It's hard to admit this, but I have to get it out

Dear ladies,

I haven't been completely honest with you and I feel awful about it. I know we talk about everything together, from elation about bowels moving to experiencing sex after our surgeries. Yes, it can be pretty embarrassing but it's a comfort to know there's someone out there going through the same things. I have watched and posted, sent hugs and received them in kind. But I held back one of my biggest hurts for many reasons. I am a woman among women here and yet I feel alone because of this secret I have kept. I can talk about it in person fairly easily but I guess writing it down for you to see, especially knowing how vunerable we all are after our surgery, makes it seem so much more real and hard to deal with.

I had an abortion. Four years ago.
Two years after that is when I lost my right ovary.
Now, no ovaries or uterus.

I know there are women here that would wonder why I chose that option, women who would give anything to have their own child, the chance at least. All I can say is while the decision has been made, there is no going back, I can't truly say I have no regrets and I can't say I have any regrets. It's just there. That fact is just a fact. It won't go away, it won't change.

The decision wasn't mine alone. My DH at the time and I had just started dating. We were working horrible jobs with no real money. We were immature. But we made a grown up decision together. And he was there for me the whole time. Just the same as he was there for me for my other surgeries. Our trials have made us stronger as a couple and I feel that if things would have gone differently, they would simply be different. Not better or worse, but different. And there's no such thing as a time machine to find out otherwise.

I just try to take each day as it comes. It's all I can do.

I don't necessarily want to share my opinion on what I think is right or wrong. To each their own, I won't tread on others for what is personal to them. Just as I hope no one here will say callous things to me for our decision.

I just wanted to put this here in writing. I know other women are out there grieving over their losses. At least, as horrible as it may sound, I hope I'm not alone. I'm not asking you to post if you are uncomfortable. I've been a member here for years now, since my right ovary was taken, and I finally have the strength to post this. It is not without fear, I promise. When consoling others here, I wanted to share my loss to let them know they are not alone, but I know that a true loss is different from a chosen loss.

I feel many things. I feel empty and alone. Yes DH has been there, but does he really feel like I do? Can he understand what it's like to lose and lose and lose? I think so, but sometime I don't need a rock. I need him to feel something with me. I feel depressed and almost worthless. I feel ashamed and bitter. I struggle with my hysterectomy because I feel that maybe I'm being punished. Whether the punishment comes from God or from science, I don't know. My MIL has been wonderful however. She believes that if someone is meant to be in your life, it will come to pass. Perhaps it was my destiny to adopt rather than carry. There is no scientific reason why teratoma/dermoid cysts happen. It could be anything from water I drink to the birth control I took. No one knows.

And I know if I spend the rest of my life trying to figure it out, I will be miserable.

So I go on. I take each day as it comes, giving myself the ability to feel what needs to be felt at the moment. As of late however, I am feeling more and more down. I know there is a lot of outside static to deal with. I was out of the game for 6 weeks and stress feels much more magnified. There's a lot of personal relationship issues floating about and I've always tried to be caretaker of those I love.

I have gotten off track though.

I just wanted to let others know they are not alone. If you've had an abortion then a hysterectomy, you are not alone. I am with you, I am one of you. And if you need to talk, please do message me. You don't have to, but my door is open if you should need me.

Thank you ladies... sisters.

Nothing will ever, ever ease your pain. I also know that just because you made that decision, doesn't mean you are happy with it now. It's okay to hurt, it's normal to hurt. I can't make anything better. I have lost a baby, twice. While it's not the same thing, I can still try to be here for you. Thank you for sharing. It takes quite a woman to do what you have done, by sharing your experience. I pray for peace to come to you, and I hope in some way your experience can help others in the future. Hugs to you! You are still a wonderful person.

Like you said you can not change the past. The hurt and pain you are having now is real and the same as the rest of us. We all make decisions in life that we must live with. I hope that you continue to receive support that you need from others. I know this was a hard post for you to write.

well done for getting this off your chest! if you have felt this to be a secret, then I am sure that in time you will start to feel better now it is in the open.
the fact is that it is not any of our business what you have done or why, we are just all here to give and receive support when needed.
good luck, i am sure you will feel better soon

You are a strong person to be able to post such a personal decision. I hope this step begins the final healing process in your life. You are NOT being punished by anyone or anything. You are obviously a very strong woman and my thoughts and prayers go out to you to learn to live each day, one by one, just a little bit easier as time goes on. I believe the decisions that we make are our route to some grand destiny and we have to find out what that is. Unfortunately it just takes time. Good luck, and thank you for trusting in us with such a heavy heart.

You really are not alone. After mine, while very young, there were complications and I was unable to carry to term. Feeling punished was the same to me as being tortured every day of my life. I don't know if you truly heal from that, but I have to believe you do...slowly. I can't see it as punishment anymore, just something that taught me a lesson, and that's the point, isn't it? It taught me to stop living in the past, and be the good woman , friend, and wife that I am, now. The surgery was the final step in the process for me, and I am seeking help again to make it over this last of hurdles in the longest of lifes chapters. You are in my heart.

It takes a brave women to post what you did. As others have said it's no ones business why you made that decision. People have to make decisions that may change our lives during our lives but I'm sure these decisions also make us a stronger person.

I think there is a reason for everything that takes place in our are lives.

I'm still here for you.

Thanks for sharing and I just wanted to say that whatever any of us did before we were not punished by having a hysterectomy. We make decisions based on the info we have at that time and sometimes the situation changes later. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace

Different circumstances, different outcome, different problems, but I'll share that burden with you. I'm not ashamed of my abortion either, because of circumstance. Although I've never told anyone about it. But rest assured that this isn't a punishment from God or Science, but fate alone. We'll be okay

Your very brave in sharing your story, I commend you. I too had an abortion for many reasons. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everything will get better and as time passes so will the hurt.