Sudden, Constant Reminders

I've known most of my adult life that I would end up where I am now-facing a TAH. Endometriosis has been rampant on my mother's side-her, both of her sisters, and her mother have all had severe endometriosis. Since I started going to a gyno, they've told me my fertile years were limited. I recognized the ticking clock and just trusted that whatever was God's will would happen. I knew that I may want children eventually, but finding the right man has always been my problem. I wouldn't settle for just anyone and decided to develop my career instead of trying to seek "him" out. I have a successful, but stressful job. It certainly keeps me busy and tired when I get home. I value my alone time with my dog at nights and on weekends. I'm perfectly fine hanging around the house by myself most of the time. I've always been independent, almost to a fault. Obviously, such fierce independence makes it hard to meet someone to share my life with.
Most people look at my life and tell me how lucky I am to have accomplished what I have by age 30. They are envious of my being able to sleep in when I want or to be able to drop everything and go somewhere anytime. I always appear emotionally strong and stable. It was never ok to cry when I was a child and that has carried over into my adult life. I don't know anyone other than a couple of close family members who have ever seen me cry. I tend to be the person who is called to help in any family crisis, be it big or small. I feel like I carry the emotional burden for several of my family members. Now that I have finally had to schedule my hysterectomy, it seems like no one will help me with my burden. My mother, who I have recently discovered has some sort of mental illness (I suspect she is bipolar), is too worried about going to a conference about body wraps to stay home and help me when I get home from the hospital. My brother won't go around anyone who's had surgery. I don't know why. Luckily I have an aunt who will come check on me and my closest friend has said she would help me too. Otherwise, I'm pretty much on my own. I work with my dad, who is probably concerned but wouldn't show it or be able to do anything to help. He seems to be more concerned with how long I will be gone from work. I can't say that I've really ever felt so alone. I spent several days freaking out on the inside because I thought I was going to have to stay at my aunt's house instead of my own the day I was released from the hospital. I just wanted to come home to my own bed. I convinced my mom to stay home one extra day so I can be released and brought home. I have obsessed conpulsively thinking about everything that I may possibly need after the surgery so I can take care of myself. I can't believe that after 30 years, I have to try to do this alone. No one will really even talk about it with me. And suddenly, I've started being sensitive to everything that has to do with children. I've chosen not to do anything about having them before now. I don't know that I would have been a good mother. But suddenly I'm upset that I will never be one. I think about when I'm old and being alone my whole life. I see constant reminders of all of the children everyone else has or is about to have. Unfortunately this is about the age that everyone in my generation is having kids. Today, my dad sent me to get a family gift for his friend's daughter that just had a baby. I had to stand in Target picking out diapers, baby blankets, and baby lotion for someone else. All I could think about is that I would never do that for myself. I picked out a card to put with the gift, and it was so hard to read all of the "congratulations" for the mom. I wasn't happy for her at all. When I delivered the gift, the friend's secretary said "now we're just waiting for you to have yours." She couldn't have known that I was having a hysterectomy on Tuesday-and I wasn't going to tell her. There was no way I could make her feel bad for a normal, offhanded comment. I just smiled and told her not to hold her breath waiting.
I learned of another friend who just found out she's having her second child. I had to fake happiness for her. I keep seeing signs on cars that say "baby on board" and I actually take notice. I never worried about that before now. I got a graduation notice for a family member and realized I would never be mailing those for my kids.
I know somewhere I've always had a lingering loneliness. I've never found a man and gotten married. I didn't have kids. Everyone who is so jealous of my life doesn't realize that I'm really sad about it all. No one chooses to be alone forever. They don't realize that asking me to pick out baby gifts less than a week before I lose my fertility is being insensitive. It's probably my fault for not saying something but I don't think I should have to!
Anyway, sorry for the long rambling post. I know enough about psychology to realize that if I don't vent somehow, I won't heal well. I'm really glad that I found this site. I know I'm really not alone with these feelings. I have read several posts that I can relate to and I know there are people out there who can understand. Thanks for reading and good luck to us all while we try to deal with these issues and feelings.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.....you're right it's really the best to get it all out on 'paper' I can relate [although I'm nearly 45 and in the beginning stages of adopting a little girl ] I've had problems for ever too....tried to get pregnant...couldn't.... everyones still having babies around me....and it was hard, VERY HARD.....of course now I know, I want to be a mom, I don't really mind not delivering the baby through 'my' body, I figure its all about the capacity to love another human being....It's pretty late for me to be a mom...but I'm gonna do it anyway ......in the meantime I'm going in to the hospital the same day as you for the same thing you are......and I look at it as if it is a completely new chapter in my life. I will get well and spend some time with myself [after the obvious pain stuff....
don't worry about your family being a bit 'dodgee' right now.....they are not the important one..............you are.............it's really your duty to make sure you get the people you need that are going to have the right attitude around you.............I'm still in 2 minds whether to hire a nurses aide for a day or 2 after my surgery just to hang out for a few hours in the day- my husband [who is lovely.....] I'm not sure will really be able to do it..althoguh he may surprise me he does that on occassions..so I'm thinking of myself and what I will need, to gt through this.....I think that is the only way to go....take this time to really be good to yourself.....it sounds to me like that may be good for both of us...
good luck......think of beautiful smiling dolphins swimming in the ocean [I live near the ocean so I see them.....and they make me feel very peacful] sorry don't mean to get all californian on ya.....I'm from the UK, so I can get away with it.......that is what I'm going to do just as they are counting me down...

take care of your self
paula

Spiff, my heart just broke after reading your post. I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. But I just wanted to tell you something. You're not alone in this. Come to us when you need to cry. No need to be strong all the time. We won't view you as being weak if you're having a bad day and just want to cry. We won't think you're a b*tch if you want to rant. And we're all here with open arms to give you a hug whenever you need them.

The issue with children is a little harder to deal with. I was like you. I always felt that it was in God's hands whether I had children or not. I never intentionally tried to have children (nor did I intentionally try to prevent them either). And as I got older the urge to be a "mom" kind of went away. And then I had this surgery and along with that came these feelings of .....well, don't exactly have any words for it. There are days when looking at babies or anything relating to babies breaks my heart. Of course, there are days when I'm perfectly fine with it, too. I guess I've accepted (for the most part) that I'm not going to be a mom, but the ache is still there, too.

I really looked inside myself and asked myself (honestly) how this surgery changed my life and I was surprised with my answers. It didn't. I'm still the same person I was six months ago. Things that made me happy six months ago still make me happy. Things that made me sad six months ago still make me sad. I'm lucky, I have a wonderful DH who is also my best friend. I have a family who loves me. The only thing that has changed for me is my outlook on life. I appreciate what I have every day now. I don't take my life for granted anymore. I thank God for the gifts he has given me in my life (something I didn't always do before). I appreciate things more. I've become more compassionate since my surgery to how people are feeling.

People don't necessarily mean to be insensitive to you when they ask you to pick up baby items. But now is the time for you to be open and honest and to say, I'm sorry, but I can't deal with this right now. This is too hard for me to handle right now. And yes, when you hear that someone is going to have a baby it's okay that you're not thrilled with the news, and you don't have to be. But unfortunately it's one of those times when you just "grin and bear it". As hard as it is, you just have to put a smile and your face. I've been there. In fact, I am there.

I just found out my niece is expecting her second baby and my sister told me she's thinking of asking me of being in the delivery room with her. So now I'm in the process of deciding if I'm strong enough to do that. In a way I want to be there, but can honestly say emotionally I don't know if I can handle it. I even watch her little one now and then and sometimes it's hard knowing I'll never be able to do that for one of my own every day. Little by little come acceptance. And as I accept this is the way it is the better I feel about things.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that no matter what you're going through, be it good or bad, we're here for you. We're here to give you whatever emotional support you need. But now is the time for you to step up and maybe let the people in your life know that you need them, that you can't be the "strong" one at this moment. Tell them that you NEED their support now. And if you feel those tears coming go ahead and cry. There's no weakness in crying. In fact, those tears can be very healing. But holding in all your emotions won't help you. Don't hold them in so they can turn against you. Don't let hurt turn to resentment. Reach out and you just might find somebody there to catch hold of your hand and help you through this. You did here on this site and here I am.

If you need to talk please feel free to PM me. I may not come visit the site every day, but I do try to come at least once a week to read posts and lend support when I can. And like I said, there are so many of us here on these boards to help you through any bad days and rejoice with you on good days. Best wishes to you.

Lisa

hi. I'm in the same boat too. I'm 35, no kids and just had tah w/bso on march 23. it's been very hard. I didn't think I wanted to be a mother either, but all of a sudden it's like "omg I'll never have a family and I'll be alone forever".....I cried for six days straight. I am still very depressed and anxious. I wonder if I'll ever feel better? Plus, the reason for my hysterectomy was because I had cancer and HAD to do it. It's been very very very hard. My thoughts are with you all!

Thank you all for the responses. I know that truely I am not alone or the only one who feels this way. My emotions have just kind of caught me off guard because I never really gave the fact that I have never had a baby too much thought. It would cross my mind and leave it just as fast. I have spent more nights thinking about being single and alone more in the past couple of years, but not the baby thing. My brother has a little girl and a step son that thinks of him as the only dad he has ever really known. In theory, he adopted him when he married my sister in law. He has done wonderful things for that little boy by being a dad for him. It is really inspirational and a great example of what adoption can do for a life.
I know that adoption will always be an option, and a wonderful one at that. There are so many little ones who need someone to love them. Pmdove, I'm glad to hear that you'll be one of those special people to help a child that needs love. I wish you the very best with that. I hope your surgery goes well on Tuesday. I thought about the nurse thing too, but luckily a friend has volunteered (without my asking even) to come stay w/me for a few days after the surgery. She knows me really well and knows that I tend to not ask for help when I need it. She basically just told me that she would be coming over and not to argue w/her! It was a huge relief to know she would be there for me AND that I didn't even have to ask her.
I really felt a lot better the other night when I got a lot of this off my chest. I feel even better reading the posts that you all have left me. Thank you for the insight and the hugs! I know I will be alright. I'm a strong person and this will be something I will get through soon. I just try to keep the faith that God has something planned for me and I just need to let it materialize.
Since my surgery date is so close, I'm going to take everyone's advice and take care of me. I'm going to go run the last couple of errands this afternoon then spend my Sunday preparing my bedroom to be comfortable, make a nice dinner, and just try to relax. I'm going to make myself quit obsessing about all of the things I THINK need to do. I mean really, is it that important to clean the garage before Tuesday!!?? I haven't done it since last year, so I can't imagine it's all that important to do now
Again, thank you all. I really do feel a lot more confident today!!
Good luck to all of us,
Tiff

good for you Tiff, I had a little nervous breakdown myself at the Dr yesterday....bloody babies all over the wall....but I think it was that and just plain old relief, because I really KNOW i will be so much better off after everything heals.....................no more cramping no more bleeding for me no more PMDD....and for my husband a little more peace.....I went and rented a table for over my bed and a zimmer.....cause my husban will be working so I need to shuffle about...got anew nightie and robe, and slippers.....
it's a beautiful day here, we went for a hike this morning for 2 hours...i was exhilarated and completely done in....we're getting the house in order and then I'm going out for my favorite food Sushi....and I'm going to have a really nice glass of Cab, I'm good to go now...I"m on a roll.....I'll think of you Tuesday tiff, I"m in at 7am PST
how about you??

I go in at 7:30 cdt. I'll think of you probably before you even get up to go check in I have to be there at 5:30 am, which will be fine w/me. The earlier the better. I just have to make sure my ride wakes up in time to get me there!
My pre-op was yesterday too. It made me nervous and my pulse rate showed it. The doc gave me xanax to calm down! He told me I needed to try and get some sleep in the next couple of days so I don't get my immune system down before Tuesday.
It is a really beautiful day here too. The first day w/o rain in a couple days. I'm gonna take the dog for a walk and run to the grocery store for my last minute items and get to chillin' out.
I'll be really glad to get this done. I'm sick of the pmdd too. I think my coworkers are more relieved that I'll be over that! I tend to act like a real jerk when that hits every month.
I've gotten several pairs of lounge pants (extra big so they're comfy), audio books so I can listen instead of read, and a few seasons of shows I've been wanting to watch on DVD. I even bought some granny panties, which I'm not exactly thrilled to have to wear. I should be all set now. I'm glad you've about gotten everything in order...we should be just fine by Tuesday.
I'll think some good thoughts for you when I get up Tuesday morning! We're going to get through this thing faster than we know it. Enjoy that glass of Cab...I think I may have a little of that myself

good luck girls!!! I'll be thinking of you both, it's a big thing!!! But you'll both be just fine!!! you're in my thoughts and prayers!! hugs!!!