Can't stop crying.

I am scheduled for my hysterectomy July 2nd. I know it's the best thing for me but don't make it easier.
A little history. I've had problems with cyst and painful cycles since I was 12 years old. I was told I would probably never be able to have children. At a young age that caused be to do some crazy things I won't get into. I married at the age of 30 to a man that already had 3 children. So he really didn't want anymore. I thought great he'll understand. But I secretly never give up hope. He knew I struggled with this and reassured me it was ok however it turned out. In 2009 I had the worst pain ever! I had to have my right ovary and tube removed. Leaving still that small bit of hope. Had a major auto accident in October 09 and was told I'd never walk again. Also had complications from my recent surgery.
Well I was fine female wise until over a year ago! My problems returned with a vengenous. I had a complex cyst that never went away. But my doctor knew my emotional term oil. He let me make my decision after he said I need to have everything else removed. But in the end I know I have made the right decision but it don't make it any easier.
I can't stop crying I'm seriously making myself sick! If I hear one more person say well be thankful for what you have at 43 years old. Your alive! Or well you know you can always adopt or foster? That dont make me feel not one bit better!!!! Don't keep asking me why I'm crying all the time! After all everything is being ripped out and discarded as if it's nothing! I keep having vivid dreams of the throwing my parts in a trash can and hearing a baby crying. "no mommy don't let them throw me away" how will I ever get thru this!?
Sorry for the long post but I just feel like I'm slowly dying inside! I wanna scream! When I see a pregnant women!

Hi TeresaHippler,

I am so sorry to hear of your history and that you are going in for surgery in just a couple of weeks. You are a strong woman for making it through what you have and you will also heal from this. I'm glad that you found this site early and that you have a little bit of time to digest and prepare for what is coming.

I can relate to you in that I too was never able to have my own child. I can't tell you how many people through the years have told me I could always adopt. It was beyond frustrating and really didn't make it better at all.

Please if you need to. I pampered myself by buying the lotion filled, softest tissues I could find and planting them in every room of the house.

Please also talk to your about how you are feeling. They may have a suggestion to help you through this time. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace.

Teresa, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This surgery really takes its toll on everyone regardless of age or situation. It's normal to grieve for your loss but I know that doesn't make it any easier. I wish there was something I could say to you that would make this easier for you

Do you have someone you trust who you could reach out to? A trusted friend or family member? The waiting is absolutely the hardest part. Take things one day at a time sweetie and you will get through this. Keep coming here for support. This site has been a life saver for me with so many women here who truly do understand. Take care and remember to breathe. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for you to have a successful surgery and easy recovery.

Thank you ladies.
No I really have no one close to me that I can talk to.. I am 1000 miles away from all family. I really have no true friends here and I don't drive. My husband tries to understand but he's gone most of the time working. And everyone I call just don't understand. I won't talk to my mom about it because she has so much going on .
I even have to go thru the recovery part by myself most of the time. Since my husband has to return to work. All he can do is be there for me the day of surgery.

Well you are never alone here on HS!!! As Nonna4 said, take one day at a time and keep checking in here for support. We'll do our best to help you through this, but please keep your doctor informed on how you're feeling.

Hello TeresaHippler,

I too had the nightmares my uterus being thrown into the trash. I cried about it for a good month before my hysterectomy. Luckily, I have a therapist that helped walk me through my feelings, fears, anger, etc. This site is a blessing for me as well. Since the surgery, I haven't had the trash dream once. My surgeon showed me photos of my diseased organs after they were removed. I am so glad that he did. When I saw the extent of their damage and disease, I was SO glad that I took them out of my body. Do I grieve that I have lost them, yes. But I cannot imagine that any good could have ever happened from keeping them any longer than I did. Hang in there.

Thank you ladies! I know it's something I have to get done. I just have to get through the fact I will never ever be able to have a child. My doctor actually has a lady come in and talk to his patients about the grieving process.. I have a appointment tomorrow.

I am 51. I was never able to have children either. I know, more than anyone, the pain of it and yes, there are never words that can lend comfort. It's nice to have this forum because maybe our support of one another, though still such a sad topic, will make us not feel so alone. Back when I was trying to conceive 25 yrs. ago, it was such a hush hush thing. I didn't know anyone going through it. It was so isolating. And yes, the suggestions of adoption and not to mention how many times you are offered to be a godparent to someone's child in order to cure your maternal longings, were probably just as painful as the realism of not being able to have children. Although I will always grieve for it, my tears are fewer now. When I was 26, I ran into 2 couples who are the age I am now, and they were unable to have kids. They told me one day, I would cross over the bridge of tears and would find joy in other things. I had a few internal choice words for them, haha, but how I wish I could see them today. I have a beautiful life with my husband. We have furry children, travel and are enjoying life. Material doesn't take the place, but sometimes embracing what you can can be a saving grace in a strange way. I started yoga, and the mental and internal healing continues through that, along with the physical. When you get to a point where every once in a while you can get a giggle through your own misery, it will be like a breath of new life. Hold your stitches. Here goes. After my davinci, I was going through the normal uncomforts, catheter, gas, nausea and a sweet little nun came in to pray for me and....she.....asked.....where....my.....baby....was. You can't beat up a nun, right? I took the blessings because Lord knows I needed it. Then the next day, my hospital TV was on an entertainment channel focusing on Hollywood moms and how bad they had it to lose the weight. I couldn't reach the control to change the channel and just looked at my mom. She said, "Hun, do you want me to change the channel?". I said, "no, mom, that's okay. For some reason, I just can't change MY channels anyway."....... Well, did you smile??? God bless you. I promise there is light. Keep searching, it's there. Take care.

Lotus, What a wonderful post!

Teresa, I hope you are feeling better sweetie. As Meka said - you are not alone!

Sorry I disappeared. I've been keeping myself busy trying to get through it. I finally stopped trying to shelter my husband from seeing my pain. Just last night we talked for hours. Tears and all. He was having the same fears I was... he didn't know how to approach me because he saw my grieving. We are a couple that have always talked about everything but this issue just was different. I do feel better now having let it all out but the pain is still so real. I go today for my preop and surgery on the 2nd. I think tomorrow I'll experience a lot more emotional break down but as my mom always said "this too shall pass."
Lotus thank you for your kind words! They helped greatly. I too have my fur babies and a truly wonderful husband God truly blessed me with. I really started thinking I was the only one with the crazy thoughts, emotional break downs. But now I know I am quite normal Thank you ladies for that!