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Friends trying to help?!?!? Friends trying to help?!?!?

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  #1  
Unread 03-12-2008, 06:13 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

I have the best friend in the world!! She really is... but now that I am having this surgery she is driveing me nuts!!! She had 4 children all by c section. I have no children. I think if I hear her compair her c section to my surgery one more time I am going to scream!!! She also, today, compaired it to her galbaldder surgery.. WHAT THE !?!?! I know that she is only trying to help but... she does not have any idea what my feelings are, I really don't think anyone around me does. I am a very strong person so it is hard for anyone tha knows me see me get down or scared so I knida hide it. (I know not a good idea) My friend also keeps saying that she wants me to have the surgey first because "she needs one".. she hasn't been to a doc in about 4 yrs not even for a pap. She just has bad cramps once in a while so she thinks she has the same prob I have!!! Can't she just let me feel the way I feel and hurt for me and with me!?!?!
HELP!!!
Carla
  #2  
Unread 03-12-2008, 06:28 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

Carla,
I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I can tell you that I COMPLETELY understand. My good friend that lives across the street from me is the SAME way. She goes on and on about how quickly she recovered from her c-section and how this will be a piece of cake. Or she tells me that her mom had everything done I'm having done and it was no big deal. Well, it's a big deal to ME! I just want to punch her in the nose sometime and compare that to the time I got hit in the nose with a volleyball.

A personal question, and feel free to ignore it, but did you want to have kids? I only ask because I know the grieving I have gone through about this surgery and I have 3 kids. I made the decision that I wouldn't have any more kids when I agreed to the ablation 2 years ago. But the finality of having my uterus removed is a whole different thing.

Thanks for sharing your story about your friend. Hopefully others will have some advice for dealing with these kinds of people!!!
  #3  
Unread 03-12-2008, 06:43 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

Tooth-Fairy,
hello sista...ok i had one of those kind of friends and man they can drive a girl nuts! first off, I would just in general bring up that you had read that a c-section is kinda like a hyster... but not, theres a article you can read on this site(pre-op page,scroll down on leftside). Everybody is different. Im also a strong woman, positive thinker but I had a brief moment that fear ran thru my body that gave me pause. Tell her your scared, its ok to be... hopefully she gets it without you having to beat her over the head with it! Give her your docs number tell her if she wants one give them a call...maybe you can have them at the same time!...lol...maybe that will help...if nothing else...tell her what YOU need..understanding,love,a shoulder,a ear.....etc...but, we are here to listen, help if we can. I'm sorry you don't think anyone around you really understands but if they havent been thru it can they really understand? prolly not, but they SHOULD at least try......hope this helps if not I'm sorry....has she always been selfish? this is bout YOU and noone else...Good Luck....

Live Well,Laugh Often,Love Much
  #4  
Unread 03-12-2008, 07:02 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

aaah busy-body but well meaning friends, I know exactly what you mean and how exasperating it can be. I remember needing the quiet time before my surgery. There were emotions to process and feelings to sort out. I wanted to just "be" - no judgements, no advice. I also have no kids and it finally dawned on me, I never would. It was an overwhelming emotion - of grief, loss and finality. I also felt a wonderful sense of freedom and hope once I had processed it. Only somebody who has gone through what you are going through will truly understand. Here you are in the right place. Among the right friends. Stay connected and you will be able to tune the other one out.
  #5  
Unread 03-12-2008, 07:13 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

Hey Carla! It's not just best friends that do that compare thing! It's mothers, mother-in-laws, kids and even husbands!

My mom (superwoman) had a TAH at age 45 and pretty much breezed right through it. So she assumes I'll have no trouble either. Big difference though, I have 4 kiddos at home to take care of! She just had hubby, who took very good care of her I might add.

My ex-mother-in-law had LAVH at age 38. She just assumes that my recovery from TAH will be just as "easy" as hers! Even though I'll have an abdominal incision!!! I asked her if she'd come down to help take care of my kids (her grandkids) for a week after my surgery and she said I won't need help that I'll be up and around just fine!!!!!

My son, who has had over 25 surgeries (including several abdominal) just isn't concerned with my TAH at all. He says it just doesn't compare with what he's gone through. I'm willing to conceede that point to him, but I'd still like a little compassion!

My husband kind of dismisses my concerns. He compares my upcomming TAH with my 2 C-sections. I've tried to tell him that this is much more serious than a C-section, but he just doesn't get it. He also tries to compare it to his ex-wife's 2 C-sections and gallbladder surgery and how she recovered so well. Then he compares it to his appendectomy and how he got over it very quickly. I just want to strangle him or scream, or both!!!

I'm sorry. I guess this hasn't really helped you any, except maybe to let you know that you're not alone! I hope you can have a heart-to-heart with her soon. Maybe she is just really nervous and concerned for you and she just doesn't know how to deal with those feelings. Perhaps if you openly share your feelings, she'll do the same. Good luck and keep us posted! It's so nice to be able to share our feelings here, isn't it?
  #6  
Unread 03-12-2008, 07:20 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

I think people who have not been through this are just clueless, and it is so foreign to think about childlessness. A very good friend of mine told me that her daughter-in-law was pregnant for the 4th time right after I told her how my pre-op appointment went. I know she never would have said anything if she knew I would be hurt by that, but like I said, I just don't think people get it. I am 44 and been married for 25 years, we were never blessed with children, and both of us have come to terms with this. However, the night before my surgery I broke down and sobbed in my husbands arms. I am fine now, and refuse to be a bitter person. Life is too short. Hang in there. Hugs!
  #7  
Unread 03-12-2008, 07:56 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

  Quote:
Originally Posted by karaokemarge
Carla,
I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I can tell you that I COMPLETELY understand. My good friend that lives across the street from me is the SAME way. She goes on and on about how quickly she recovered from her c-section and how this will be a piece of cake. Or she tells me that her mom had everything done I'm having done and it was no big deal. Well, it's a big deal to ME! I just want to punch her in the nose sometime and compare that to the time I got hit in the nose with a volleyball.

A personal question, and feel free to ignore it, but did you want to have kids? I only ask because I know the grieving I have gone through about this surgery and I have 3 kids. I made the decision that I wouldn't have any more kids when I agreed to the ablation 2 years ago. But the finality of having my uterus removed is a whole different thing.

Thanks for sharing your story about your friend. Hopefully others will have some advice for dealing with these kinds of people!!!
At one time I wanted a family... This is just the way things worked out. My husband and I are very happy with it just being us. Still the hysteroctomey is so final. I am happy I found everyone here to understand.
Thanks
  #8  
Unread 03-12-2008, 08:15 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

Well, if it helps, tell her you heard from someone that had both operations that they are not alike, and this is a rougher recovery. (Because I am sure that she is purely thinking of the physical side, not the mental.) And if she's really a good friend, i thin kyou could tell her that emotionally this is different and you would appreciate her not making the comparison...I mean, she's probably dense, not uncaring, and would be devastated to realize that she was hurting you.
  #9  
Unread 03-12-2008, 08:23 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

  Quote:
Originally Posted by ponchito
aaah busy-body but well meaning friends, I know exactly what you mean and how exasperating it can be. I remember needing the quiet time before my surgery. There were emotions to process and feelings to sort out. I wanted to just "be" - no judgements, no advice. I also have no kids and it finally dawned on me, I never would. It was an overwhelming emotion - of grief, loss and finality. I also felt a wonderful sense of freedom and hope once I had processed it. Only somebody who has gone through what you are going through will truly understand. Here you are in the right place. Among the right friends. Stay connected and you will be able to tune the other one out.
Thank you for shareing your feelings. You really know how I feel. I finally came to the realization that I NEVER will have children. I new it couldn't happen, highly unlikely, but now it is so final. I do feel empty, so much feeling that I have surpressed and I am not sure how to let it out. I do like to read these posts because we all really are connected. I am thankful to have found friends like you all!!!
Thank you so much for undrestanding!!
Carla
  #10  
Unread 03-12-2008, 08:25 PM
Friends trying to help?!?!?

  Quote:
Originally Posted by Way out West
I think people who have not been through this are just clueless, and it is so foreign to think about childlessness. A very good friend of mine told me that her daughter-in-law was pregnant for the 4th time right after I told her how my pre-op appointment went. I know she never would have said anything if she knew I would be hurt by that, but like I said, I just don't think people get it. I am 44 and been married for 25 years, we were never blessed with children, and both of us have come to terms with this. However, the night before my surgery I broke down and sobbed in my husbands arms. I am fine now, and refuse to be a bitter person. Life is too short. Hang in there. Hugs!
Thank you... I do feel blessed to have been given my husband. He is great, he is just fine with how our life is without children. We have 2 puppies that are our children!!!
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