Sad about loss (babies mentioned)

It hasn't really hit me until the past few weeks-- been a little distracted with a very long recovery and pummeled with pain killers-- but I feel it now. I just keep praying that I'll be able to feel my worth even though I can't bear children any more. I have three beautiful boys (7 months, 5 and 7 yr old), and I know so many women who can't have any. I have always believed that those women were every bit as valuable as anyone else, but now that it's personal, I just feel so sad I don't have more to offer..... my husband is wonderful about it and is trying to reassure me, but I just feel so sad...

I am not comforted when ladies respond to this by saying "WELL YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT." They're missing the point, and I don't think it's worthwhile to try to enlighten them...I can't hold it against them that their lives haven't taught them the same things that mine has. In the community I live in, every corner you turn you see families and pregnant ladies.....ahhh.. not that I ever wanted to be pregnant again...I was done anyway. But the choice being gone, the feminine parts being gone-- I question what makes me a complete woman now....I feel so altered, and it bothers me because after surgery, I had a peace come over me-- "I'm the same person....I am still me....I will be OK." Where did that go?

Does it help when recovery is more complete and you can do more things? I worked through as much of these emotions preop as I could but that doesn't cover the actual time period of the loss. Any helps will be much appreciated.

Ellie

I know what you mean... totally. I had my surgery on the 3rd and have been trying NOT to focus on these thoughts. But, I am a fool. It is what it is. I find myself reading more and more threads like this, and honestly? THIS is what is helpful...hearing stories of others going through the same thing. Not hearing, "You can adopt." I agree, I am so over that. I have always told myself that, because it is so true. SO many children out there that need a home. BUT, when you are in the midst of all this, things change.

You know what it is? It's the finality of it. That is what's hard. The no turning back...

Hang in there sweetie, continue to heal and we can all comfort each other!

PS. There is a forum on here called Aching Hearts. Check it out.

http://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/forumdisplay.php?f=8

	Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellie77 It hasn't really hit me until the past few weeks-- been a little distracted with a very long recovery and pummeled with pain killers-- but I feel it now. I just keep praying that I'll be able to feel my worth even though I can't bear children any more. I have three beautiful boys (7 months, 5 and 7 yr old), and I know so many women who can't have any. I have always believed that those women were every bit as valuable as anyone else, but now that it's personal, I just feel so sad I don't have more to offer..... my husband is wonderful about it and is trying to reassure me, but I just feel so sad... I am not comforted when ladies respond to this by saying "WELL YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT." They're missing the point, and I don't think it's worthwhile to try to enlighten them...I can't hold it against them that their lives haven't taught them the same things that mine has. In the community I live in, every corner you turn you see families and pregnant ladies.....ahhh.. not that I ever wanted to be pregnant again...I was done anyway. But the choice being gone, the feminine parts being gone-- I question what makes me a complete woman now....I feel so altered, and it bothers me because after surgery, I had a peace come over me-- "I'm the same person....I am still me....I will be OK." Where did that go? Does it help when recovery is more complete and you can do more things? I worked through as much of these emotions preop as I could but that doesn't cover the actual time period of the loss. Any helps will be much appreciated. Ellie

Ellie --

I am not sure what to say, sweetie, other than to give you a lot of hugs!!!

Do know that what you are feeling is normal. I have those feelings as well ... have since I went into surgery knowing a friend at church gave birth to her baby the night before and I was losing my chance to ever do that again. Then another was born and the woman who is helping me is pregnant. They are surrounding me and at times I feel like I am sufficating. It feels like a cruel joke that all of these women are older than me and still in their "child bearing years" while I am suffering through the side effects of menopause.

There are days when I just want to scream that I am 29 and its not fair! There are days when I just want to crawl under the blankets to hide and cry. I didn't want another child but I didn't want to have the choice pulled from me either. I can adopt yes and I would love that child as my own BUT ... I will never feel it move inside me, never birth it, watching it come into the world to great me the way I did with my boys. That bonding time during pregnancy is now lost forever.

Not only that but I some how feel that I am no longer whole. I was reading a sex ed book to my middle son about the differences between girls and boys. They were describing the organs involved -- I no longer have those! So... what makes me a girl? Am I nothing now?

I feel as if I am letting my family down by first being sick and then taking so long to recovery. Complications are doing nothing to help.

okay ... I think I am rambling now and getting off topic. Anways -- with all of the babies being thrown in my face from day one ... its slowly getting better. Not always but I am trying to focus on other things. Things not baby related if at all possible.

I dont know about any of you but I was a little apprehensive before surgery and felt sad about not having anymore kids but I never thought I would have that feeling of not feeling whole as a woman( would just be thrilled with being uterus and bleeding free). Now I am shocked at how much I feel incomplete as a woman. It strange to notice and feel something is missing. I guess we just have to concentrate on when we are feeling completely better(whatever that is) and dont have to worry about so much bleeding and have energy again. I think some of the post op trials like insomnia, emotions, fatigue and the long recovery road(didnt expect) plays into all these feelings.

I so agree with all of you ladies!

And Ellie thank you so much for bringing up the adopt thing! i had a friend completely dismiss what i was going through by saying, Oh well, you can just adopt like me!

that is not the point! the point is this long odyssey we have been going through and the pain and the changes it has brought. I feel i am a different person and it is about so much more than Oh no uterus well just adopt.

that's not what this is about, it is not what I have had to process....

I so totally agree with you gals! My dh and I had been planning on having another child for the past year or so... I have two boys of my own, but I really wanted to be able to give my dh one of his "own" and we were so hoping for a little girl.... now every time I see little girls or even girl clothes I have to swallow the tears.... I'm lucky my dh loves my boys as his own... but am so sad to never be able to see the look on his face as his newborn is handed to him! The finality of this really hurts!

Because I kept my ovaries, I even looked into having a serogate mother... sheesh that is expensive!!! WAY out of my budget.... even adoption is out of my budget. And yes I agree, if I could adopt I would love it as my own... but missinng out on those (long but worth it) 9 months is saddening.

My dh is upset too, but as he put it, he doesn't know what he's missing... he hasn't been through the experience... I feel like I have failed him!

I always thought that being pregnant and giving birth would be the most amazing experience of my life. I will have to look for something else to be amazing...

that friend who said oh well just adopt -- FIFTY thousand at least.

Desiree you have not failed your husband. But i wont belittle what you and he are both feeling with some kumbiyah buck you up speech. I am sure you are both mourning this loss, just as i am mourning mine.

Thank you lalawoman, I really needed to hear someone (other than my hubby) tell me that! You brought tears to my eyes.... not of sadness though, not really sure how to explain it

Ellie
THANK YOU for bringing this sad loss up in this thread. The night before surgery I was crying my eyes out and all my feelings of not having that choice for more kids and also wondering what am I? I thought I was the only one feeling this way and it still hurts. I tried to talk to my sister but she didn't understand at all how I was feeling. In fact she said "you got to be kidding? You are really feeling like you donn't know what you are? She said that ovaries, uterus don't make a woman"....for some reason that didn't comfort me. My DH tried to support my fears and confustion and still is. To this day, even though my family knows that there will be no babies, I still cringe when they talk about babies. They aren't being insensitive....it just comes up.
I don't know if time will ever heal this empty loss. Just have to see and have faith.

Ellie, I completely know what you are going through. I also have three children 9,8 and 5. I know I have been blessed and am thankful that we went against everyones wishes and did have our children early in our marriage. I got married when I was 18. I am 29 now and can't imagine if Ididn't have the kids and had waited. I am a member of a local mom's board also but have declined an invite to a baby shower for 6 of the ladies. I am happy for them, I really am but I just can't right now. It is the fact that I never have the option again, like I believe Desiree said.. the finality of it. Huge hugs and I hope you know we're all here for you!!