember crying the first time I found out a co-worker was pregnant after I had the T/L. I was THRILLED for her -- she had a challenging time conceiving due to severe endo & 1 ovary. However, I realized it would never be me again experiencing pregnancy. Reality versus the heart is sometimes a tough conflict.

When I had an ablation that seemed to "seal the deal" that we were truly done and my family was complete. A lot of soul searching and talking with people who had had hysters confirmed that it was completely normal to feel a sense of loss.

Facing the hyster now seeoms a means to an end (recovery and feeling better) since I feel like I've already lost the ability to have more children when I had the ablation performed.

I wish you to best of luck with your surgery and finding a sense of peace with your decision. I think sometimes it is a matter of feeling like it isn't really a choice but something being taken from us that magifies all these conflicting feelings.

Teri
TAH scheduled 10 April due to adenomyosis and suspected adhesions.

I guess I felt entirely neutral about my uterus, maybe because I was never able to have children, so that it was never part of my identity, whatever it is that makes me, ME. That made it easier for me to give it up.

I actually laid in bed and cried while DH held me about 1 wk before surgery, realizing that I would no longer have the option to create life within my own body. I too thought, "my uterus was my dd's first home, I felt her move for the first time and she played with DH at night while i tried to sleep and she listend to me read to her and play kenny g for her all while in my uterus growing, and being nurtured" My heart was breaking, but I knew that DH had a vasectomy when DD was 3 and that there are other options but my quality of life was suffering and i wasnt being able to be a mom to her like i wanted and i knew in my heart i had to do this. I have no regrets, yet i have had thoughts in the past couple days postop, of loss and sadness...I like the balloon idea...I may do that when i feel up to a car ride...
i am sorry that you are having to deal with these feelings, i think they are pretty common and normal. God bless you.