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5 months post op, scared to have sex 5 months post op, scared to have sex

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  #1  
Unread 04-26-2012, 08:33 AM
5 months post op, scared to have sex

I'm a little over 5 months post op from a TAH. My husband and I still haven't had sex yet. Luckily, he's the most understanding and supportive man ever. He doesn't push me at all. However, we need some intimacy.

But I'm scared to death. I'm scared that the cuff will break or something. I'm scared he'll push through it. I'm just scared, and I don't know why. There were no complications with my surgery or recovery. I was slow to get moving good and ended up needing pain meds for about 8 weeks, but really, nothing out of the ordinary happened.

Honestly though, I'm not feeling any type of desire at all anyway. I'm just flat. I feel affection, but nothing really sexual. But I can deal with that. I'll get some hormones or something, and I'm pretty sure it will come back eventually. In the meantime, I want to make him happy, and do the right thing for our marriage. And for me too! I want to want sex. I want to have sex. But I'm scared something will break or tear inside of me. How will we ever be able to do it again like we used to?

Sorry for the babbling post, but my nerves are shot lately.
  #2  
Unread 04-26-2012, 08:40 AM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

None of it sounds like babbling to me. I just passed my six week check up and got my doctors go a head to start gentle penetration if I felt ready. READY???? No way I still have bloody vaginal spotting when I have to push hard to poop and she thinks I might feel safe enough to put something in there? Oh NOT happening. My poor hubby deserves a saint hood by now. I was very ill for about 8 months before my hysterectomy and cancer diagnosis, so he has been with out sex for quite some time. I am finally feeling good enough to lend a "hand" now and again and for now I hope its enough. Em11 you are far from the only scared sister when it comes to this subject.

  #3  
Unread 04-26-2012, 08:51 AM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

Thanks, kaylaV. Yeah, I laughed at my doctor when she told me I was cleared at 8 weeks. That was in early January, and I told her it would be spring time before I was ready. But now it's mid-spring and I should be thawing.
  #4  
Unread 04-26-2012, 08:56 AM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

My body is "thawing" I am getting feeling back to the numb spots, the brain thinks about it, the body even gets little tingles, but the biggest part of the brain still says NO way. So for now I am going to have to be patient with myself, talk it out with hubby, and hope he can continue to be patient with me. One day at a time one small step at a time.
  #5  
Unread 04-26-2012, 09:19 AM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

I hear you. We waited until 12 weeks and although everything went more than fine I still had this overwhelming feeling that he was going to rip through my cuff. Made me depressed afterwards wondering if sex will ever be the same (I tend to like it a little rough) blush...
Never had painful sex before this either. So I will keep at it gently until the thought of a **** cuff does not enter my head while in the process ..
  #6  
Unread 04-26-2012, 09:49 AM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

Many doctors say not to wait too long. Scar tissue can tend to be fibrous and not stretch as well as regular tissues. I'm a gyne RN and I've heard many doctors tell their post-op patients that if they don't use it, they'll lose it. If you wait too long then you could experience vaginal shortening and/or vaginal atrophy and end up with problems you really don't want.

I also am afraid about sex, but I figure that tearing through the cuff is pretty unlikely. I've been reading and reading these forums for weeks now and have yet to stumble upon one post where that's happened. It seems like if it was a real risk then somebody would have had it occur, right? Likely then it's an irrational fear and not something that will really happen.

Women and sexual arousal usually isn't just as simple as a hormone (although hormones can help some women with drive) or a little pill. If it were that easy then there'd be a Viagra for women out there.

Sex for me is about passion and connection, fantasy and the erotic. So to keep the home fires burning, my husband and I make sure to spend some time making out off and on throughout the day. Deep passionate kissing, touching, witty sexual banter, a little dirty talk, all the sorts of things that are preludes to sex. I figure I'm having the longest foreplay since back when we were courting 26 years ago!

Last week, I read a sexy book that I've been wanting to read and then described the events to my husband, in detail, over a quiet dinner, reminding him (and me) just what I'd like him to do to me when I'm all better.

Throughout history, and even today in parts of this world, lots and lots of women died in childbirth, so if you think about it sex has always been a death-defying act for a woman. Women risk their lives time and time again and why? Sometimes it is forced on them, but that's not always why. Their desire for their husbands was so great that they forgot their fears and let their passions take over.

I'm trying to stay tapped into that powerful life-affirming energy so that when the time comes I'll be at interested again.

Sexual energy has to be nurtured and fed in order to grow and build. I think as women sometimes we think sex is something that happens to us rather than something we actively participate in. But we have to open our minds and our bodies to the experience if we want to enjoy it in its fullness.

If actual penetration is too frightening then maybe it's time for some heavy petting to wake up those nerve endings. How about go parking somewhere and let him get to second base. Go buy the naughtiest new underwear you've never let yourself have because you were always afraid you'd bleed all over it. Tie him to the bedpost and get on top. That way you know you totally control depth.

All I'm suggesting is that if you haven't started to naturally thaw after five months it might be time to stick that puppy in the microwave and defrost it manually.

Good luck! I hope you read this post in the loving spirit in which it was intended.
  #7  
Unread 04-26-2012, 09:59 AM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

LMAO @ Defrost it manually!

Your post was great and I appreciate it. I love your attitude and how you look at life.
  #8  
Unread 04-26-2012, 10:13 AM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

  Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Hopeful View Post
Many doctors say not to wait too long. Scar tissue can tend to be fibrous and not stretch as well as regular tissues. I'm a gyne RN and I've heard many doctors tell their post-op patients that if they don't use it, they'll lose it. If you wait too long then you could experience vaginal shortening and/or vaginal atrophy and end up with problems you really don't want.

I also am afraid about sex, but I figure that tearing through the cuff is pretty unlikely. I've been reading and reading these forums for weeks now and have yet to stumble upon one post where that's happened. It seems like if it was a real risk then somebody would have had it occur, right? Likely then it's an irrational fear and not something that will really happen.

Women and sexual arousal usually isn't just as simple as a hormone (although hormones can help some women with drive) or a little pill. If it were that easy then there'd be a Viagra for women out there.

Sex for me is about passion and connection, fantasy and the erotic. So to keep the home fires burning, my husband and I make sure to spend some time making out off and on throughout the day. Deep passionate kissing, touching, witty sexual banter, a little dirty talk, all the sorts of things that are preludes to sex. I figure I'm having the longest foreplay since back when we were courting 26 years ago!

Last week, I read a sexy book that I've been wanting to read and then described the events to my husband, in detail, over a quiet dinner, reminding him (and me) just what I'd like him to do to me when I'm all better.

Throughout history, and even today in parts of this world, lots and lots of women died in childbirth, so if you think about it sex has always been a death-defying act for a woman. Women risk their lives time and time again and why? Sometimes it is forced on them, but that's not always why. Their desire for their husbands was so great that they forgot their fears and let their passions take over.

I'm trying to stay tapped into that powerful life-affirming energy so that when the time comes I'll be at interested again.

Sexual energy has to be nurtured and fed in order to grow and build. I think as women sometimes we think sex is something that happens to us rather than something we actively participate in. But we have to open our minds and our bodies to the experience if we want to enjoy it in its fullness.

If actual penetration is too frightening then maybe it's time for some heavy petting to wake up those nerve endings. How about go parking somewhere and let him get to second base. Go buy the naughtiest new underwear you've never let yourself have because you were always afraid you'd bleed all over it. Tie him to the bedpost and get on top. That way you know you totally control depth.

All I'm suggesting is that if you haven't started to naturally thaw after five months it might be time to stick that puppy in the microwave and defrost it manually.

Good luck! I hope you read this post in the loving spirit in which it was intended.
I definitely love and appreciate your post. I am 16 days post op so no where near the sex mark. When I think about something going inside I can just feel the fear well up in the back of my mind that sends shudders up my back. But by the same token I'm excited when I think about sex without pain. I'm almost giddy. I wonder what will it be like so I'm hoping this curiosity overrides any fears
  #9  
Unread 04-26-2012, 10:31 AM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

I was terrified to have sex again after my op! Even put off our planned "date night" because of how scared I was. My hubby was so sweet and supportive and said no rush. A few days later (last Saturday) we tried again... it was GREAT! No pain at all!! (and no extra lube needed, either! )

I think we ladies scare ourselves by over thinking.

Just go slow and steady and make sure YOU are in control so you can stop if you need or want to.


  #10  
Unread 04-26-2012, 02:46 PM
Re: 5 months post op, scared to have sex

Lady Hopeful, your post made me decide to stop over thinking and start a new way of thinking... or at least try my very best to think that way!

I have had sexual issues for years and my sweet husband deserves a sainthood for it. From diabetes issues to the uterine problems that led to my hysterectomy, it's been a rough few years for us in the sex department. It's only been 2 weeks here since my procedure, and aside from my emotions getting the better of me lately, worries about resuming a sex life have me all kinds of riled up and not in the good way!

My doctor has said that it is very possible that the hysterectomy will make things better than they were before. No more big honking fibroids to get in the way, making things uncomfortable and sometimes impossible. No more menstrual cycles lasting 2-3 weeks to zap ANY desire that may have tried to creep in there. And sure, thinking back, the root of a lot of my physical sexual unhappiness has now been taken away. I just need to get the brain on board, and my brain is sometimes to stubborn for my own good!
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