Bad association with big surgery...(Pregnancy Mentioned)

Many years ago, I was 14 weeks pregnant. We were in Mexico, and I hadn't wanted to go. I was sicker than a dog from the pregnancy and I knew I'd be "left out" and trying to find food I could eat was bad enough, etc.
The pregnancy wouldn't have lasted as it turns out anyways, except that I would have been further along and had to give birth, however- what happened instead is that I went into labor in Mexico. It took a day of figuring out I was having contractions, and then the spotting happened (we didn't have kids then so I had no clue). Into the Mexican hospital we went, for 4 days of trying to keep me pregnant.
It didn't work.
The water broke, what little water there is for a 14 week baby. I'll never forget how terrified I was- I had no idea what to expect...if the baby would just slip out and I'd see it, or what.
I was rushed into an emergency d&c, obviously. I remember falling asleep and asking if it would be over soon, and the dr said "yes, soon."
When he woke me up from the sleepy meds, there was a very, very precious moment- a very clean, pure, innocent moment when I did not remember at all what had gone on. I looked over at Cullen, and there were tears streaming down his face, and one hundred million pounds of sadness hit me as I remembered that we just lost another baby, my 14 week baby that I'd just seen on the ultrasound a couple of hours ago.

I've had a few d&c's for my recurring polyps since that time. You'd think that would have freaked me out, since the pregnancy required a d&c. But when I woke up from those, I was okay- I had polyps and I was "clean" when I woke up. I'm much more sensitive about my uterus and cervix. I am very afraid of being unaware when I wake up and then remember that my uterus/cervix is gone and that I'm very different physically...this loss is bigger than the loss of polyps. What a stupid thing to worry about, but I'm scared I'll relive, to some extent, the sorrow that hit me in Mexico.

Silly!!! Silly, silly girl with such emotions. But thank you for letting me get it out.


Nicki
TVH 8/17/09
33yrs

recurring polyps
abnormal bleeding
dys...the word for painful sex.

I am sorry for all that you have gone through. Sending s and prayers for peace and healing following your surgery.