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Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad? Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

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  #1  
Unread 01-09-2010, 06:26 PM
Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

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I am in a rut and can't get out of it. I hate my body for trying to kill me, I hate the it looks now, with scars criss, crossing my front, and more to come. I should be happy they caught the cancer early, and I don't need any other treatment, but I just feel so down.

We wanted more children, but there will be no more, thanks to cancer. I am tired all the time, and even normal chores just take all the energy out of me.

My husband is complaining, that I should be better by now,but I am not.

I see a psychiatrist and on cocktail of tablets to try and reduce the Neuropathic pain which the Mastectomy caused, and also severe depression.

I would like to feel like a hero, for going through all of this, but instead I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed my kids, my family and God. I am loosing faith, I wouldn't get up in the morning if it weren't for the kids, and in the evening I go to bed with them, because I just don't wanna be here.

I feel like all the problems are so small and trivial, I stopped watching TV cause I find it really pitiful.

I hate what happened in my life, I hate my divorce, I hate mums cancer and I hate my aunties cancer and also mine.

Sorry for the vent......I just needed to get it out, or I go crazy.
  #2  
Unread 01-09-2010, 07:05 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

ellie -

You have been through a lot and it sounds like it isn't letting up so no wonder you are down.

Full physical recovery from surgery can take a year. Don't let anyone rush you. Much less if you have chronic pain.

The emotional pain and trauma that you've suffered can also take a long time to recover from. My therapist said at least a year.

You are a hero

You've gone through all this and you are still getting up for your kids, you are still thinking long-term.

The challenge is to give yourself time. Maybe your Dr. can talk to your DH about how long it can take to recovery from all of this.

Sending and prayers for you.

G.
  #3  
Unread 01-09-2010, 07:20 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

Thank you for your reply-yeah, I think I might schedule my next Psychiatrist appt for thursday (his day off) and tell him to come along, have acouples sesion....
  #4  
Unread 01-09-2010, 07:26 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

I don't have any words of wisdom. I'm sorry you had had to deal with cancer in yourself and your family. I just wanted to let you know I will keep you in my prayers and my heart goes out to you.
  #5  
Unread 01-09-2010, 07:28 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

Thank you, you are very kind.
  #6  
Unread 01-09-2010, 08:06 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

Ellie, You have been through alot. You have suffered a loss and it is only natural for you to grieve. You do not need permission to do this. I know that hysterectomy alone is emotionaly and physically trying. You are a wise woman to seek out the help that you need.

Take care of yourself. That is how eventually, you will be able to take care of others. For now, it is your turn/time.
  #7  
Unread 01-09-2010, 10:23 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

Ellie, I absolutely understand how you feel. I am right there with you. Last year I had a radical hysterectomy for cervical cancer and now I just had a bilateral masectomy for breast cancer. I have a scar and a weird flap over my hysterectomy incision, and my former breast area is just mangled. My left arm where they took lymph nodes is swollen - either with the blood clot in it or with lymphedema or both. And to top off that lovely picture my long, naturally blonde hair is GONE because I'm on chemo. OMG, it is hideous. My husband, too, is less than sensitive as well. Let me know how the pills work out for you. Despite all, I want to live and be here for my kids. I totally understand about the loss of interest in things that used to be fun, like TV. It takes a long time to recover from a hysterectomy, definitely longer than a masectomy. Give yourself time to rest, you really are that tired physically.
  #8  
Unread 01-10-2010, 01:28 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

Thank you everyone for such thoughtful answers.I know all the theory...but in practice, you know how it is we push ourselves, and expect more of ourselves than we should. I still have one major surgery to go at the end of Feb, basically my reconstruction has gone all wrong and they have to remove the ex panders and just do a normal mastectomy......so bye,bye boobs all together.So I am still anxious what surprises this surgery will bring, hope I won't come out worse off.

But thank you so much.
  #9  
Unread 01-10-2010, 04:21 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

Ellie, Don't let it go. Get a 2nd, 3rd opinion for reconstruction. Maybe another plastic surgeon that will work with yours. Good luck!
  #10  
Unread 01-10-2010, 04:39 PM
Re: Why does my heart feel so sad?Why does my soul feel so bad?

I am letting it go because I just want it to be all finished, so the family can function normally again. It would be nice to have the reconstruction, but already 2 docs sayd it would take few surgries and a tram flap from my right side, and I don't wanna jepordise my abilities as a mum. I can function great without boobs, but if something went wring and the arm than would not be usable, that I am not ready to risk.
Just a shame that it didn't work.
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