When you least expect it.....it just hurts!

It has been a while since I have posted to Hystersisters. I have really appreciated all the information I have gotten from the amazing women on this site. But, it has take so much time, energy and focus to not only prepare for what is coming up in a little less than a month but to also continue to stay on task with the demands of graduate school. I also had a grand mal seizure of my birthday in July from my epilepsy which added insult to injury and have been trying to recup lost time ever since. I thought I was doing really well when today I read something that a colleague of my had posted in our daily discussions for class ( my graduate school is online) that really threw me for a loop and I started to cry. She was describing her joy of not only being told she was having a baby but the sex of the child and a confirmed due date. She then went on to describe how hearing that made it so much more real to her. I really wanted to feel joy for her but I could not. I felt hurt and frustrated. My thought was...."Yes I know what feeling how real something is means! In fact, this week when i signed the papers for my hysterectomy and the words on the page in bold black ink read...this will make you permanently sterile....that seemed real as h--- to me!!!!!!!!! I so much wanted to scream at the top of my lungs! Most of the time, I am able to rationalize things fairly well and I try really hard to stay pretty strong because I worry about how it will effect the people around me. But, this just hurts. I will never know what she got to know. I will never hear from a doctor....it's going to be a.......! EVER! I feel so ripped off! Right now it feels like there are a lot of "I will never" in the MOM department! And I am getting tired of everyone telling me that my life was meant to take a different path for a special purpose! Right now at this very second I do not feel very special and I know that there are people out there who are much worse off than I am. But, I also know I just really need to grieve this loss fully and completely and not just put on a happy face for the rest of the world to see everyday. Thanks for those of you who will read this and take the time to listen in advance.

You are right, yo have to live this expirience as you feel it, I think this is the right way, no better or worst. If you shows a happy face, as I did, makes you feel with all weight of the world on your shoulders, giving you more pains. You have the information, the support previous of your op, And I think you will be ready when you wake up, to accepted, but in this moments look for help, support to your loving ones, someone who lives a expirience similar.
I can not share the expirience with that person, because the only one in my family is my grandmother, and noone tell her what happen to me, because she has a heart condition, and the news about almost die could be fatal to her, but I know she lived something similiar to me.
Look for a counselor, at least you can talk, cry and get a good advice
at last go to a lonely place ,mountain, beach, whatever you like and scream, cry and relieve with the nature, I just did it. It makes you feel better.
This is a process, you need to live yours, LIVE IT, do not hide it, that is the worst.
Regards
Jimena

All I can say to you my dear friend is...muchismas gracias de tu amiga y hermana en Phoenix, AZ!!!(Thanks so much from your friend and sister in Phoenix, AZ)
I am so sorry that you cannot share it with the person you love the most. That must be hard in a few ways. I am sure it is not only difficult because you wish you could share it with her more than anyone. But also difficult because when you care for someone so much who is an older person in your family who you love and respect deeply, it is really hard sometimes to watch them go through the changes that age can bring in life. Voy a rezar por ti y tu familia. Cuidate( I am going to pray for you and your family. Take care of yourself!)!!! Abrazos(Hugs!!)

Patricia

Hi phnxrising71:

Giant s to you!! I can relate in a way to what you're going through. I never had kids. It wasn't necessarily by choice, it just never happened for only reasons that God knows.

Unlike you, however, I was postmenopausal and thought I had accepted the fact that I would never know what it's like to be pregnant and have a child and all that stuff. Then, after my hysterectomy, it really hit me like a ton of bricks!!! I cried endlessly for weeks over what I thought I had accepted. And I went through all the anger and pain issues too. Apparently, deep within me I hadn't totally accepted it.

You may not want to hear this right now, but in a way you are fortunate in that you can go through the greiving and anger process now before your surgery so that it won't be such a shock afterwards like mine was.

I agree with Pudu that you should go somewhere quiet and alone and scream and cry and get it out whenever you need to (and sadly, you may need to repeatedly). I did, although I didn't go anywhere. I just stood in the middle of the living room or dining room or where ever I happened to be in the house at the time and screamed, cried, threw things (broke a couple of things too) and got it all out.

I still have some crying and anger 6 months later, but it has gotten better and less intense each time. I'm finding out that the old cliche "time heals all wounds" is more than just a cliche, it's an absolute truth.

You may also want to check into counseling. I did and even saw her this morning. It's really helpful to have someone to talk to and cry to that's objective and can offer ways/suggestions to help you get through this time of pain.

As far as "putting on a happy face for the rest of the world to see", who says you have to???? I used to do that but don't anymore. If I'm not in a good mood, I don't pretend to be and I've found that those around me are actually more helpful to me. Especially at work. If I'm feeling depressed or anger or anything that I'm not smiling, my co-workers either do things that make me laugh or they'll take an extra few minutes to just listen and offer comfort and it really helps me get out of my many moods. Yesterday, was a particularly bad day for me and my DH called me at work and sang to me a silly song he made up that had me laughing in no time. And my boss started a rubber band battle. Came walking around the corner to my office and stood just outside my door, let it rip and then took off. Luckily it missed me, but I picked it up, went after him, shot it back at him and caught him on the arm. The "game" continued for about 15 minutes and he included a few others. Made me feel soo much better and I was able to better concentrate on my work.

I hope you find peace soon.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I also feel that same sense of loss. My hyst was last year. When I was younger, I just put the thought of having kids out of my mind thinking that I had the rest of my life for that. I never tried to find out if we could because I didn't want my dh and me to be one of those couples who gets the stares and whispers that, "they can't have kids...." so I didn't let myself even think about it. I never even addressed those feelings at that age (stupid me) - to find out whether I really wanted to have them or not. Now, I'm doing the grieving and deep thinking that I should have done when I was younger and then some (playing catch up with the grieving process). So, I agree with vikingprincess in that it's good to grieve now rather than after the hyst. I think you're working it all out right now so that you'll be better aware of your feelings about this later. I think it's a needed process.

Recently, an acquaintance of mine was telling me she's pregnant and that she already has two kids. It kind of made me sink down in my chair and feel bad, and I knew I'd have to endure the next few minutes with her telling me about her kids. She was really excited. I got through that by realizing that she means no harm and really does think I as well as everyone else is excited for her, and the thing that REALLY got me through it was thinking about all of the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, fussing, fighting, her worrying about them when they get hurt, her going through post-partum depression, not enough money for the really nice vacations, etc. She and her significant other will most times not have a moment's peace until they're all completely grown up! I have also known people whose kids got caught up in the wrong crowds and became drug addicts. My sense of longing was still there but was also beginning to turn into feeling sorrow for her as well. In my mind, I pictured her going through sheer chaos with three kids - how scary, I thought.

I used to take care of kids of someone very close to me, so I know about some of the terrible things parents go through with kids. Anyway, that's how I cope when others seem so excited about having kids. I hope this has helped you too.

I also agree with the others in that you should have an outlet and also where vikingprincess wrote about not putting on a happy face for the rest of the world if you don't feel like it. With me, I think some people can still sense the truth even though I appear to be smiling.

Take care and I believe you'll feel better after you go through the necessary grieving process. My thoughts are with you.

Hi Phnxrising71.
I understand your feelings of being ripped off. My hyst was on the 11th of July and I have no kids. I'm recovering at home at the moment and just can't stand anything to do with pregnant women. But they are everywhere!!! You just can't get away from it and I feel so much anger and resentment toward them.

A few days before my surgery one of my colleagues made a comment that she would want a sympathy card if she found out she was pregnant. This woman knew in detail what was happening to me. Her comment just hurt so much - that someone could take it for granted. And there is also another girl at work who is pregnant and I had to watch her getting bigger and talking so excitedly about the baby. I have to admit I played on her fear in terms of the change it will bring to her life being her first child. It was very mean and petty of me but I felt so angry at her for thinking about herself not being able to go to a club or something similar - particularly things that she should have considered before her planned pregnancy. I felt like she didn't deserve it!!

I too am good at rationalising. I talk about my logic brain and my emotional brain. My logical brain is fine...it gets that there was no other option, that I've had 5 years of pain from fibroids that is now finally over. It understands that it's not my fault and my partner wants to be with me not a babymaker. It's happy and adjusted because finally there is no question about my fertility - its final. But then my emotional brain kicks in. That's the one that does't really want to listen to the other side saying 'it's fine, it doen't matter'. It see pregnant woman and feels such a resentment toward them that it hurts. That's the part of me that I'm not sure if it will ever be ok with it.

I've heard that 'special purpose' line too. I know people (like my mum) say it because they think it makes you feel better but it doesn't help and it doesn't change anything. Maybe I was supposed to adopt 6 billion orphans from Borneo and raise them like my own. It doesn't make that fact that I can't have my own any less unfair or painful.

I don't want to belittle your thoughts by telling some of my story. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. That everything you are feeling is 'normal' and makes sense to me.

Thank you for putting up your post. It's helped me think about the whole baby thing again, which helps me process and 'get on with life'.

I understand you're about a week post. It would be great to hear how you're doing when you are up to it.

Nicole :hug:

WOW!! Three cheers for my sister from ! It feels so good to be understood sometimes. I so totally get all that you said. I have been taking all the great comments that all my sisters on here have been saying and really trying to look for opportunities to put my own "shine" on where I can. In fact, Saturday evening I did something I would have never done in a million years and it was a blast! I was out on a first date with this really great guy who is a very talented local musician. We went to an Irish pub in Phoenix to see one of the bands he plays Bass with when they need a substitute every now and again and they pulled me up with them on stage to play with them for a bit.
In the past, I would have run and hidden in the girls restroom and been mortified. But, a good pint of Guinness into it I kept telling myself to remember that this is the fun stuff I will be able to do because I will continue to have the freedom to do so! It was a blast and probably one of the best first dates I have ever had. I know there will still be some things that my "emotional brain" as you say will struggle with some days. But, I am going to take the suggestions of everyone on here and try to find ways to heal even if I have to drive to the Grand Canyon and scream into it for relief. Thanks again!

Patricia