Where to start and how to move on........

I had suffered for MANY years with Endometriosis, ovarian cysts and fibroids - most of my teen years were spent in tears, missing school, etc. When I was 20, my dr. wanted to do a complete hysterectomy and stated that I would never have children. I had always DREAMED of having a baby and once he said those words, it was like time froze and he kept speaking but I wasn't hearing anything. I decided to get a second opinion and went to a specialist. After a few laporoscopies, he did state that I had about a 1% chance of being able to have a child. I was devastated - many sleepless nights, many tears shed. I kept fighting and believing. In June of 2008 (7 years after I had been told I would probably never conceive) I found out I was pregnant. As you can imagine, I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. It was a very high risk pregnancy and I did deliver 5 weeks early, but I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter!

The pain and suffering returned a few months after I had my daughter. Again, I was continuing to fight because knowing that it was possible, my husband and I wanted to have a sibling for our daughter. My dreams were coming true. Well, from all of the laporoscopies, the pregnancy, etc. - my body had just suffered too much and a year and a half after having my daughter, I had to have a hysterectomy. Of course I was devastated, however I also felt that to make the best life for our one child, this needed to be done as I was in pain all the time and always in bed. I went through it and did go through a short period of time of sadness, yet once I started to feel better, I was glad that I did it - I was feeling great and was able to have a lot of energy for my daughter!!

It has now been a year and a half and for the past couple of months, I feel as though this hysterectomy is strangling me. The pain is setting in and I have been very depressed about not being able to have another child. I feel as though I lost such a huge part of ME and I don't know how to fix that. I have no one around me who has really experienced the same thing so it's hard to lean on others! I feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster, yet never returning completely happy. I'll be ok and then it's like someone turns a faucet on. The tears just flow.

I know that this is long and I'm sorry, I just figured I would give the full story. Looking for support and encouragement. Alls I keep getting told by people is "well, be glad that you have 1 child." While I understand that they are right, most of you will agree that it's not as easy as that.

Thank you for listening!!

blueyn27 - I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling and I am glad that you came here to share. There is absolutely nothing to apologize for... you are totally in the right place!

You are carrying alot of grief that really does need to be shared and expressed. In addition to sharing here, have you considered talking with a therapist? Someone who is there 100% to listen and help you find perspective on what a happy future looks like for you and your daughter? You are so right that it's NOT a simple thing.... you have grief over what you have lost and that is separate from the joy that you feel about your daughter.

When I was reading your post I also wondered if you journal your feelings at all? In the absence of people around you that you feel comfortable talking to about this, it might be helpful to you to put some words on paper, and reflect on that overtime?

I certainly don't have answers for you but I have lots of hugs, and I know that others will come along and share their thoughts as well.

Wishing you a very "up" day and weekend. Do something kind for yourself and have patience with "you" as you move through a very understandable and normal grieving process.

I am so sorry that you are still struggling emotionally. This is not an easy thing for anyone to go through whether they have already had children or not. Even women who were completely done having kids still feel a sense of loss after a hysterectomy and they mourn the loss of their fertility. It is one thing to make the choice yourself, but quite another to have the choice be made for you.

Please do not feel like you lost part of YOU. Yes, you lost a part of your body, but your uterus and other reproductive organs do not define who you are. They don't change the type of person you are.

I am so happy to hear that you got to have a beautiful baby girl!! What a miracle. I'm sure it was devastating when you found out you would not be able to give her a sibling. I do like your perspective on the whole thing though. You did what you had to do to make the best life possible for your little girl and that is so admirable!!

I still get sad at times too. I think I'm okay one day and the next, it just hits me....that this actually happened. That is why I love Hystersisters so much. I focus my energy on others here and it helps my aching heart to be able to help others through this awful journey. Please, do not feel like you don't have anyone to turn to...you can lean on us. I know we aren't sitting right beside you and we can only give you cyber hugs, but we KNOW what you are going through and sometimes just knowing you aren't alone makes you feel a little better.

Please be patient with yourself. It took your body time to heal physically after the hysterectomy...it is only natural that your heart take some time to heal as well. If you feel that you are falling into depression, please call your and let them know how you are feeling.

Again, please, lean on us. It is what we are here for. We will do our best to lift your spirits any way we can.

Thinking of you and sending you great big

Thanks ladies

Hello, I am new here and going through same feelings. I have a 5 yr old girl after the birth of her I started to have stomach issues ( which I thought) after 3 Dr finally found one that told me it's not my stomach it's my uterus is falling apart and right overie damaged.. I also have veins growing all around my overies.. I am currently on three month treatment to lower my estrogen levels then the date will be set for the hystro.. My emotions are out of control one day fine next day a mess.. It doesn't help that two of my friends are expecting.. I am sorry for the long post put this specific topic really touched on what I am going through.. I also have people telling me be happy you have a child.. I am very happy I have a child but I just want to scream that doesn't make this better.. Once again sorry it's so long just happy I found this site.. Thank You

Hi Blueyn27!
I know the feelings you going through. I also went through a hysterectomy in 2010 due to a c-section that went horribly wrong and it also where my first and only baby. After my hysterectomy I spent 3 weeks in hospital due to complications from the hysterectomy. Due to being ill I was robed from breast feeding and bonding with my baby. It has taken me all this time to bond with my beautiful daughter. I often find myself feeling very sad especially sad when you are suppose to be happy for your pregnant freinds and family.

Days when I feel sad for not being able to have a 2nd child I take the time to do something special with my daughter.

Only time will heal our sad hearts.

bluelyn

I am so sorry that your life took this turn.

Journalling is an excellent idea. However, if these feelings keep you from enjoying your life than you may be experiencing depression as well as grief.

Talk to your Dr about it and see if they can recommend some counsellors that you could 'interview' to find the right one. You may or may not need meds but having an impatial person to help you process these feelings could be an added resource for you. I have always had low grade anxiety and depression that didn't require meds. The cancer dx, surgical menopause and hyster triggered clinical depression luckily my counsellor recognized it and convinced me to try meds. We tried 3 different kinds to find ones that would only 'bring the floor up under me' and not cause bad side effects. After 3.5 years i have been able to go to a lower dose on my way to getting off of them.

You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life and daughter.