Suddenly overwhelmed with grief about decision (child mentioned)

Hi ladies...you all have helped me so much and I haven't even posted here yet.

I am having a really hard time with emotions about my impending surgery. At 35, I have a beautiful daughter that I am so blessed to have...I am and I know this. Yet, I ache that I won't be able to have another. Initially I thought that I was grieving the loss of being able to make the decision to have another pregnancy or not. This weekend though, I really began to see that I am grieving the loss of that child that could have been. Coupled with that, I also am grieving the loss of my first child...a daughter lost in the second trimester. I suddenly feel so empty inside, yet my life is so full. I am so very grateful, but feeling so sad...

You are not alone in your grief here, as many of us suffer loss of not being able to have children. This surgery is a major life change and it will take some time to adjust.

Glad you came here to talk and share your feelings.

Sending lot's of s your way.

Oh I hear you Sister-finally someone like me! This is long...hope you don't mind.
In my life people make me feel I am ungrateful for what I have because I am sad I cannot have another child. I know they are trying to help me count my blessings. But they are separate issues entirely.
I am 37 with a 7 year old daughter. I miscarried at the 12th week the first time i was pregnant 5 years earlier. Which surprised me in its quiet grief, and it would pop up especially when I suddenly realized how old the child would have been had he/she been born. Noone acknowledged it-sort of treated it as a mis-start. But that child was real to me.
Couldn't have more kids due to severe and medically unmanageable depression that lasted almost 5 years and almost cost me my life(a whole other topic that deserves GREAT compassion). Well that was traumatic itself. But I always loved my daughter and just wanted to be ok to raise her well. I came out of that spontaneously in 30 minutes one day. Docs told me they were waiting for pregnancy hormones to shift to prepregnancy levels(postpartum is like PMS Xs 1000 I was told).
Anyhow, I have the parts and they work, but I cannot safely use them without killing myself or worse next time. It felt bizarre and unfair! Especially when you find very few like yourself. (No support groups or even info anywhere about what to do suffering post partum after the docs have exhausted every drug/avenue...you are on your own-very dangerous). I was told I was a rare case as most women respond to anti-depressants and go on to have great experiences. They turn me suicidal in 3 days. I am that 2% I am told. I felt sorrow and grief over not enjoying her early years. It was like torture(my shrink said it was like a forced march during the war-oh yeah and so much worse then that). Because I can remember it-and it was scary and vicious- the urges and unbiden thoughts were out of a nightmare.
So the last years I have been coming to terms with not having anymore kids. Adoption sounded good, but hubby is not on board- he's exhausted after the past. That made my grief even harder.
The emotions would just roll out after months of quiet. I love babies, but please don't put them in my arms or I'll cry. I understand everything. I agree with being sensible and the thought of ppd again fills me with terror. BUT my heart has not caught up with my head. Hubby is exasperated, you know, it is what it is, move on....don't torture yourself. But I don't dwell-it just jumps out. You know what I feel is really hard Mole? Besides the chin up, be happy for what you have speal, its those times when you haven't been thinking of it for months, and THEN, you dream of getting/being pregnant or giving birth. At this age it is very vivid. I think my clock is really trying to get in a last hurrah. Pulling out all the stops! Those dreams are tough and hormonally driven I believe. I mean my dreams are so strong it says get pregnant anyway...crazy! I wake up and think No. But they come every few months. My hubby got a vasectomy and I didn't argue-his body/his procreation rights, and he wanted to protect us from a potentially life threatening accident(pregnancy triggers me-not just the birth). I calmly went to the hospital-left him there and went and bawled in a park somewhere. I have bawled in parking lots outside gynie's offices quite a few times. It just comes welling up! I know what I do or don't do now will affect me forever.
Several things have slowly revealed themselves to me. I miss the child that could have been, the loss of control in a society where we expect things to go our way, and a specialist who is going to perform my hysterectomy being extremely compassionate. He just "got it". I wasn't a monster-this is brain chemistry driven, he rolled his chair up to me took my hand (he was very close), looked in my eyes, and gently said, "Next time it will not only kill you, but you will not be able to control who else you may harm if you go psychotic-and it will be worse there is No doubt". (I wasn't psychotic last time-but God I was so close, praying and hanging on-and yes I begged for a bed at a psych ward-I would have ran there-there were none). Then I knew it was over. I could not risk everything and everyone I loved. He said I was not emotionally ready for surgery yet-and I could have kissed him with relief. He was not upset at all. Now I am ready, even though I'm terrified-I cannot function anymore.
I won't pretend I don't still have moments, and expect to have a really hard time emotionally after the surgery. I am at great risk of depression afterwards with hormone changes a trigger for me. I trust it is now a process. Everywhere I turn, this surgery makes itself obviously required. So, I will do it now to feel better and be all I can be in another way. I am an artist. People have saying for years its high time to have some shows. So its time to focus on myself. I have fought alot of battles. Be in better health for the loved ones I have here now depending on me. So, I am starting to wonder with my current life events, if God/universe/whatever, is trying to tell me its my time to develop myself now. Even if its in a different direction.
I don't know what your beliefs are-I am not churchy per se, but I truly feel the souls that are suppose to be with me here on earth, are. We cannot see the future or lives we will touch down the road. But people can show up in our lives in many ways. Maybe my gifts need to go in another direction. Also, with everything happening (hubby is having a crises), I am also wondering if 1 child right now, is all I can cope with(although I have a big heart, I am taxed). It hasn't always been a comfortable fit, and I have fought alot, but life sometimes shapes us despite our efforts. I know the other soul is with me, and the experience was short but life changing for me(at the time I didn't want kids-it woke me to the fact I did!).
I also think of people's lives throughout history. So many changes to plans, hopes, dreams. So many terrible hardships.That is the real life experience you know. All the stuff that happens while we are making plans. I also know there are some hard experiences/regrets that will always be with us, but will soften with time. Like the wish for more children. And I am a great believer that the long view of our lives make sense even though we struggle thru it (rail against it!) at the time.
But at this point I have to focus on the one I have-my life has got much more difficult lately. So I will deal with the life I have in front of me. And just the other day I saw the old saying/prayer, and it hit home with me like never before.... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It may be well worn, but so very true.
I think that is where I finally had to get. Some things are a gradual giving in to life when she decides to set limits for us. It is a process we do fight. It is totally OK to feel your emotions even if noone understands. It is your reality and your truth. Facing it when it pops up is better then trying to deny it. Look at it, feel it, and honour it. Repeatedly if necessary. I find it has gotten much easier this way. I don't dwell, I acknowledge it, and smile wistfully at life. It is quite a ride we get on, who can dictate the turns, and the terms? It is *every experience* isn't it? ;-)
*Hug* Take care.

Wow...thank you so much. That was so heartfelt. Thank you so much for sharing. Your words of encouragement and your quote... You are so very right. I can't change the fact that I need surgery..and I can't change the fact that it hurts to think about loss. I do have to let it be...and I have actually - some...I've cried a few times in the last days. That's good for me. Sometimes I think that antidepressents make me go numb...but I'm not totally come to find out. I really appreciate everything that you said!