I think I'm having a break down.

I am seriously ready to divorce my husband and I don't know if it's just me or what.

I went to the gym yesterday to walk the indoor track. The gym has been part of my routine. It gives me somewhere to go and I thought it would make me feel more normal. I had to nap for a couple of hours to recuperate from this.

Today, I've done nothing all day because I keep getting pains and I've been spotting a bit more. I didn't take my walk because I've walked 3 miles in the last 2 days and I feel really tired and achey today.

I offered to help a friend with her Math homework but I couldn't make sense of some of it (lol I'm a teacher), my daughter is crying because she didn't make a 159 on her LSAT. She made 154 but it's not enough for the full scholarship she was looking to get. So I'm doing Math and my daughter is bawling her eyes out. My husband asks me if I want to go to the Casino so I say no. Then he says, "Ok well I'm going to Brad's" and I flipped out.

I screamed he needs to get his stuff and move out. I said things are falling apart here and he is always leaving. (Which is true. He went to his friend's house the night before my surgery). He's been doing this more and more lately (especially on weekend nights). He doesn't invite me to come (not that I'd want to). He just leaves me alone all the time. If I felt like doing stuff, I would but I don't. So because I flipped out, he's in there sitting on the couch when I just want him to go.

I'm now bawling my eyes out and don't know what to do. I hate this feeling so much. Is anyone else having these emotional roller coaster moments. I'm sure 3 weeks post op probably isn't the best time to file for divorce because I think my hormones are messed up. But, oh my gosh this man is driving me insane.

Wow....so sorry you are having such a time! I am amazed that you walked so much! I could not have done that at 3 weeks! All I could do was walk to the end of my driveway and get the paper and walk back! Maybe you are doing too much right now.?Some men just don't know how to handle things like this, so maybe he is just feeling all scared and unsure himself. You're hormones might be adjusting but you just went through major surgery and that can play havoc not only on your body but your emotional state. Men seem to need more positive warm fuzzies (even for things they do that we women think they should be doing) so maybe if you just 'plain' to him, you are going through post op recovery, can be a little nutty but let him know how much you appreciate his help , he will feel more needed. Good luck ....and please lay down and rest! I am worried you are doing too much -too early.

Hi Kward,

I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this but unfortunately it happens quite often with family, friend and co-workers. The fact of the matter is you will probably loose it from time to time and don't beat yourself up about it.

Your husband should be there for you but he probably doesn't understand; being that he's a man. Actually most women don't understand because you have to experience something like this to understand or truely empathize.

Recovery is different for everybody and you have good days and bad days; even weeks. You take two steps forward and one step backwards. As long as you keep going forward.

I wish you the best and this site is a good place to get support from your sisters who truly understand from their own experience. Take care of yourself first, be selfish right now.

Thanks ladies. I'm not sure if this is my hormones or just frustration with my body and the fact that it's not allowing me to do the stuff I want to do. I'd love to go out with my husband and have fun. I want to be able to attend Zumba class and water aerobics and to go running. Fact is, I'm not really needing his help any more. I'm spending most of my time in my room either reading, watching tv, sleeping, or getting on here. I want to be doing other things but everything wears me out it seems. I think I was just having a bad day. My daughter was crying and I didn't know how to help her. My friend needed help with math and I just couldn't help her. Hubby picked the wrong time to tell me he was deserting me. He wound up staying but we didn't allow ourselves to be in the same room together for the rest of the night. If I walked in a room, he left.

dear kward, you were brave to post this very real moment, and seek support. recovery is tough. how can we expect our loved ones to really get it -- what we're going through -- when each day brings something different and we don't even fully know ourselves? this is not a good time to be thinking your man has to go -- if possible, put off decisions about the future and state of your marriage for several months, giving yourself time to heal and adjust and have a better grasp on yourself. like already mentioned, good and bad days are a part of this ride, and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself or your dh right now. meanwhile, it does sound like you both need to keep the lines of communication open somehow, so dh can hear it straight from you how hard it is to be wanting something but feeling too low on energy to do it. if you ask, or try to explore, he may also have some feelings about your surgery and recovery that you are not aware of -- and you might learn what it is that keeps him from being more available. it will take an open mind, from both of you -- not easy.

getting him away from you right now may appear desireable in the midst of emotional crisis, but i doubt if you want to look back on your surgery as the time your marriage fell apart. when things seem to be spiraling out of emotional control, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are going through a season of healing. give yourself an easy out -- get alone, or journal through it, get some rest, get off your feet, whatever it takes. then remember to seek forgiveness and offer forgiveness, and try to talk about it later when the energy has come down. you may find that ultimately, this experience can draw you and dh closer, even to a new level of intimacy in your marriage, if you will only work together through the haze of recovery to find ways to communicate and understand each other.

i hope you feel better soon, physically, and better-rested, keep hopeful -- the next couple weeks may bring even more mobility (but with less pain), and that will surely help. i hope you and dh find a way to get past this blow-up, and feel like you're on the same team again. hang in there kward!!

I wrote him a note this morning to tell him how I feel. LOL so middle school right? Anyway, we talked about how we need to use this time (our kids are grown now) to find things to do together. I don't want to keep him from his friends. I just want to be part of his life too. I think we're going to try to reconnect to the way we were before the kids. This morning we're going to go to the casino for a little bit. I don't want to spend much money but I need a little fun right now. Basically, I've only been leaving the house to go to the doctor or do shopping and that's just not fun. This has been a problem in our marriage for awhile now. We've grown distant due to my lack of sex drive and the pain I've felt with sex. I think we both need to work on our communication and come back together. Hopefully with this surgery, we can rediscover intimacy and sex again. I hope we can work through our issues because at the end of the day, I dearly love this man and I don't want to be without him.

good for you, kward. forget the "middle school" label -- writing a note is something you probably would have done just to make him feel special when you first met, right?! and over the years, we let those little things go -- it's good to incorporate them back into our marriages, to give some meaning to sharing our lives with someone we love. so, good for you taking a risk and writing. (i think it's always the woman taking initiative -- oh well, we're strong enough for that, and we do what we have to do, haha!) you're right, at the end of the day, like you wrote, you love him and do not want to grow old alone and apart from him.

i recently lost a dear friend to ovarian cancer. sadly, by the time she realized she was ill, she was stage IV. she had a very rough year, according to her husband, and was physically not well during much of that time. i think she and her dh were married more than 40 years -- i only knew them the past 15 years. it was interesting to hear her dh tell me, just this past week, that it was her suffering that brought them closer together, to a depth they had never experienced before in their marriage. he said it was precious. so often we see our suffering as something that has to be overcome, and put in the past in order to get on with our most important relationships and activities. but there may be an aspect to what you are going through that could actually benefit your marriage and intimacy (i don't just mean sexual) with your man. this takes a lot of openmindedness, to see our suffering as good for us. ultimately, it reveals and refines our character, and the character of the ones closest to us who are willing to walk with us through the unknown.

i hope you and dh have some fun together today. be wise about what your body can do, but try to enjoy the moment, while never giving up hope about the days ahead and your path to wellness. thanks for sharing how it's going. wishing you the best, kward!! hang in there!