Post-op 21 months & depression, don't know what to do

Hi ladies,
I've posted in a lot of places on this website, especially the hormone jungle, and for awhile since the surgery I felt okay. But I'm having some major problems and I'm not sure whether to put this thread here or on the hormone jungle. But I'm so tired of depression and panic attacks. The HRT is not working anymore...the estrogen makes me feel awful. I've tried so many kinds. I went off everything for 3 weeks & because of the many aches & pains I started back on the patch..but after 2 weeks I am off again because I get wave after wave of panic & depression so bad that I don't want to be alone and so lonely. It has been almost 2 yrs since the surgery..maybe I just needed the HRT for the post-op "hump"? I've tried compounded progesterone & that worked for awhile but only a few months.

I'm thinking of calling my original gyn & associates to set up an appt...been having discharge (thought that couldn't happen after a hyst?) and lots of leg pain while ON the HRT....but my main reason is depression. I never feel happy or interested in anything or have lots of energy. And crying spells all the time, everything is a burden. I am blessed with 3 children ages 15, 12, & 4. I feel like I am missing them growing up. When my 4 yr old was born almost 5 yrs ago I had severe post partum depression; my first time I ever had anything like this, and since the hyst I have dealt with this again. Last yr my GP tried a few anti-depressants...Zoloft (which is what I took before), Paxil, Effexor, & another that starts with a "C"..can't remember......but anyway they ALL made me have such panic that I couldn't stand it. I am afraid to try anything else but I am afraid to keep feeling so awful, too. I am on Ativan right now but I've been taking it since for about 7 months & I don't think its working anymore.

My DH has been so wonderful but the last year I think I have messed him up too. He seems depressed a lot and I feel so guilty. I try to hide this from my family but its so hard.
My mother has also been a great help but in Nov she had a complete hyst, and I have been taking care of her & her family, and trying to keep mine together.

I just need someone to listen I guess, I have read a lot of the posts here at Aching Hearts, and realize that I'm not by myself. None of my friends understand--they have never been thru anything like this. I'm 37 yrs old. Many times I have regretted the surgery but I don't know what else could have been done to get better.

Thank you for listening. I am trusting in the Lord, and I have prayed and prayed for Him to help me and show me what to do. I've tried so many HRTs and so many medicines. It feels like I have turned into a different person & I"m trying so hard to be "right" again. I see other women going and doing so much and I wonder how they handle it all. I used to be like that.

Sincerely,
KathyLynne

((((((KathyLynne))))))))

First of all, I would lovingly suggest that you not compare your recovery to anyone elses. There are so many factors which make each of our recoveries unique that we are doing ourselves a huge injustice to guage our recovery with anothers. Your HRT sounds like it has been a real hassel to combat and I am sorry to say that I am a hormone idiot but I do know alot about depression.

While the hormonal imbalance can foster or bring on depression through the chemical changes which have been thrust on your body at such an early age the physical adaptations your body is going through and all the rough symptoms of surgical menopause can test the very limits of your sanity. With post partum depression after the birth of your 4-year old it sounds as if your hormonal and chemical make=up are very sensitive to extreme changes. Well , you can't get anymore extreme than a radical hyst. I see you have tried taking a rainbow of anti-depressants to no avail. Please no that there are so many new anti's out there now that you shouldn't see this as your last chance to be sane. I know that it is digusting and frustrating taking pill after pill with no positive reaction but you must hang in there until you and your doc find the right one. Please don't give up on your search for happiness and contentment. It is out there but the fight for it feels as if you are walking through the very pits of hell.

May I suggest calling your doc then calling and seeing a counselor and/or psychiatrist, if you haven't already done so. Many people go through their regular doc but you need a professional which deals with the mind specifically to find the correct pill for you. Don't give up now, you have come too far to throw in the towel. Keep fighting, keep praying and keep loving yourself. Come here as often as you like. I am always willing to lend and ear and a shoulder.


Tender hugs and Earnest Prayers,

Has your Dr. mentioned Xanex? I took that for panic attacks after my dad died and the morning of his funeral my mom almost died. It really helped settle me down so I could cope.

As for depression, I am on Wellbutrin and it works for me. Keep trying. Kathylynne. There are alot of medications to get our chemical imbalances in order. It just takes some tinkering. Maybe a combination of things will work for you.

As far as HRT...have you tried any of the over the counter things? Like Estroven? They have a website...www.estroven.com. Walmart sells it for $9.99 for 30 capsules. That`s a months worth. Inexpensive enough to at least give it a try?

I will keep you in my prayers.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

kaatie

Dear Tinamarie and Kaatie,
Thank you SO much for being there and listening -- it means so much to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has gone thru this but I know that I am not.

I made an appointment to see my gyn on Dec 26th. They are the same drs who delivered my last two children, who did the surgery, and also when my 4 yr old was born, put me back in the hospital for 3 days until I was able to come home (when the baby was 2 wks old they put me on Prozac, which did NOT work & I won't go into details but it was a pit only God could get me out of). They referred me to a physciatrist who I saw for 18 months. Anyway that was my first bout with depression & I thought when it was over -- about 2 yrs later -- it was my last. When the endo problems began, they escalated so fast, and even the pain medications made me get depressed. The dr did not consider any kind of HRT therapy to reduce the endo because he was afraid it would put me into a tailspin....

To answer your questions...Tinamarie, you are so right, it is trying all of those different meds that I am so tired of doing. But yet when I have these terrible panic & depression problems, I know I have to do something. Thank you for the reassurance....I feel that seeing my gyn will be a step in the right direction. Because they helped me before when the baby was born, I am hoping to get some help again. I have tried my GP but he is too quick to hand out all kinds of meds that don't work.

Kaatie, 4 yrs ago Xanex was one of the first tranquilizers they tried for me, and it caused a lot of joint and muscle pain...then they tried Klonopin, which worked for a year. THe past two times I have tried Klonopin (about a month ago was the last), I had such awful crying spells & the depression was worse. I know this sounds very strange but I don't know what is causing me to be so sensitive to meds. I bought Estroven a few months ago and tried that, and although it helped me sleep, the next morning I woke up very anxious & nervous (I think the kava-kava is what did it).

Sorry for such a long answer. I did put back on my Vivelle patch last night. I can't stand being off the HRT & I can't seem to tolerate it either. I have not taken any more compounded progesterone...Becky at the Hormone Jungle said the pill made her depressed over time. She suggested the prog. cream, so I might give that a try.

Thank you again. God bless you both.
And thank you for the ((Hugs))....
<<KathyLynne

Kaatie, I forgot to say...I remember hearing you & some others here talk about Welbutrin. Did you have to go thru several meds before you found that one? All of the anti-depressants I have taken in the last 2 yrs increase the panic & I guess I am a little afraid of them...Paxil did not do anything except make me sleep all the time, which is no life at all either

Thanks again,
Merry Christmas!
<<KathyLynne

Wellbutrin is the first one I have taken and it works great for me. I have a Dr. who happens to prefer Wellburtin over other antidepressants and that is the first one she prescribes. Most people do pretty well on it from what I have read here. It does not make you sleepy...in fact it has the opposite effect on me. It jazzes me up a bit so instead of sitting on the couch looking at the walls and wondering when I am going to get to stuff I actually get up and do things.

It took about 3 weeks for it to really get in my system and get me feeling back to 'me'. I am slowly becoming the person I was pre-hyst as far as my activity level, too. Yesterday I got up, made coffee, got my mom breakfast, did a little reading here, took the dogs for a walk, took a shower and got dressed, went to my friends house, took her twins for lunch, came back to her house and celebrated Christmas, left and went shopping {3 stores}, came home and put it all away, made dinner for us all, cleaned up the kitchen, got out a bucket of ammonia and water and scrubbed some mud spots on the carpet {took about an hour all told}, walked the pooches with hubby, wrapped some more Christmas presents, then got on the computer for a few hours, went to bed. Whew! A few months ago I would have just thought about a day like that.

When my Dr. suggested Wellburtrin last December I resisted and told her I was fine. About springtime when she asked how I was I burst out crying. She took charge and said..'Thats it. You are taking these and you will feel better.'. So I took them and I do feel better. I have a stressful job and my handicapped mom lives with us and even though my hubby is a big help with her, it does get stressful. I don`t think I would have coped with all of this without some help.

I am not trying to talk you into anything, just relating what works for me. I was never a pill taker before my surgery. I would even tough it out with headaches. I just reached a point where I was not coping and I was always sad and tired. My Dr. says it is a chemical imbalance caused by surgery and surgical menopause. It happens to alot of people. So here I am....a whole lot better off than I was a year ago at this time.

Wishing you peace and healing.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

kaatie

Dear Kaatie,
Oh my! What you said sounds so much like me! A day like you had yesterday....I used to be like that before my last child was born...and think nothing of it. Now I realize that feeling good and being able to do things is a gift from God & I took my health for granted. I am going to ask my dr about Welbutrin. It is one med (!) I have never tried.

The last 2 yrs have been stressful, mostly because I couldn't put one foot in front of the other without crying, because there is so much to do: 3 kids and hubby & home to take care of...financial pressures...I wonder how in the world I could ever take a part- time job next yr when my youngest goes to school, although the "old" me would have been excited about it.

I can only sympathize with you about your Mom being home & needing your care...I have experienced a sample of this when my Mom had a complete hysterectomy, removal of ovaries, & lymph nodes because of uterine cancer, on November 13th. She had a vertical incision, right before Thanksgiving. I lived with her, my 13 yr old sister, & step-dad(along with my 3 kids) to take care of her; my brother helped some & then he was over for Thanksgiving...I felt like I was doing everything and watching myself do it, you know? Kind of felt like one of those dolls you wind up and I wondered what would happen when I "wind down".

Of course we were so happy when my Mom got a clean bill of health from her dr...the cancer did not spread and she will be okay. But in the meantime she developed an infection w/high fever. For 2 months I've been torn between both houses--we live about 5 miles apart. I decorated my house and then hers for Christmas. There has been so much to do; my daughter's 15th birthday party last Sat was my last straw. I didn't go to church Sunday simply because I was exhausted from the emotional strain (I never miss unless I have a good reason & felt guilty about this). I'm a social person but I find myself not wanting to be around people, not wanting to dress up, not wanting to take a walk,(used to walk 5 days a week) or cook supper, or even feel HUNGRY for that matter. I feel like I have aged about 20 years in the past 2 yrs.

Well, I am sorry to dump all of this on you. But your story gives me courage; I would love to feel good like that. Please pray that next Wed 26th my dr will know what to do (and that I will TELL him things...I am very bad about wanting to hide stuff. But somehow I can't hide this anymore).

You are such a blessing and I appreciate your taking the time to write back to me. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas!

(((Hugs)))
KathyLynne

Geesh! Sweetie don`t wonder why you are exhausted...you are the caregiver in 2 households and to a whole slew of people, all ages and with different needs! My goodness....I would be tired, too, even on my best day! And don`t discount the holdiays, your mom`s illness and most importantly...yourself! You need some time to yourself to recharge those emotional batteries, too.

Being tired is a very valid reason for not attending church. Don`t feel guilty. You needed some rest and that is more important at the moment. Your priority must be you or you will not have the energy to care for your family.

A very wise person told me once when I was frantic about everything...lower your standards. I thought he was nuts at the time, but he was right. Noone is going to steal the dirt. It can wait till I can manage it. I need to feel better before I can tackle things around here.

Take a deep breath, take a walk alone, daydream, and get to the Dr. when you can. There is hope, Kathylynne. Hang in there, sweetie.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

kaatie

Hi KathyLynne,
I just happened to be poking around and saw your post. I don't know if this will help or not, but Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac - they are all in the same family of antidepressants. Wellbutrin affects a different set of horomones. I don't know if this information helps you at all, but I too, had severe post partum depression and when the dr. gave me Zoloft 2 yrs. ago, it was like a miracle to me. I am me again and it feels sooo great. I have moved on to other meds, but I am on them. If it takes 2 years or 20, I just like feeling good again. Anyway, dont give up. Keep looking and keep trying. I know you will find the right thing for you! Take care! {{{{hugs}}}}
Warmly,
Pam

Dear Kaatie & Pam,
Thanks so much AGAIN!
Kaatie, you are right, i need to lower my standards on myself, I think. At least until I am "me" again, whoever SHE is. LOL Taking a walk alone would be wonderful. I am going to do that sometime this week (promising myself now), whether I feel like it or not. Yesterday I went to a women's Bible Study & although it was nice, I just struggled some, and when I came home, felt really down for about an hour, and then seemed to get over it. Here I go again, telling stuff...sorry about that.

Pam, I'd be very interested in hearing your story. If you don't mind, what kind of meds do you take now? I was on Zoloft for 18 months & took myself off because I started to feel strange and "zoned out" all the time; when I stopped the meds I felt good for awhile, but have bounced from one thing to another, especially before the hyst, and right after. I have not tried any kind of antidepressant for a year now.

What kind of hormones does the Wellbutrin affect? Thanks for telling me your story The hyst was a bad time for me, but I think the post-partum depression & all it took to get better was the hardest thing for my family & me.

God bless you both
{{Hugs}}
KathyLynne