Developed Anorexia Nervosa Post Hysterectomy

I havent been here in ages but I thought of coming here to reach out today because of my unique situation.

I had a total hysterectomy and removal of both ovaries at 33 years of age, about 3.5 years ago. Even with hormone replacement (and I went through many over several years before finding a good fit for me) surgical menopause has been an extremely rough ride for me and my body has been through so many changes. In 2006 my naturopathic doctor put me on a strict anti candida diet (yeast and sugar free) due to constant yeast infections and pelvic pain/bowel issues post hysterectomy. I followed it to a T and in fact because of my addictive personality (recovering alcoholic with 9 years sobriety) and history of anorexia as a teenager the diet seemed to spark in me an obsession with eating only certain foods. I went so overboard I lost a ton of weight off my already tiny frame for fear of eating the wrong food. I had a routine dexa scan six months later in September 2006 that revealed big time osteoporosis in my spine. It was a wakeup call and prompted me to return to a more normal diet and improve my health (it turns out the pelvic pain was from scar tissue and adhesions that a second surgery fixed...I still have the yeast infections). I quit smoking, sought out a hormone replacement my body would absorb (all my lab tests showed severe deficiencies in all hormones despite the hrt I was on), and began a weight bearing exercise regiman. I put on weight but instead of stabilizing at my normal weight of 116 lbs (I am 5'6") that I had been at for years prior to my hysterectomy I kept gaining. By April 2008 I was at the highest weight I have ever been, 132 lbs. I was also suffering from fibromyalgia like pain and fatigue. I went through a pain program shortly before this and was encouraged to join the fitness center and exercise to help. In April I felt this terror at my weight gain and the lack of control over my body and my life that had been building up for some time since my hysterectomy. I had such an intense frustration and hatred for my body that I vowed to lose weight no matter what. And I did. I began to restrict what I ate until by July I was consuming a mere 700 calories a day with virtually no fat or sugar. I increased my exercise to five days a week until exercise became an all out compulsion. I have gotten to where I climb ten flights of stairs up and ten flights down at work daily (I work in a major medical center) and will not allow myself to take elevators. I spend 1.5 hours a day five days a week at the gym in addition. I do abdominal exercises and many many jumping jacks at night before bed. In December my body went well under 100 lbs (too ashamed to say just how far) and due to being in starvation mode I began to binge uncontrollably for the first time in my life. This brought about purging and laxative abuse and even more exercise and restricting. I was finally confronted by family due to being extremely emaciated even though I still sometimes have a hard time seeing that. My perception is so far off. I began outpatient treatment in December but now due to the severity of my health issues (osteoporosis and now bradycardia induced by anorexia and electolyte imbalances) they are pushing for me to go to inpatient treatment. I am finally waking up to the severity of my problem and want help, but part of me is still terrified of letting go of some form of control. I begged to do intensive outpatient instead. But I find myself still longing to exercise (I am not allowed to until I gain a bit of weight) and feeling guilty and disgusted at eating normally, albeit relieved to have "permission".

So thats my introduction to my current issues. In exploring how this all came about, I find similarities between going through puberty as a teenager and developing a woman's body for the first time that scared me into dieting (as well as being a dancer and being pressured to lose weight despite still growing), and now, having gone through a sudden and drastic menopause at a young age. I have not adjusted and coped well with this. I thought I had gotten better. I went through an acceptance and healing process and forgave my gynecologist, and I thought I was in a better place. But obviously I was wrong.

Has anyone else struggled with anorexia or another eating disorder since their hysterectomy? Did anyone have a history of one beforehand that was retriggered since having a hysterectomy? I just cant find anyone out there that has gone through this that might be able to offer insight. Even if you havent had a hysterectomy but developed anorexia as an older adult I would love to hear from you and how you have overcome or managed to deal with it.

I know I am dying and I am fighting to get better but its so hard. I never dreamed I would be battling this at my age. I'm scared to go to inpatient but deep down I know it is probably the best step for me. My doctors are really pushing it and its hard for me to trust them. They are only giving me a month to gain some weight and show I am improving before having me committed.

I know there are many support groups out there for anorexia but I have not found anyone who had a hysterectomy and developed anorexia afterwards, especially going through surgical menopause at a young age.
Even if you didnt or dont have an eating disorder, if you could even give your experience on how you have learned to accept and love yourself after struggling with a hysterectomy or menopause of some sort. I just really need encouragement right now. I'm so scared of gaining weight but also scared to die and lose the job and relationships I have worked so hard at building. Thanks so much for reading and any inpurt. Sorry if I posted in the wrong place.

It sounds like your avoidance of certain foods while trying to get rid of yeast created orthorexia in you. With a past of anorexia, that probably made you very vulnerable. I know what it is like to try to fight yeast. You end up avoiding so many foods that it is very difficult to keep weight on. Your past as a dancer certainly fits in with what so many young girls experience. I danced too so I can relate to the weight obsession. I never have been anorexic myself so I am not the best person to give you advice. There are no easy answers, I know. Only someone in your position who has overcome the feelings of a distorted image of what your body looks like can give you concrete advice. Please just know that people care. You matter to others. Being well is possible. You have gotten better before and so you are capable of doing it again. I will be thinking of you.

I used to work with a girl that had anorexia & the fact that you now accept that you have a problem is half the battle, so well done for that :-)

I want to say so many things to you but I am struggling to find the right words, as I did when I worked with her, but I want you to know that with the right help you can get through this.

And you have us at Hystersisters rooting for you.

I have developed a "borderline" eating disorder. My doc said I am on a fast track towards anorexia. She also said that my impaired self image is most likely hormonal. I had an lavh/bso. I am not on any HRT. I am consuming 1200 calories or less a day and working out almost every day. When hubby is out of town (luckily not often) then I REALLY get bad since he isnt here to nag me to eat.

So far, I am being left alone. My doc thinks that HRT is going to help. I am not on any yet though. And hubby is being a proactive "eating" coach, LOL.

But, I totally understand how easy it is to become obsessed with a distorted self image. People look at me and have no clue what my issue is, including hubby. They dont understand that I dont see what they do. I look in the mirror and see lots of LUMPS and BUMPS.

I know how hard it is for me and I dont have it full blown. And I know I am in NO position to give you advice BUT I would suggest inpatient care and listening to your docs. And trust me, it's much easier for me to sit here and tell YOU what to do than to do i myself :smilie5:

Good luck with your decision.

I am on the opposite side of body image and eating issues. Rather than extra-large, I refer to myself as extra-beautiful. Although it would be easy to joke around with myself about how great it would be to lose weight, my heart aches for you right now. We never see ourselves as others do, and it's so easy to focus on the things we don't like instead of accepting and loving the shape we're in. Many of us struggle with that on a daily basis; you clearly struggle more than most.

I have been watching one of my college students struggle with an eating disorder recently, so although I haven't experienced this myself, my heart goes out to you. My student was in-patient over the holidays, and it was wonderful for her. She is now struggling again, and one thing that I've noticed with her is that the in-patient experience is great because while you're there, people are making you do the right thing. But you get back into the real world, and you're around the same triggers with the freedom to make unhealthy choices. So if you do go in-patient, please be sure that when you're released you continue treatment and that there's someone else you agree to be accountable to in terms of food and behaviors.

At this point, it sounds like the ED is in control, not you. Take it day by day, hour by hour. And remember that a mistake is not a failure. It's a sign of being human.

I am sorry you are having to go through all that. I am having the opposite problem & need to take weight off & can't find the motivation. I guess we all fight something. I don't have any words of wisdom but I am sure someone here will. Best wishes to you!

Thank you so much everyone for offering your encouragement and support! Even if you dont have the answers (does anyone?) or havent experienced the exact issues, it helps just to have encouragement. So often I feel so much guilt inside and it helps to remember I am just human and this isnt my fault.

LookingforaSis,
Thank you for sharing and being honest. I sincerely hope the hrt helps you and you can get a handle on this before you get as bad as I am (and believe me it can still get a whole lot worse for me too). Eating disorders are such an addiction and once you are sucked in it is nearly impossible to get out without serious help. And it truly is amazing how distorted our body image becomes isnt it? I still have trouble accepting the label "anorexia" because I dont feel thin enough or sick enough, despite having a team of eating disorder specialists working with me and family and coworkers constantly concerned. Despite having heart palpatations and chest tightness and osteoporosis and a metabolism that is shot and hair growing on my abdomen, lower back, face, chest. Despite freezing all the time and exhausted but unable to sleep. And the hunger. Oh my I am hungry ALL THE TIME. Not a minute passes that I dont obsess about food and calories and menus and plan weeks, even months ahead, what I will eat every minute of every day. Exercising despite the heart palpatations (had an abnormal EKG reading also) and knowing I could have a heart attack any time. Giving in to the madening hunger and then swallowing tons of laxatives and purging expensive food because of wracking guilt and shame. This is no life. It is madness. And it started with a seemingly harmless diet and exercise last May (but truly it started years ago, just needed the right time to blossom). By the time you figure out it has become an addiction and an obsession, or become visibly sick enough that someone intervenes on your behalf despite your denial, the damage has already taken a toll. I still get angry at the constant parade of diet advertisements and "lose weight" articles and promises in all the women's magazines and on tv and billboards. Thin is still everything. One day I came up to a receptionist at a doctors office recently and she told me how great I looked without knowing why I was there. I weighed 95 lbs at 5'6" and I was so weak I barely made it there. Part of me wanted to punch her but part of me was motivated to keep losing because someone thought I still looked great. Its insane. I wish I werent so vulnerable to what others think. I wish I didnt have this inate need to please and to be perfect.

ctaylor64,
I do admire your strength and wisdom! It sounds like you have come a long way to accept yourself as you are and can laugh at your imperfections. I hope someday to get there. Thank you for offering your insight. I will keep these things in mind. You are all very kind!

Naturebound- I totally get what you're going through. I too was 33 when I had my hyster(it was an emergency, so I couldn't process anything) and I'm a dancer/choreographer. I've had several bouts of severe anorexia and now 3 months out of surgery and all these meds that I'm on, I've gained aton of weight! I tell people that I used to have a six pack and now it looks like i'm six months p.g. I'm trying really hard not to slip into the old habits and my DH, Mom, and friends would know and kick my &**!!! We also were blessed witha son almost 6 years ago and I made a promise to myself that I would never do anything to change the mommy he knows and sees. I think he's my biggest inspiration in life period!

But, would I want to see my dance/theater friends looking like this h*!! no!!!!!

I don't know if that helps or not, I just wanted you to understand that you are definitely not alone!! and I' always here for chats if need be. Good Luck and STAY HEALTHY!!!
love&daisies
jenn