Guilt, shame, anger, and sadness...

These are just a few of the emotions I've been dealing with lately. I'm hoping someone else can relate. After years of dealing with LEEPs, colposcopies/biopsies, cold-knife-conization, my doctor has recommended me to get a TLH since my cervical dysplasia will not go away and now it's made it's way up to my endocervical canal and possibly the uterus. All I can think about is how I wish I would've done things different when I was younger. I feel so ashamed and guilty that I had more than one sex partner and somewhere down the line got HPV. None of this would have happened and I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. However, in my head, I feel like I deserve everything I'm getting and this is my punishment. Is it normal to feel this way?

My husband and I were never really dead set on having kids anyway, so it doesn't really bother him that much, but I feel like because of my previous actions, I'm keeping him from being a father. I'm hoping this is just part of the emotional rollercoaster of everything. I just don't know how to get past the guilt and shame and learn to accept everything.

Can anyone relate?

Honey, you cannot change the past. You need to concentrate on you now. The you in the now that needs to prepare for this and to heal. And not just your body, but your spirit and mind. Give yourself permission to grieve, and then forgive yourself.

Take care of you. Ok?

Hugs and light.

Hi there. Yes, I can relate. I was very promiscuous in my younger years and I have paid for it physically. I believe that the part of your body you abuse the most is the part that will manifest illness later on.

However, I have learned not to regret the past. The bad choices we made do affect us today but so do the good ones. Everything that has happened in your life so far got you to where you are. So, think of the good things you have done.

You aren't a bad person for having done anything and you certainly didn't do this to yourself on purpose. Going through this surgery is going to be challenging enough without the added guilt. And the guilt won't help anything so please try to let it go. Just love and accept yourself exactly where you are right now.

I wish you the best for your surgery and recovery!

HONEY YOU ARE NOT BEING PUNISHED FOR ANYTHING!
There are many reasons your body is as it is - and non of them have anything to do with punishment. it will really help the healing process to love all of you - includig your past (which there is nothing wronge with !!) - and look foward to your future as a whole and healthy person.
surround yourself with possitivity and love.
Hold in there,

Hugs,

Hi lucylily - I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, it really sounds like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

I completely, absoloutely agree with what the other ladies have posted. It is so important to focus on the things that you CAN effect, which is the present and the future, not the past. At the same time, I think it is unfortunately normal to feel how you are feeling. We can be SO hard on ourselves.

It sounds like you have support in your home with your husband and that is an important part of building a positive outlook for moving foward.

I know that everyone has their own perspective on this, but if you come to a point that you decide you both really want children in your lives, I so believe that there are many ways to make that happen.

I wish I could find the words to bring you comfort and help you be kinder to yourself. It is so important to find a way to love yourself and be kind to yourself, and help yourself get through this process as healthy as you can.

My best friend has an expression..."grieve hard....and then move on". In other words, don't deny what you're feeling....let yourself feel all of it, and cry it right out of your system if you can or need to. And then reclaim the life that you have and make it as great for you and your husband as you can. Let go of that awful weight you are packing around.

Oh, sweetie

Many of us with HPV (yes, including me) have dealt with these same feelings of regret and shame. Everyone makes mistakes, and when those mistakes catch up with us later on, it's so easy to be hard on ourselves. At the same time, though, 80% of the population is estimated to have HPV. Even women who have had only one sexual partner can be HPV positive. So while the shame might be normal, it isn't necessary.

There is nothing you've done to deserve what you're facing right now. No matter what we have done in the past, we are here now, living in the present and preparing for the future.

Here's what helped me while I was waiting on the results of a biopsy of vaginal tissue: Instead of thinking about my past as a series of mistakes, I focused on all the things I had learned about myself as a result of the past. I had become more loving, understanding, strong, tolerant, grateful, nurturing--all qualities which I now see as the best aspects of who I am. My mistakes had made me into the woman I am, for better and for worse. And those were the same qualities which would get me through my life with HPV.

I'm sending you some great big right now. Focus on the good things that you have learned about yourself as a human being, and don't let the past hold you back from moving forward.

life is what it is and you will get through this. DO NOT blame yourself. You are a beautiful person who will come out of this and thrive. I understand, I have had 7 surgries and Friday I go in for everything to be removed. I am proud of who I am even the bad things I have done They make me the beautiful person I am today!
xoxo

Wow, what a great support system here! I'm in tears reading these replies, and am so grateful to have found such a positive community. Thank you for your replies, it's helping me open my eyes and look at things in a different perspective. I guess this is just part of the natural "grieving" process and I should just let myself feel what I feel and move on.

I agree with what Fire & Fritzi64 said. I too had HPV and kept having dysplasia. Had my cervix removed when I had my TAH. I too have felt shame etc. Its true that a lot of women have HPV, so there are a lot of us out there. The past is the past, forgive yourself and move on.

I got my surgery scheduled last week, and am still on the emotional rollercoaster and can't figure out how to get off.

Another hard thing I'm dealing with and I guess alot of you have as well is what to tell people when they ask why you're having to have a hysterectomy. I feel like most people will be judgemental and if they hear that I have a pre-cancerous condition of the cervix they automatically think that I've slept around my whole life which isn't true, but in my head I feel like I'm going to constantly be judged and looked down upon just because of the stigma that having HPV holds. When I have to take off of work for my TLH in a couple of months, I wonder what my coworkers and clients are going to think and how much information should I share. I really don't like talking about it, but I know people are going to be asking and I'm not sure how to answer. Any advice is greatly appreciated!