Childless, no nieces/nephews - still sad & empty 2 yrs. later

Sunday marked 2 yrs since my hyst and the sadness and emptiness in my heart is still with me. I've been seeing a psych for almost a year, because it got to the point where I almost killed myself. it's really hard trying to verbalize my feelings because of years of internalizing my feelings through the years (reasons for another time and place). My dbf has been really good to me, but he is also dealing with his own health issues so I don't tell him everything I'm feeling to not make him worry.

I've always wanted children of my own and that's never going to happen. My dbf would be a wonderful dad because I've seen him interact with other people's kids. Now this will never happen. Surrogacy and adoption are costly and as we are on the older side, out of our reach. I'm not ready for the fostering option and I don't think I'm mentally capable of handling that yet. Unlike many of you, we don't have any nieces or nephews (bf only child, my older sis not married). Caregiving my Mom is also emotionally draining because I know she wanted grandkids and at the same time, I'll never have that Mother-Child bond with my own kids.

Anyone out there in the same boat? I haven't found anyone that had a hyst (or unable to have kids) who also doesn't have any nieces and nephews.

Thanks, everyone and we all need a

Not the same boat, but similar. I am 10 months post-op. I still cry whenever dh and I make love. During the holidays he was playing with our one adopted son (whom we adore) and 4 neices and nephews. He was having a blast with them. The whole family was laughing as they were playing. and I wondered 'can he really be ok with us never getting prego and having more babies?' I know he loves me and would never leave me, but he also wouldn't tell me how much he wants more kids because he wouldn't want to hurt me. Up until the moment I woke up after surg, I never gave up hope that something would happen that would prevent the hyster, like when i peed for the prego test the morning of surg, I thought ok this is it, this is going to be positive and the whole thing will be called off. But that didn't happen!!! I sadly miss my utero, I miss my ovaries and I cannot believe how much those organs define a woman's life!!!
I so wanted more children. I so wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth. I am sad always, and don't imagine that will ever change.

rjmichal, thanks for replying. I still miss having my periods, but not the gushing flows. That sadness of never being able to experience pregnancy and childbirth is the biggest regret of my life. People have told me that there was no guarantee that we can have children. My reply is that you won't know if you don't try. Yes, we never did "it" and now it's the biggest regret of my life.

This past weekend was very trying as two nights in a row it ended up that couples with infants sat at a table next to us. I nearly lost it when I could hear the babbling of an infant and almost couldn't finish my meal. Don't know if the bf noticed but I really wanted to get out of there so badly. Thank heavens we were spared tonight. I hate going out into the world and having to pretend that I'm okay. I'm not okay. The fact that our home will never be filled with children's laughter is downright depressing. I want to cry whenever I see parents our age with their kids. So sad.

Thanks for reading. I guess there really isn't anyone out there in the same situation as me. My medically childless friend said that the pregnancies of her SIL helped her get through her sadness & emptiness. I don't have anyone like that and feel so alone because there's no one I can relate to about this (childless, no nieces/nephews, caregiving parent).

Hi there!
I cannot have children either ( I found out when i was 18 that i had pcos) that it would be VERY hard to get pregnant (but not inpossible) but then when i finally got married in 2009 we wanted to start having a family and found out my tubes were blocked I have neices and 1 newphew HOWEVER i dont see them very often nor do i have much of bond with my sisters (well kinda with the one) I think this is because of the fact they can talk about their children and all that and really i dont have much of that in common with them! I guess i'm the odd one in the family. My Mother and I have a hot cold relationship due to me not having childre (even though its not my fault) I don't Miss my periods because they weren't regular and they were heavy! My heartachs alot about wishing i could have children and I do wish i could have but I cant have children for a few reason (even for adoption) I cant because 1) I have whats called bipolar 2) I dont have Millions of dollars 3) I wouldnt foster because i cannot imagen returning a child to a home where i know tis going back to abuse or neglect! I get out my grief by painting babydolls or sewing or photography or seeing a counlor who i can open up to (and its not easy) all the best
Dannielle!

	Quote:
Originally Posted by ci_gi Thanks for reading. I guess there really isn't anyone out there in the same situation as me. My medically childless friend said that the pregnancies of her SIL helped her get through her sadness & emptiness. I don't have anyone like that and feel so alone because there's no one I can relate to about this (childless, no nieces/nephews, caregiving parent).

ci-gi. I just found your post and I'm in the same situation as you. I have a brother and a sister and we are all childless so far. Obviously their is no hope for me and probably not my sister but maybe my brother eventually. I feel bad for my parents but they never complain about it. I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one.

Oh I really feel for you guys I am lucky I have 2 boys not what you want to hear but I have 11 years between them and for 6 of those years after being told I was infertile with PCOS and would never have further children I gave up on sex I gave up on me I hate my brother when my nieces were born and although i love them there is no bond well I thought to myself that it was taking over my life in the end and stopped it I was 29 at the time so decided to get my life in order bearing in mind the one son I did have needed life saving heart surgery at 7 weeks old. But after returning to work helping son get educational support at school I felt I no longer wanted that second child well my partner built us a home and we lived in a mobile home for 3 year well I got my spark back and 3 months before moving into new house I was pregnant I never enjoyed that pregnancy as I had 5 miss carriages plus first baby needing surgery. But it must be a horrid thing to face when your chances of having a
baby are taken away. I only lived with
that for 5 years but it was hell. I always
thought fostering was never a option as
I wouldn't want the children to go. I do
remember my dads aunty never having
children mainly by choice but cause of
her husband being in the war and
being a prisoner of war too she neverspoke about not having kids but
my dad senced she was jealous of her
brother in the end who did. We are
what were dealt with. I know what I
faced and I advice all my friends now
to try for babies even if they feel it's too
soon as you never know how hard it is to conceive, carry a preg and it may even be taken away before you think about it. I also have a friend with endo. And their childless and put all there live to a dog who has her own passport and a cat. I suppose every family is different in how they cope with not being able to have kids I am sorry that you have no nieces or nephews as you have so much love to give. When your emotionally stronger look into childcare or fostering or even some pets or enjoy being together don't let this eat you away it's not your fault thus has happened sorry for a pointless post but you have lots of love to give you just need a way to share it. Love and hugs from a 40 year old 5 weeks past TAH

I am so glad to see your post tonight. I logged in after not needing to connect on Hyster Sisters for the last 7 weeks. But this week I have been super emotional and empty feeling with the thoughts that I made the wrong decision about having my hys in November. By the grace of God, I have a child who we adopted from a member of my husband's family 11 years ago, she is my everything and sometimes I feel I put too much pressure on her to be my one perfect child. I am grateful I am physically better, rid of adhesions, screwed up ovaries and monthly flooding, but emotionally I am missing something. I think of never having been able to feel a baby kick or the feeling of being able to breast feed. I can't look at a child and see my eyes or dh's chin, etc. I should be able to be content with the family that I do have but I can't get past it. I have no one to talk to, finally broke down on Sunday this week and let the emotions out with dh, he was dumbfounded that I had been hiding it, but I am so afraid of the effect it would have on my child. DH hubby only suggestion is to get over it and volunteer for something that involves kids. I need more than that. He did also want me to go to a counselor which I am seriously considering but I live in a small town.
I am not close to nieces and nephews and am not expecting that I ever will be. Sunday this week, I broke down because my new neighbors who don't have 2 dimes to rub together, 3 kids already are pregnant with twins. I saw them in Walmart for 1 st time since learning of pregnancy and just couldn't handle it. It isn't their fault but I am so bitter.

ci_gi -

First I want to say that I am proud of you for seeking help both here and from a professional. That takes courage especially if you are used to internalizing things.

There are times when I feel like I let down my parents and my in-laws because my husband and I never had children. It is tough but I can't beat myself up over it. Although I still have those regret moments.

I don't know if you can start to work through the feelings more by trying to focus on either new opportunities, unrelated to having children and children, or just a different focus entirely. I'm not saying that it will totally negate or replace the ache you feel but is there a way to find something that will give you a purpose and meaning in place of children. Check out a book called "Out Live Your Life" by Max Lucado maybe it will give you some ideas. I know for me after my cancer dx and hysterectomy what helped me process everything was coming here and posting and supporting other women.

There is something out there for you....you just haven't found it yet.



G.