If one more person says............

You should be happy god blessed u with children I AM GOING TO SCREAM!!!!! Yes I am blessed but that does not mean I didnt want to have more children. I wanted more I did, this surgery broke my heart, I might not have been planning on having more but every month there was always that chance it would happen. I dont want to hear about who is having a baby anymore I dont want to be around pregnant women, I cant even look at babies, I want my womb back!!!!! I want to scream and I want to cry and I want to just say to people You dont know how my heart feels so stop telling me how I should feel!!!! I feel so bad I can not be happy for relatives who are having babies, I just cant!!! I feel guilty and Horrible I just want someone to Understand. I do not want to be a horriable green eyed monster, I dont want to cry over this anymore I want to get over it!!!!!! I know I am venting but I just want to scream I found out my sister in law is pregnant and I did not take the news well, And my mother told me she does not understand why I sounded sad and I should be happy god blessed me with children. It just felt like a double stab in the heart!!!!! And I just dont want to be around my sister in law right now and my mother just cant understand that. I have issues and it hurts. I want to be this big strong person who has it all together. My brother and his wife cant keep a job, have to live in my mothers house cause they never pay rent anywhere they live, They have one child my mother is supporting and now she is having another one! I know I sound like the biggest brat! I know I do but I need to say all of this I need to know I am not crazy, I Have not lost my mind!!!!!

You are not crazy or insensitive. You are very normal with wanting to keep your uterus and wanting more children. I was past the age of conceiving and was sure I did not want more children when I had my surgery, but I too had these feelings and was surprised by them.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers for peace. Please know you are not alone here. I am glad you came here to talk about your feelings, as it helps to be among others who understand.

Sending s your way.

Huge Hugs! I think those feelings are normal for us. I still want more babies...I have always wanted more than one, but it never happened. My DD is pregnant again, I am happy for her, but I still want another one of my own. (I am only 37...started a wee bit early on the babies) Opps...here is my stupid vent...I want a separate waiting room at the DR office. No, I don't think your baby is cute...no I don't want your child to speak to me...It is hard enough to sit there and then I have to see all the happy pregnant women and thier cranky children?!?

You are not insensitive or horrible...you should hear what goes through my brain sometimes...

Sister, I completely understand. To be honest with you it sounds like you have taken an excerpt from my very own diary. I have one brother and sister in law who live in a house my parents own, do not pay rent (mom and dad only charge $100.00/month) and just had a new baby. They have a 20 year old daughter who my mother has raised since she was 8 weeks old, and they have a 6 year old who my mother has with her at least 90% of the time. This new baby was so hard on me and I was so angry throughout (I swear, I love her, I do, but pain is pain and can't be hidden away). Now, they are both unemployed and saying things (in front of me, after I have BEGGED them NOT to) like "Oh, maybe just one more baby, we should have one more while we can" What the Heck is that???? I haven't had my Hyst. yet, but I have been medically unable to conceive for years and finally it has gotten bad enough that the doctors have decided to do a complete hysterectomy. I know it isn't exact, but I feel your hurt sister. I also have another brother who has a girlfriend that is pregnant. When they drove all the way from KC (about an hour drive) specifically, to show me their Sono Pics, after I asked them via the phone (when they called to tell me "it's a girl") to PLEASE NOT show me the sono pics I about died in my spot. They even had the nerve to say to me "You should be happy sis, AT LEAST you get to plan the shower." I lost it, I ran away crying and screamed from my bedroom that she could throw her own darn shower!!!
My mother, (oddly, since she had the same issues as me) simply says "You have been lucky to have the children you got. You know that you should never have had any to start with because of your health. You should be thankful. You don't need any more children, your body can't handle it"
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to scream, cry and even throw things.....OFTEN. You are NOT crazy, you are NOT horrible. You are a woman in mourning and this type of pain hurts like none other. I know that I am not perfect in any way, I act a bit "touched in the head" when pain and hurt gets the best of me and I firmly believe and stand by the fact that all people handle pain in their own way and no one way is the "right" way or the "wrong" way. Trust your heart and your spirit, they will not lead you wrong. I am here for you. Please send me a message any time. There is no monster coming out of you, just a whole lot of hurt; and healing is still to come.

Dear Havu,

Thank goodness you wrote that, one, so you can let it out and two, so I could cry when I read it. I feel the same way and I feel that life has really knocked it to me. I am so mad about all the things that have been happening to me the last few years and yes, I admit it, I'm a little, a lot, bitter about it all. I can't understand what I did to deserve these things and some of my friends are starting to tell me that they feel bad for me too. Which is not what I really want to hear.

I know, or I hope, all of these feelings are just hormones getting back into play, but I feel just the way you do. I am only 38 and I really can't wrap my head around the fact that I had a hysterectomy at 38. I have been blessed with two children and I truly am grateful, but in my heart I ALWAYS wanted more and now that's not an option.

I know I vented too much, but I really wanted you to know you are not alone.

Please take care of you,
Kel

Oh, wow...........I'm SO glad I'm not the only one feeling this way.

I'm only 3 1/2 weeks post-op, and this is the 1st day this issue has really even hit me. I was watching some sappy show on TV, & it showed how happy everyone is when a baby is born. Yes, I'm BLESSED w/2 wonderful children, but the idea of NOT BEING ABLE to anymore just slapped me right upside the head. I cannot have children anymore, ever.

I got angry w/my husband because BEFORE the surgery, even when I'd discuss "maybe" having another one (I'm 41......so not very realistic in the 1st place), he would always just blow it off & say, "You know we can't handle another one." Well, now, I told him today HE can still have kids if he wants to; I can't.

And I feel so silly even having these feelings because honestly, our children are teenagers and soon to be adults so having another child at this point is just not realistic. But don't we always dream of another beautiful baby? There's something very special about a brand-new baby, about being pregnant, about giving birth. Something we can't ever do again even if we wanted to.

I don't know if this was the right place to post this, so I won't be offended if it gets moved. I was just afraid to read too many other threads because I thought I'd go into a full blown crying jag if I read too many others. I just needed to get this off my chest. At least my husband did let me cry about it and let me rant & rave.

Dear Supportneeded,

I told my husband the other day about how I have been feeling since the surgery, that now it's not ever going to happen, etc. and he had the nerve to say to me that he didn't know I wanted another baby and that I should have told him. I told him I was so offended because of course I have told him that, many times. He always said I don't want another baby, etc.

We are still hardly talking, so that doesn't help with my recovery. That's why I am so grateful for this site.

	Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb52298 Dear Supportneeded, I told my husband the other day about how I have been feeling since the surgery, that now it's not ever going to happen, etc. and he had the nerve to say to me that he didn't know I wanted another baby and that I should have told him. I told him I was so offended because of course I have told him that, many times. He always said I don't want another baby, etc. We are still hardly talking, so that doesn't help with my recovery. That's why I am so grateful for this site.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough timw with this, Kel. This type of surgery is SOOOOOO much more than just a physical procedure. It really involves all kinds of emotions on so many levels. I'm thankful for this site as well.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hi ladies. I had a few pregnancies and only two births.. To which I am extremely happy about.. Especially since over the last year both had become very ill and many nights I would say my goodbyes, just incase tomorrow did not come for them.. BUT tomorrow did come and the next day and the next and 5 surgeries later, thanks to God and wonderful surgeons they are alive and on the healthier side of things.. So you see I am blessed and thankful. Then there is that silent part of me that misses pregnancy.. That aches for another baby as I am only 28 years old. A few years ago when the children started having health problems, my health problems took a turn for the worse. I always knew that I had problems with endometriosis and such and many doctors told me how lucky I was to have children. I had numerous surgeries.. One was to help me become pregnant with my son who is now 5years old. A few years ago I decided to have my tubes tied as I knew that there was danger in becoming pregnant again. I knew my children needed me and I had to focus on them. I knew at that time that my husband and I were finished having babies.. We had both a boy and girl.. Secretly in the back of my head I always knew that I could become pregnant again.. That is was possible… I would pray and pray for that miracle as I was dreading this new change. I was not ready to say good bye to those days.. Then I started having my health problems.. My cervix would come so far down that the tip of it protruded. My uterus was so large.. And my paps were abnormal. I had to have a hysterectomy.. And so I did. AND til this day I mourn the finalization that I will never bare any more children into this world. I always hear from people.. “thank goodness youcan not have more children.. You have two that need you!” and while I understand that statement and while it does help me when I feel this way, the truth is I am mourning the loss of those baby making years. I am mourning the pitter patter of baby feet.. Midnight feedings and more. I know this woman who has been fighting to becme pregnant for a long time now.. Spent so much money on invitro and nothing.. I asked why she will not adapt and her answer was a good one.. She wants a baby that is of her genes.. So I say ok and wish her luck. AND I realize something… I could adapt and maybe some day I will.. That surely gives me some hope. I am sorry for all who go through this.. Or these emotions. I hope for peace of mind and comfort for you all.

i am a month out of surgery and i had every thing removed for fear of future surgery. my body is not in the healthy state and surgery is very dangerous for me. i am also feeling this loss. and i am sick and tired of feeling like i should be blessed that i have one child that is what every one tellsme of course i am blessed with my 12 year old that is a given but the empy ness i feel because i cannont have a child with my current husband and he has no biological children and i soo wanted to give him one but he is for the most part infertile our only hope was IVF and that is soo expensive and my health just is not good enough to carry another child we decided this surgery was for the best. but i ache secretly becasue my family dosent understand that i truely wanted more. i dont even think that i truely new how bad i wanted another until i had this sugery. now every where i go everyone is pg. and the doctors office is the worst all the baby bumps and i just cant handle it. i dont cry because i dont want to upset my husband. my son has always wanted a baby sibleing and was very angry when i had this surgery this did not help the sutuation at all but i realize he is greving too. my husband seems like all is well and i dont knowif he is hurting too. i feel all of you ladies frustration becasue i am there too. i still wonder if i made the right decision too late to change it now. i do relize that there are other ways to have children in my life and i am focusing on that we cannont adopt becasue of my health but i can be a good aunt and friends have lots of kids i can be the best i can for them. i just cant get over the loss . i know in my head it was the thing to do so why am i hurting over something that most likely wouldnt have happened any way, one good thing about this surery is i wont have that monthy reminder that im not pregnant any more that was hard to deal with. now i need to learn how to love my new life and move on . i hope that my story helps others know they are not alone. now that i found this thread i know i am not crazy and others feel the same way thank you for shareing . Kelly 32 years old LAVH dec. 31st 2007 .