Cancer related tribute party? Need opinions

I'm posting this in the CC board because I'm thinking maybe my own experience is clouding my judgement and I need to hear from others who have walked this road.

My friend recently learned her father's cancer has advanced and they are giving him just 3 months. He's been battling this for quite some time now, but that doesn't make this any easier for her. She currently lives out-of-state and is coming in sometime this week to be with him. I do not know how long she plans to be in town.

A mutual friend of ours sent out an invite over FB that she's having a "tribute party" in our friend's father's honor. I think the idea is a wonderful idea. This man was a big part of our lives, and often acted more like a friend than a father to all of us. I still laugh at some of his antics over the years LOL

However, I think the way she's going about it is wrong and 1. I don't know if I should mention that to her. 2. I'm not sure I want to go but feel I "should" regardless. The tribute is a "surprise" for our friend. I guess that's my biggest issue here. I can't quite explain why it botheres me other than I think its just in bad taste. I understand the mutual friends intent to show our friend how much we love her and her dad and that we're all there to support her through this...but, does that come off wrong somehow or I'm I just being goofy about it?

I want to mention this to our mutual friend that a surprise party might not be the way to go considering the circumstances. I was told by a family member to keep my mouth shut because I'm not the one planning it. But I know emotions run high in these situations and I don't want our friend being thrown into thoughts of "my dad is dieing and you guys want to party?!" I just think it would be better to mention it to our friend first. She might not want to be around a bunch of people. She might not want to be away from her dad yet. Its kinds like throwing her into the middle of something she may not be prepared for.

Then there's my own issues. Very few of my friends know I hhd cancer. Actually only 2 of them that will be there know anything about it. The rest I had lost touch with years prior to my dx and only recently got back in contact with. I'm concerned that the night will be full of cancer stories and I'm not really ready to hear that. At the same time I want to let my friend know that I'm here for her and whatever she needs. I'm afraid if I'm not there it will send off the wrong message.

What would you ladies do? This is all planned for Saturday night and she's waiting on people to confirm that they'll be there.

I'm with you on not wanting to hear cancer stories because it seems everybody thinks they need to call and tell me when somebody they know has died of cancer. Not exactly instilling me with hope. Why do people do that? I tell them, ONLY SURVIVOR STORIES PLEASE.

But I do understand your feelings. And although this is a good idea, the surprise part maybe isn't such a great idea. I honestly don't know how I'd handle that, I guess it would depend on how close I was to the person throwing the party. I probably would go though while I had the chance to see this person, so there wouldn' be any regrets later on. I have to say, when I saw the title with Tribute in it, I was hoping it was a party for a person who beat and survived the disease. I'm sorry this has happened.

Wow, I would have a difficult time dealing with this situation, too. I certainly understand your desire to be at the party for your friend. But, if it becomes too uncomfortable for you, there is no reason why you should remain. You can always explain an early departure privately to your friend later.

Have you talked to your mutual friend who is planning the party about your feelings, especially your concerns about the "surprise" aspect of the party? I think that it is where I would go with such concerns. Either face to face or over the phone, as e-mails are sometimes misinterpreted. Perhaps invite her for a cup of coffee, as face to face would be my first preference since body language is lost over the phone. I would probably begin the conversation by talking about what a wonderful thing she is doing in having the party, etc., and then try to segue into your concerns.

As far as the "tribute" label, I guess I would try to let that concern go. Your friend's heart is in the right place, although I would not be comfortable with that designation if I were the guest of honor.

Today we are going to a "Life Is Good" party for a couple to celebrate several milestones in their life - a wedding anniverary, employment anniversaries and retirement. The husband is now battling cancer, and his wife had second thoughts about having the party, but he insisted they go ahead. I am looking forward to going, although I anticipate a lot of cancer conversation and like you, will be in a setting where many people do not know of my surgery last year. But, like you, I will be going to support our friends and will keep that purpose uppermost in my head.

Good luck - this is a tough one. Please let us know what happens.

THanks ladies, I was beginning to think I was crazy for feeling the way I do. My mom's response was tell them I'd be there then the night before tell them I came down with a cold. But I don't want to lie about my reason for not being there either.

I'm not close with this mutual friend any more. We were good friends in high school and our early 20"s, then lost touch until a couple months ago. Even now our convos are very brief and basic. I did ask her if our friend would know ahead of time (even though she already mentioned this was *hush hush*). I also asked what day our friend is coming in to town. I'm hoping this will make her think that this "party" might be too soon for our friend. I haven't gotten a reply yet.

Hi Vega - First of all, I'm so sorry you're losing a friend. He must be a special man to have become friends with his daughter's friends. I hope he slips away peacefully and experiences no pain.

My first response when I read the word "surprise" in your post was to say "Oh no" to myself. I don't know if that was a reaction to my own aversion to being surprised like that or that I thought it was not in good taste. I think the latter or perhaps both.

I'm not sure what I would do. I'd perhaps arrive late, so I could show support but not participate in the surprise part of it. I'd later ask the friend how she took that part of it and express how uncomfortable I was with the idea.

Good luck with your decision. Pat

Personally, I would feel very uncomfortable with a surprise party for someone who is battling terminal cancer.
I remember when a good friend and neighbor of mine was dealing with terminal lung cancer. As much as we (my friends and I) wanted to spend time with her towards the end, we always talked to her husband first to see if she felt like having company that day or not.
There were many times she just wanted to be left alone and spend time with her husband. We respected that and wouldn't pursue seeing her during those times.
I think I'd come clean ( in a gentle way) with my feelings to the friend who's giving the party. The daughter whose father has cancer would be the one who has the most insight into her father's feelings.
If your friend goes ahead with the party as planned anyway, I'd probably go but leave early as the others have suggested.
This is such a difficult situation.

Vega -

Not sure how comfortable I am with the surprise part of things but on the "tribute" side. So often people don't know how much they mean to us until they have already died and it is too late. The actress who was married to John Ritter said one thing that made his untimely death easier was because he never went a day without letting her know how much he loved her.

If your friends father was a big influence in your lives what a wonderful way to be able to say "we love you, you helped us a lot, we will always remember you and hold you in our hearts". From that perspective I think it's a good thing.....not an easy thing....but a a good thing.

You may want to talk to the party sponsor and ask about it, even if you've lost touch with them over the years I've found that if they were really good friends when we reconnect we still have that spark and ability to talk.

Although as mentioned earlier the "surprise" might be a bit much it might be healing for your friend who's father is passing to hear and know what an impact he had and how people remember him. Those memories may very well help later after his passing.

Life is fleeting and I try never to pass up an opportunity to tell people how much they have meant to me. It helps me be grateful for my life and them to realize that they are of value to someone.

Ahh well just my 2 cents and I may be way off base.

PS. I think you are a strong young woman, who has faced your challenges with grace and you have been a great support and role model for women here. May you continue to find healing in your journey.



G.

hi vega...i hate surprises too...my 21st surprise party was a disaster. is there any possibility that the daughter may have seen the invites on facebook, so already knows? in any case, i agree with the others, the daughter should be forewarned or at least someone close to the guest of honour, to make sure he's up to it. having said that, some people love surprises and parties.

i don't know what i'd do in your situation. it might be awkward to speak to the hostess, then she goes ahead anyways. what about mentioning it to the daughter? seriously i don't know but in any case, your concern is absolutely valid and i would feel the same way.

Thank you ladies. The party isn't for the father, its for the daughter in honor of her dad. I believe her dad is already too sick to attend. Last I spoke to her (a couple weeks ago) he was having issues with tubes and breathing. I do not know if he's been admitted into the hospital or sent home at this point.

As it stands the hostess sent our friend a message to come to a house on Sat for just a couple hours. The daughter reponded that there's been further bad news and she doesn't think she'll want to leave his side. The hostess then told me she thinks she'll have to tell the daughter about the event. I'm hoping she'll see it on our friends pages though.

I believe the hostess does have great intentions. She wants to have our friend see the support system she has. She's hoping to video tape our messages for the dad so he can see them. But I think its a little unrealistic to expect the friend to attend this on her 2nd night in town. I wouldn't want to leave my dad either.

I may take the option of arriving late and leaving early. That was something I hadn't considered. Thank you.

P.S. you ladies always help me feel so normal in these "weird" thoughts I have. I honestly started to think that I was creating a problem where there wasn't one. Its good to know I'm not the only one who though "oh no" at the idea. :-)

Just wanted to update all of you. I ended up getting a hold of my friend (the daughter). She said that she'll be coming in to town for a week. They don't expect her dad to make it through the month. She said that he loves having visitors and sometimes it gives him a little boost. She asked if I'd be willing to visit. I'm going to go out to see him while she's here. Because of that I'm going to skip the "party". I feel much more at peace with the situation now. She mentioned going out for a couple drinks and I told her that was completely up to her. That I understand she may not want to leave him, but at the same time just sitting there can be twice as hard.

Thanks for listening sisters.