I need advice and don't know where else to turn.

I am a Hystersister. Haven't been on this board in a while. You all helped me so much with my recovery, I thought why not.

I have spent most of the morning going through my address book trying to find someone to talk to and then it occured to me that I could look for advice her.

My best friend is recently seperated from her husband. They have been married for 8 years and have a 5 year old son. She had no where to go, so they moved in with me.

We have been best friend for over 15 years since our junior year in high school. I have been married for 12 years and have 2 children 8 & 11. Just trying to give you some background before I start.

She works as contractor for a branch of the military and is exposed to men all the time as part of her job. Around the time that she started telling me about problems with her marriage she also started a friendship with one of the guys.

Her and I are the same in that we have always gotten along better with men than women. I thought nothing of the friednship at first. When she introduced me to him I knew it was going to be a bad situation.

He is at least 16 years older and is married. I don't trust him, and neither does anyone in my family. Why does this matter? Because she is inviting him to stay at my house. My husband and I have confronted her about this and let her know our concerns, but it doesn't seem to matter to either of them. It's like our home is now a hotel... The No-Tell Motel.

I suffer from anxiety and am at my wit's end over this. She has no where else to go, and I love her and her son deeply, but how can I allow her to put my familly in anymore danger than we already signed up for?

I didn't tell you that her husband had threatened to kill her and that's why I made her leave. We knew that there was a slim possibliity of him going nuts, but now we have this other goofall to worry about too.

I know that many of you are going to say that age doesn't matter. I personlly know of many couples who have a decade or 2 between them and are perfectly happy. Age is only a small piece of the pie. He has lied to me or her about his age, so we don't know how old he is. He has not filed for separation from his wife yet and has no intention of doing so. She constanly tells me of what a great father he is... which is total bunk. He lives 3 states away, if he was such a great father then why doesn't he go visit his kids instead of screwing his girlfriend.. IN MY HOUSE!?!?!?!

I have tried to bring this up with her many times and she just changes the subject. My husband is beyond bent and I am afraid that if I don't get this off my chest I will end up loosing the best girl friend I have ever had. (My husband is the best friend I have ever had.)

I feel like I am running at the mouth (or keyboard) so I will just post this for now and take a break...

Please help, all comments and advice will help me, I don't know what to do. This is affecting my entire family.

Its your house, your rules. No men friends, or move out. Friends don't take advantage of friends. I'd say no men friends, him or anyone else. What does it say to show such a lack of respect for you? I think if someone stays with you there are rules, follow them or leave. Personally I don't have much tolerance for being taken advantage of, so I would put a swift end to this. You may have a lot invested in the friendship, but boundaries are in order here. Don't let guilt enter in----she can choOse to follow the rules. IMO its best to make a stand on this and get it over with before things get worse. Just IMO. Good luck, be strong.

I agree with everything greyown said.
By letting her stay with you and your family, you are already at risk for having a classic domestic-violence showdown on your doorstep or in your living room. By having her "boyfriend" stay there, you are definitely increasing the risk of that happening. He has absolutely no business there, period. For her to put you in this position is really intruding upon the boundaries of what sounds like has been a very valuable and long-standing friendship. When it comes right down to it, you need to put your family FIRST and your husband's wishes FIRST or you could very well regret it deeply later. You are really putting your husband's safety at risk because, when her estranged husband comes to your doorstep, he might have to be in the middle.
If you handle this yourself, tell your husband and your friend that you are doing it for the safety and well-being of your family (telling her she can no longer stay there). You could tell her that only her "boyfriend" has to leave but that would really not solve your problem. You can refer her to a women's shelter where she could also get some other referrals for legal aid/restraining orders/whatever she needs.
Her judgment at this point and time is flawed and you can expect that she will get angry or hurt over your decision, should you choose to take the stand that she/boyfriend cannot stay at your house. But, if your friendship is as strong as you say, she will forgive you and she will actually UNDERSTAND (eventually) why you had to take a stand. You can use words like "tough love" and "boundaries" and "risk to my family" when you tell her. You could also hand her a note or have your husband tell her if you aren't up to it. You don't have to quit speaking to her, by any means, during her time of crisis but it sounds like she is having more of a fling than a crisis at your house right now. You deserve better. Good luck to you and your family!

Just a thought, but how about getting social services involved? I'm just asking because if her hubby is making threats and this other guy (the goofball) is weirding you out, you need to take a stand somehow. There are places that could help her out. Here, in ND, we have a place called 3 Rivers Crisis Center, and they help people in that situation. I've called them before about things occurring in my home, and they really helped. If she is truly your friend, she will understand, and if she doesn't, sorry for her. Sometimes it takes a bad situation to find out who really are your friends. I'd be honest with her, and let her know that you're concerned about her and her life, but if it's making things tough on you and your family, then you have to look out for you and yours. My family (both blood and water) have made me a tough person over the years, and I tell people that if you don't like the way things are in my house, then you can leave, ie the "rules" and the standards i have set for the "respect of the people in my house". If she is really your friend, she'll understand. All my thoughts and prayers!

(((Sara))) no one can take advantage of you without your permission. This woman is taking advantage of your hospitality big time and potentially endangering *your* children as well as hers. I don't mean to be harsh, but if you won't kick her to the curb for your own peace of mind, please do it for your children and do it now; otherwise, in addition to the obvious physical danger you're all in if this woman's ex-husband should show up on your doorstep, there is also the chance that you could be accused of endangering your own children by allowing this situation, should they happen to innocently say something at school about it.

Schools are bound by law in most areas to call Child Protective Services (or whatever it's called in your community) if anything suspicious is even hinted at, and you don't want them showing up at your doorstep or interviewing your kids at school. I'm sure you and your DH are wonderful parents, but you must provide a safe and proper environment for your kids to grow up in, and this situation sounds like it has the potential to turn dangerous. Just a bit of friendly advice from someone who has been through that and survived it.

If this woman is working, she is not without ability to find herself a place to live where she can indulge in all the questionable behaviors she wants to - just not in front of your kids. I know you are sad at the prospect of possibly losing a great friend, but I have to say this: this woman is not the friend you think she is if she is putting her own desires ahead of your friendship with her. It is she who is endangering the friendship already, not you by asking her to leave.

s,
-Linda

Friendship only goes so far... No men staying or out. That needs to be the rule no exceptions. And you need to tell her today and stop this in it's tracks. Your own family is more important than any friendship.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

I wanted to update you all and thank you for words of encouragement and advice.

My DH and I had "the talk" last weekend and it went ok. She says she understands our concerns and won't be bringing the goofball around anymore. She told him most of what was said and of course he turned it around that we weren't really her friends, you know because he has known her sooooo much longer and all. (insert eye roll)

The thing that threw me for a loop for a while was that she was mad at me for not telling her sooner. I guess I sort of see her point, but ****, I can't win for loosing here. She was mad and wouldn't talk to me for 4 days.

I finally said, " get over it already. I wanted to protect your feelings which is why I didn't say anything in the begining and in the end I am the one being screwed. I am a good person and a great friend and if you can't see that then it's your loss."

I think she is looking for other living arrangements now, she has 22 year friend that just broke up with her boyfriend, that should be sweet. a 22 year old drunk living with a 32 year old and her 5 year old son with the 48 year old boy friend swinging by everyother weeekend. Sounds like a bad pilot show for fall programing... wasn't Charlie Sheen in that one?

You are doing her a favor by letter her stay with you. I don't think she should ask you to have her "boyfriend" there with her. Your house, your rules. I think she will understand, if not now she will later.

We are all here to be tested,and each time we grow stronger from it ,if she turns on you ,she was never the friend you thought she was ,and your better off finding out know ,then years to come ,and you have not lost ,you have won,xx

I'm glad to hear that you had the talk, but also remember to stick to your guns! As one pointed out, you have YOUR children to look out for. A lot of times the "friend" plays the role of "the victim". I have in-laws like that, and it took me a while to realize that she was vicitmizing me and my children. I finally got wise about it when I was about to leave my husband. We had a talk one day, and we realized that she was playin all of us like a fiddle (and being harsh to our children in the mean time). I was the one to put my foot down and boot her out...place to go or not...OUT!!! Sounds mean, yes, however at that time, it was best for all, especially my children! Yes, my oldest was questioned at school, and I was contacted by the school and social services through the school. It was wasn't fun and it definitly wasn't acceptable! For her to do the things she was doing, and it to affect my children to that point!?!?! She's been gone now for 2 years, and we're MUCH better without her. I thought it would be good to have her as a friend, since I don't have many where we live....I was so wrong! She's off on her own, doing her own stupid things...and more power to us!!! And, if you're like me, I took her in being a good christian...I saught counsel just to make sure that I wouldn't be in the wrong to kick her out, and I quickly found that I'd be more in the wrong to let her stay...All my prayers to you during this time, and if you find you no longer has her as a friend...CALL ME!!! LOL I'm more loyal than a puppy!!! LOL