Mourning because my new husband will never have a child (children mentioned)

Hi, I am Lori, I had my hyst in either '04 or '05....at the time it was really kind of a non-issue to me. I was in almost constant pain because of adenomyosis & already had 3 children. I was divorced & also had a tubal ligation in '02 so I didn't feel a "loss" at the time because I had no plans to have more children. I never thought I would remarry.

Since all of that I have been in 2 serious relationships. The first I am positive ended because I couldn't have children. I remarried in '08 to a man who has no children of his own. I was totally up front w/ him about not being able to have more children & he tries really hard not to let me see that it hurts him that we can't have a child. Occasionally though a statement will be made or a look during a movie that cuts into my heart. I feel like I have stolen something from him & it hurts. I have my kids & really mostly I feel sad for him.

We were watching a movie the other day & he got up & left the room...... I know it was because he didn't want me to see how much he felt like the lead character who just found out he could never have children. We aren't in a position financially to look at surrogacy as an option for him. He loves my kids & has a stepson from a previous relationship that he still has contact with but he mourns not having a biological child. I feel like less of a woman now & am really struggling with that feeling for the last month or two.

hello ldbsmouse,
you were honest with him from the beginning and he knew he would not be able to have children with you.he still married you!he could have walked away.he loves you for you,not for what you may/may not 'provide' for him.you do have children to love between you and you're luckier than some in that.
he may still have trigger times,like when watching that film but i am sure what you share together will see you through.make sure you talk with him and encourage him to open up about how he feels.
you certainly don't need to feel less of a woman and i am sure he would not wish for you to feel that way.
you don't say how old the children are...but they grow up,leave home and then come back with grandkids!!!lol.
enjoy the time you and your hubby have together.he sounds like a caring man.
good luck..
xx

i agree with Carlie. He knew before you married him that you can't have kids. It may just be that he will have some things that trigger a reaction in him. Talk to him about this. I bet that he would not want you to feel like less of a woman. It doesn't change you just because you had surgery. We are not defined by our body parts and look at your kids and see the wonderful mom you have been to them and will continue to be.

Thank you ladies. I have really been struggling lately. You are right he did know & logically I know that means he chose me & not a child. The other man I mentioned hurt me deeply when he left after 4 years. My husband & I love each other very much but we each carry a lot of insecurities & baggage with us. Part of my issue is that I feel like it was unfair of me to ask him to give up such an important thing as a child. I don't know..... I am just rambling because I haven't slept enough & I am depressed right now.

hugs ldbsmouse,
just for you to know we are here....hang in there...
much love
xx

Sending lots of Are you on any medicine for the depression or do you have a counselor of some type you can talk to? Since you told your husband prior to being married, he certainly knew what this would entail. I have a feeling he thought about this before but decided you were much more important than having a biological child. Depression can really wreck havoc on you. It gives you really bad thoughts at times and for me I needed counseling and medication to help. I am doing much better but I had a period of a few weeks where I was just so down that I was blaming myself for everything that went wrong. Hope you feel better. We are here for you.