Why won't he talk?

Hello Sisters, I am about 6 1/2 weeks away from my hysterectomy and I am having issues with my husband. When I try to talk to him about it, I get the feeling from him that I am interrupting what he was doing (which usually is reading sports crap on the computer).

This past weekend I spent some time with my best friend (who recently had a hyster), and she asked my how my husband was dealing with it. My response, "he's not". He won't talk to me about it. The only thing I can get him to say is, "he wants me to not be in pain anymore". That's it.

OMG, I am so frustrated. Why won't he talk with me about this? Why does it seem he's acting like it's not a big deal?

Hi celticmoonwolf

I'm sorry you're hurting. Men can be strange creatures. They don't like to talk about their feelings, and they don't understand why we want to talk with them about something unless we want them to fix it for us. Okay, I'm generalizing, but the men in my life are like this.

When I was facing my hysterectomy, my feelings were so very intense and complex. It was so hard for me to understand why my husband and sons didn't have an emotional response to it at all. They wanted everything to be fixed for me, and since it wasn't something they could do for me, they just didn't understand the purpose of a conversation. At one point, I finally went to my husband and gave him a list of some of the things I thought we could expect from my recovery--and then I asked him how we could respond when those things happened. Giving him something concrete that he could act on did help pull out a few of his feelings.

Deborah Tannen, a scholar in language use, has pointed out that women use language for building relationships--that when we're talking and listening we feel closer to the person. Men, however, use language for exchanging information and negotiating power. They really just don't get it, and it isn't because they don't care or don't have feelings. They're just wired differently. Unfortunately, knowing this about men doesn't make it easier for us when we're hurting.

Meanwhile, keep on coming here for all the support and understanding and we have to give you. We'll be here.

I've also been wondering about the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows. I haven't figured out how to enforce that.

I was just about in tears tonight. My husband doesn't want to talk about it either, and is mad at me whenever I don't have the brain power to talk about other stuff. He's usually on his computer too, and wants me to talk about whatever he's looking at, but it doesn't go both ways. He told me tonight I'm consumed with this, and all I ever do is complain about how much pain I'm in and how crappy I feel. He might as well have said "blah, blah, blah" This weekend he told me I'm not keeping up with "my" responsibilities, and expecting too much from him. He thinks he is the main victim of this disease.

He's heard of women back to work in a week after hyster, and that's what he's expecting. That's what a strong woman would do, suck it up! And if I still have any recurring problems after hyster, I don't know how he'll react. I'm really scared of that. This has to fix me!!!

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made this about me. I guess my point is that you are not alone!!! I've been posting on here like crazy and I've found an outlet for my questions and concerns. I really wish it could be my DH, but as he's told me, he's never had endo or a hyster so there is no way he could understand. The women here get it!

If you figure out how to connect with your DH, please let me know!!! I feel like this disease is ruining my marriage, along with my life and health.

Yes, men are a strange breed. Most of them don't really want to face the possibility their mate may be seriously ill. My DH of 47 years was fine with the hysterectomy, but won't say a word now that I have the diagonis of cancer. I finally asked one of his man friends what DH is saying when they talk. All I found out is that DH is "scared"

Yes I would love to talk about my feelings, but that is not his way. He is there when I make trips to DR or need anything. Sometimes he even hovers over me. I guess that shows how he feels even more than talking.

Since this diagonis, cancer has taken over my life and it is all I can think or talk about. Maybe DH just wants a wife not a patient.

Maybe not be much help for you, but I can understand my man a little better after putting this in words.

All the best to you and I hope the surgery "fixes" you.

My Dh was the same way I hemorrhage from my period in Jan needed a blood transfusion started thinking about hysterectomy my husband said I needed to wait till after our vacation in April .In Feb started hemorrhaging had to stay off feet for 6 days .Told Dr and husband I decided hysterecomy my husband would not talk about it until the week before .At first he said he would not take off work but he did and when I was being wheeled in to the operation room he got very emotional .I think it is normal for some men just not be able to express themselves your husband is scared so he would rather not deal with it .

Well guess my hubby isn't normal, cause I mentioned to him about the other women on this site and how they feel the reason he won't talk to me is cause he's worried.

his reply, "what do I have to be worried about".

I rattled off, what if I die, what if things were to be different afterwards. His reply, I'm not worried.

So now what? Is he just a heartless b*stard?

My husband said the exact same thing, even as we were walking into the hospital. However, his behavior told me that he was anxious. He was very fidgety and very quiet--sure signs of his anxiety. I think he just didn't recognize the feelings as "worry" in the way that I would have. Honestly, I don't think he and I even define the word in the same way. Any time I ask a "what if?" question or remind someone of specific tasks that need to be done, he says I'm worrying.

If your husband isn't worried, it might just mean that he's decided to trust the doctors that everything will be okay. Here's what I did: I told my husband that I needed him to spend five minutes every day telling me how much he loved me and how he hoped I would be okay after the surgery. I just needed to hear it.

I have no idea whether your husband is heartless or not, but he sounds like a lot of other guys I know.

Just keep talking to them even though they don't respond...they are listening. Men don't like to show weakness and I truly believe when they shut down like this they are deeply worried about us and worry about loosing us. Even though they are the bread winner we are the glue that keeps the family and home together. They really do depend on us. Trust in your heart and pray about it....they really do love us. You may even see them change once the surgery is over and they know you are ok.

I pray for everyone.

In our family, right now I am actually the bread winner. I know he's not worried about losing money cause I should be able to teach online classes this summer.

I just wish he wouldn't seem so nonchalant about it all. He says he trusts the doctor knows what he's doing, but I just get a feeling he doesn't care. Maybe it's just cause I'm so over emotional.

As for trusting my heart, oh my gosh right now I have no idea what it would even tell me. I still have 6 1/2 weeks to go till surgery. If this keeps up I'm gonna drive myself insane before I go in.

As you might have read through this site....the wait is the worst part. I thought I was going to loose it also. Maybe the two of you need to have a date night...just go out and have fun without talking about the surgery.