PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF THIS STORY IS SAD AND UPSETTING, DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK IT WILL UPSET YOU!!!
I dont really know if i should talk about this but just maybe, you
will all begin to know who i am, and why i am here.
At the age of 11 i was molested by my brother-in-law by age 12 he raped me and took my virginity. two weeks later after repeating nightmares and fear of his threats i told my mom.
she said i was a liar.......within two months they received a phone call from my sister and she was crying,her husband(my brother-in-law) had a gun to her head and asked to talk to my dad, he used the control over my dad to protect himself, so he could admit his guilt of raping me....finally i was not considered a liar...but, then i had to be quite no one was to know about this it was embarrassing to my family. over the next three years, I kept searching for a way out of the house, I turned to alcohol and drugs, went thru rehab at age 13 1/2. at age 14 I met my now husband.(of 14years) I became pregnant and married right after my 16th birthday. In 1992 I was 6 months pregnant and my water broke. The doctor said they could not save my baby because It would be to expensive for someone who was on medicaid(welfare Insurance) my baby lived two hours and struggled to breath he could have been saved, but they didnt tell us that. we were to young and they had me drugged up at that point. anyways, the didnt give me the proper care i needed after this and sent me home with liasions and infection, this is how after 5 years at age 24 I was diagnosed with PID Pelvic Inflammotory Disease. I took antibiotics for 8 months and it didnt help so, it was time for a total Hysterectomy. plus vaginal reconstructive surgery(due to scar tissue in vagina from the rape).
Two years later My doctor retired due to a brain tumor (need i mention he had when he preformed my surgery) The new doc that took his place scheduled an apt to met all his new paitents
and at that apt, I found out that during the surgery and the lab tests preformed showed I did NOT need the surgery at all!!!!!
To late to file a lawsuit(state of Indiana statue 2 years!)
This is my story . I dont mean to upset anyone I just felt I needed to talk about this it haunts me daily.
I could never figure out what was worse, the pain, the fear, the darkness, the breathing, the confusion, the shame, the guilt, the lies, the injustice, the loss of my virginity, the deafening silence , the blame, the feeling of worthlessness or the total mistrust of everyone I meet.
I was molested and raped by two of my uncles from age 8-11 and molested by my father from ages 11-13. I know the boiling rage that takes over your body when you find out that not all Daddy's do this to their little girls.
Your brother in law used mind control techniques and pure terror to keep you silent and when your family didn't believe you and then told you to keep quiet about the whole thing they were sending you a very clear message to you, you must be shameful and worthless. You should feel guilty according to everybody else, afterall, " you must have teased or tempted him in some way" or " you had to have misunderstood what he did" This kind of ignorant thinking places the entire burden of guilt on the girl and none on the guy. Our society likes to keep everything in a nice neat little package and anything that ruins that image is ridiculed and surpressed. I can't tell you the number of times that I've run into people who were all too comfortable having their heads buried in the sand of ignorance. Its amazing really, they think if they can keep you quiet then it never happened and therefore, could never happen to their children. Can you think of any greater danger to little girls of America?! The Victims are always targeted because we are the ones that speak up because lets face it, our abusers are never going to stand up and say, "hey, do you know what I did to your little girl?" My Favorite Aunt had the nerve to say that my uncles were just experimenting! They were 18 and 20, I was 8! The sense of betrayal was so deep and the pain got worse. It was like being raped all over again, except this time it was emotional rape.
As I am sure you are aware of when a child is introduced to this kind of thing so early in life then it takes alot more than her virginity away. It steals her innocence, faith, hope, dreams, spirit and worst of all her ability to trust anyone. The pain is so great that you want to die and get it over with.
Everyone has different coping mechanisms, you fled a family who made you feel worthless and turned to the comfort of drugs and alcohol. I turned to food and diliberately gained weight so no one would ever want to touch me again. I hurt myself because I felt useless and shameful, you did the same. This is what they did to us. But I have refused to give one more minute of my life to my abusers, I have taken charge and I now realize that I am worth a good and happy life. And I am going to do everything in my power to get it.
As for the Hyst connection, well, its a big one. Your first thought " Did that freak take away my chance to have a baby?
Did he mess my insides up to the point that I could not possible concieve or ever carry a baby to term? Did he take my dreams away, my chance at having a family of my very own? You know what, the answer could be yes.
The hyst itself carries all kind of emotional baggage with it and it has the nasty side affect of bringing old heartaches to the surface once again. I thought I was completely prepared until after the surgery when all those nasty memories came flooding back. I could not come to terms with them on my own so I sought out a good therapist. That was the first thing I'd ever done for myself. I will never regret it, It has helped me to see that my dreams are my own and nobody has the power to steal them from me because I am not that helpless little girl anymore and neither are you. We can fight for what we want and actually come out on top no matter what life has to through at us.
I am glad you came here for a connection. I encourage you to post as much as you want. However, I've learned the hard way that many women can not relate to this type of pain. They are confused and in pain about thier hysts, which is why this site was created. The women on this site are pure angels but they can't possibly understand. If you haven't walked the mile you can't describe the lumps in the road. I will give you my email address if you would like to talk about anything that you think might be offensive to the other ladies here. [admin snip of email address for internet safety - please use email option in the left hand column]
Also, I have found a wonderful site for this type of abuse. I am a member there and you will find many folks who have gone through the same type of heartache you and I have. There will be understanding and safety. There you will find knowledgeable friends who have been in the same darkness we have and are eager to help. The site is called, Spiritual survivors of childhood abuse.com
I hope I have been able to help you out some. Please, feel free to email me and do some more posting.
and wishing i could hug both of you!!!!! Not much i can say, but i admire your strength to talk about this, i admire your soul searching, it is beyond my ability to grasp i am afraid to say.....how monsters can do such things to little girls and young boys. I pray you will continue to heal,seek the help needed and know your sisters are always here for you!!
i am reaching out to you too. You are not alone. What hell and trauma you have been through.I am saddened deeply at your pain.
I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Several abusers including an uncle, brother and others. From when I was really little(about 2) till about 16 I think. Most of these memories were deeply repressed and didn't come out until after I had a car accident 6 years ago. I had a roller coaster ride as these memories came to me and i had to deal with severe neck injury, losing my job,pain, a harrowing insurance claim.
Lots of loss and rapid change. Post traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety. My addictions were being superwoman, busy, workaholic, overeating , feelings locked in tight.
The impact caused incredible mistrust of lofe, men, sex, relationships, hiding my true self while running an efficient looking life. The car accident cracked that all open for me and I was left with endless time recuperating and the structure of my life falling apart. Everything i used to do and many of my pland had to go. Lots of loss.
What you and Tinamarie and I describe is very common in survivors of childhood abuse. Food and drug and alcohol problems and many life stresses.
We are not alone as the current stats from Australia and USA are that about 1 in 3 woman and 1 in 7-9 men have xperienced some form of sexual assault by age 18.I have had some trainign in this field.
I am so sorry to hear about your docor doing a hyster which may not have been necessary. hard, so hard to deal with. My heart goes out to you .
I am sad about your baby who dies and very angry with the medical system and how you were treated. I am so sorry.
I too had my baby die. She was still born at 7 months. I have had several miscarriages(4) and no other children. Having the hyster has stirred up a lot of feelings for me and I have just posted here today about my sadness.
What did you call your baby?
Thanks for the courage both of you to share here. keep posting. Love and healing and friendship from me tilly
Lovely to see Kenneth's name and birthday posted here.
When my daughter was stillborn, there was no birth or death certificate. No one mentioned her again. there was such shame surrounding her birth then.
In those days(73), stillborn babies were whisked away, buried in public cemeteries in unmarked graves, keeping the mother out of these arrangements.
I seemed to pick up on the unspoken messages that I shouldn't talk about what happened and so didn't. I was used to keeping secrets and keeping my pain hidden so it just seemed natural.
It wasn't until years later I got into therapy and realized I had this huge well of unresolved grief and this huge secret I was carrying.
A long time down the track, I named her and was able to apply for a retrospective birth certificate as the legislation had changed.
How proud I was to get this piece of paper with h er name on it and she really did exist! sadly, even though I tracked down her grave number, the area is overgrown, all the numbers are gone and I don't know exactly where she is.
I know she is buried with other babies. I guess there would be thousands.
Isabel Downes 4.6.73 (ie 4th June)
Do you celebrate his birthday in some small way, or xmas? it gives me meaning to do this. I celebrate Kenneth's short life and i hope you can find some peace and comfort and love amongst the grief and sadness too.
I am for you all. I, too, have been through some physical, mental and sexual abuse as a child. Mine does not touch the seriousness of the stories that you have told here. I hide these things way back in my mind and try not to think of them because, after all, there are so many others who have had it worse and who are still going through these things.
I am so sorry to hear of your children who were lost. I am the mother of 3 children and even though sometimes I feel that they make me feel a bit , I thank God for the gift he's given me. There are so many people out there such as yourselves who would probably make wonderful mothers. I will never understand why God picked me because I can't think of anything wonderful that I did in my life to deserve them. I do my best and I appreciate them so much, but there are so many others who are so much better than me and much more deserving.
I'm curious...........have any of you thought of adopting? Did you ever press any kind of charges against the people who hurt you?
Please, don't belittle your own hardships and pain. When we begin to compare our lives with others it makes us feel like whinners or it gives us the misconception that what happened to us wasn't abuse.
Michele, the things you described are abuse; therefore, none of us could have had it worse or better than you. Abuse is abuse, plain and simple. Whether someone just copt a feel or whether they went much further, the results are the same only at different intensities of pain. Betrayal of trust, broken relationships, low self-esteem, low self image and implanted fears are all there making us vulnerable, yet you are a survivor and so I am. Its all there and its pretty heavy baggage to carry around.
Whatever our abusers took from us and I know it was a lot, we still have the knowledge that God created us for a specific reason and it was not to be abused! He will work with us and hold us up when we can no longer take another step.
My prayers and thoughts are with you all. Keep fighting , keep claiming your life back, one moment at a time.
I can't pretend to understand how you are feeling, but just
wanted to give you all a and say how brave you are
to speak out about your experiances and feel that in doing so
it allows others to know, who have been through same/smiliar
experiances that is ok!! to speak out. This surely can be a part
of healing for yourself and others.
(hope these words are ok)
Be good to yourself always and never forget you have a
right to feel special too! s
Just saying hi to michelle and mousey and of course, tinamarie for your messages here.
I agree with tinamarie about comparing hurts although it can be helpful to put one's own experiences into perspective.
Mousey, your words of support are more than ok, they are great so THANK YOU! it helps to have others give that kind of response.
To Michelle, you asked some questions and i will answer. Re laying of charges. There is a very low rate of conviction for sexual abuse. I know others who have pressed charges and they have been through an horrific time, having their lives ripped inside out from the defense.
Out of two cases, one got a conviction for the abuse of other children, not the childhood abuse of the woman who started the proceedings. The police said it was too long ago.
The other I know of got off , found not guilty. A harrowing result.
So it is not something to decide to do lightly. For myself, it is not an option.
As to adoption, yes i have thought about that a lot over the years as I had miscarriages and even thought i could be a single mum at one satge. i was determined. It just never fell into place and didn't ever feel like the right time.
I do give support to my nephews and the children of my friends in various ways and that is verp healing and uplifting.In the future, I have not ruled out weekend fostering or something like this.
My partner has 2 sons. adults now. maybe they will have kids one day. Taht would be nice.
Hope everyone is going well.
Light love and peace to all. tilly