Hysterversary of 3yrs today...VERY sad

Hello,

Today is my 3year anniversary of my complete hysto. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 20. About 6 weeks before my 21st birthday. Now I'm 23, almost 24. I've had 12 pelvic surgeries since age 16 and am looking at another due to a hurnia and severe pain...STILL.

I am just sad and weepy today. I know I made the right choice logicly but my heart still hurts. And all my close girlfriends are having babies, it seems like constantly right now. My husband and I have custody of his 13yr old 1/2-brother. We've had him since Dec. 24th, 2005. We were suppose to do a surrogacy on Jan 8th, 2006. My husband said it wouldn't be fair to his brother for us to have a baby. We fount out a yr ago our child(his brother) is bi-polar & ADHD. So my husband rationalizes constantly why it's not right for us to have a baby because there is a possibility of it having the same mental health issues. Also my husband is a Iraqi war veteran, he came back from an 18month tour in spring '04 and just recently(since June) started to deal with everything he had to do over there. So, now it's looking like the only baby I'll ever have is my 20 pound cat!

Anyway, it still makes me upset, angry and sad I can't have baby. When all these women pop-out babies like nothing and don't even deserve them or can take care of them. When I know what we can offer to a baby/child is so much. I know thhis because of how far Chance(dh bro) has come due to us.

I just want I guess some words of support and comfort. And to hear "It will be okay".

Thanks,
Kitty_Mahre

Kitty_Mahre, I am so sorry that all of this has happened as it has for you, and I understand how three years later you are still mourning your losses. However, at some point I hope you will think about what else might give you something to look forward to in life and work towards approaching that.....it might be a continuation of your education, or finding work you truly love, or a hobby you have long put off. It might be developing a new friendship with someone you like but just haven't found the time or energy for. Or deepening a friendship or relationship you already have.

I know that right now my ideas may be of little consolation to you, but think.....in spite of your major loss you are fortunate to have a DH who's remained with you throughout (even if he's not always perfect), and it sounds like you are doing wonderful and valuable things for Chance and will have the opportunity to do more for this child (one whom perhaps no one else would want to deal with). And, is adoption totally out of the question with your DH, even if it's ten years down the road? I would bet that there are many more blessings in your life that you can think about, and maybe focusing on those, instead of what you don't have, may help.

If you find that your feelings of loss are keeping you from moving on, please also consider seeing a counselor who perhaps specializes in grief and bereavement issues, or talk with your pastor if you have one (speaking of which, now might be a good time to either explore or deepen your spirituality). Medication has also helped many get through difficult periods and might also be worth considering.

Please know that we are here for you and for each other, and please keep coming back as you need to. We may not have all the answers here, but we genuinely care. A big to you from all of us!

Reading your story brings tears to my eyes, too.

Of course, you and I both know that outcomes don't happen because people "deserve" them... if that were so, the world would be a whole lot different than it is.

I wish I could do more than send a (((cyberhug))) but that's really all I can do. The rest is up to you, your support team (dh, your nephew, and others), and time.

I can also tell you how proud I am of you for being able to put your feelings into words. That's one way to start dealing with them. No, it doesn't change anything to be able to write how you feel -- but it starts you on the road to be able to process it.

to you. Please be gentle with yourself during this time and I hope you are able to feel better soon.

Hi Kitty! My surgery was in June 2004. There has been ups and downs. Lately it's been okay. It will be that way, I won't lie. But you will have good days too. Hang in there and hugs to you. Snowygrrl

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue{{{{{kitty_mahre}}}}},

I have to send you a cyber hug also. I feel so badly for you. You're so young to be dealing with all of this. It's difficult to give up on our dreams.
What needs immediate attention is that you and your husband get some counseling to deal with everything. Your husband may also feel overwhelmed right now. Maybe after a year or two of counseling he will reconsider the surrogacy or adoption. That will also give you more time to focus on Chance. It is challenging to raise any child but one who has special needs requires more attention. You are still young, you have many years to plan for another child. I know that doesn't take away the pain of not giving birth. But there are so many children who need a good home. Since you are doing so well with Chance, I hope that you and your husband are able to help another child in the future.

Please keep posting and let us know how you and your family are.[/color]

Hey...my husband always tries to make me feel better about not having surgery by bringing up my 20 lb cat.
He says if we had kids, they would probably be obese because we would just keep feeding them.
Hope that brings a smile to your face.
I know it usually works for me.

Love,
Sue