Want my life back

Hiya.. I had posted to the forum of road less traveled.. Because I had my lavh bso in October of 2001. But during the surgery I had complications.. The reason why I had this surgery because I had endometorsis. it had stuck all my organs together.. Before the hyst I was able to do some things like walk around, pick things up like milk or anything really, or just be a normal person sometimes. But when the pain from endo hit me I was down.. Now that I had the hyst and the complication from it since a kidney line got nicked and facing another surgery.. I am so much limited than before! :hair:
I really can't walk much, sit, pick things up at all, or even enjoy life.. I thought after the hyst I would be able to have a life and do things I love.. Like go bowling, walking, or even go back to the gym and work out also dancing in clubs.. I miss that so much! nightclubs.. I miss it!!!!. I just feel like my life has one thing after another and I am so tired of fighting.. It seems like I have been fighting ever since I have been born and now I feel like giving up. But I know I can't... It will take some time to get this taken care of and this past week I have somewhat gotten thru my head that my life is like this.. and I know will be taken care of.. But WHEN?????????
Well just wanted to vent... So... I am going to rest now..
thanks for this site!!! I am so happy that someone told me about this site..
Have a nice day or evening ladies!

Heather96

:ribbon2:

((((((((Heather))))))))))

Mountains, hills and valleys are very much a part of our lives, yet it would be nice not to have so many mountains in succession!
I know the pain and weariness of struggling,stumbling and falling back down that mountain or reaching the summit only to discover a sheer cliff and a narrow valley leading to another mountain.

Its queer that we feel stronger when we know a trial is coming, for we have mentally and emotionally prepared for it. However, when the hardship surprises us or confirms a pattern of heartache, we can become quite despondent and overwhelmed. The array of emotions we experience is suffocating. I have tried to figure out why some people seem to breeze through life while others are reluctant to get out of bed in the morning for fear of what the day may hold. Pain, heartache, loneliness, devastation, things we have been conditioned to expect.

I try to think of how a mountain is formed( this is the logical side of me. lol) and as I think about it there are amazing paralles between our life struggles and its formation.
First, you have the possiblity of a violent earthquake or eruption forcing a crack or bending of the earths surface. Then it pushes the Earth upward in a phenomenal geological event. It is violent, destructive and it changes the earths surface forever. This first one I equate to the major upheavals in life and to those lives which are like flashes in the pan. Short, hot and having a huge impact on history.. Secondly, a Mountain can begin as small mound of dirt and rocks.Perhaps, a series of fallen cities piled on top of one another. With time and natural ecological events the mountain grows peacefully and with little disturbance to the surrounding area. It grows through erotion by wind and water and rock weathering until it becomes a nice sized hill which enjoys a peaceful existence. Granted, you may have a sheep come and poop on you now and again, but its a nice existence just the same. After thousands of years, it has grown into a mighty, formidable mountain which is majestic, it also bares the scars of growth. People come everyday to look at it and wonder if they can climb it. Some walk away in defeat, others peer beyond the clouds and see the peak and want to get there as fast as they can. These people start using all their energy up in the first few hundred feet then, weary they give up. People like you and I see the scars the mountain bares and feel compassion for it because we know the pain the old wounds must have caused for the old mountain. We approach the mountain with trepidation and begin to ascend. As soon as our flesh touches the cold and jagged stone we are filled with fear and panic. We want to run away but we don't because we must know why the mountain kept going, even in the face of hardships. We must know this answer and it lies at the top. We slip several times and sometimes we fall down a crevice in the mountain where it is dark , cold and damp. It beckons us to stay but we refuse to give up although our tendons are on fire, our minds are racing and each breath is labored due to our sobbing. You keep going getting closer and closer to the summit experiencing horrific hardships along the way. You see frozen bodies whose faces are contorted into a grotesque image of pure agony. Their pale icy eyes seem to ask you to give up because they have failed they want you to stay down with them. You persist and fall prey to worry, doubt, hunger, sorrow and heartache . Huge bolders with the question WHY? on them are hurling at you from the unseen crest. You deal with all of them knocking them out of the way and burst through the dense layer of clouds. Your hands are sliced from the sharp and treacherous climb. Your limbs are numb and you spirit is flickering. You reach out and and take the final step. The view is breath taking and you look downwards and wonder how you made it. You see droves of people passing the mountain by and others slipping into the crevices and staying there. Why didn't you give up? What was so important that you kept going?
You didn't give up! Your arms and legs are so strong. Your lungs can take in full breaths to appreciate the clear, clean, crisp air. Your eyes are sharp, you can see so clearly that the pain in anothers heart is very visible to you. Your heart is beating furiously in your chest letting you know that your lifes blood still courses in your veins. You are alive! You can face anything now. It wasn't the peak afterall, it was the journey up the mountain that led you to acceptance, determination, self love and the ability to love others. You won! You won.
I believe that we all have life altering choices which allows us to climb further or to plummet down the cliffs. You see, its not a series of mountains but one large mountain with many crevices and layers that must be overcome. Some people choose to go the straight and easy path while we must climb to the summit.

We are better people for the effort. Don't give up! I am throwing you rope. Remember, you are a phenomenal woman who will make it through anything, if you choose to see yourself as worth the fight. I will be praying for you as you struggle to answer unanswerable questions and coming to terms with the circumstances of your life and then deciding to climb over those circumstances! You are so worth the fight.

Hugs and Prayers,

It took me 6 months to feel just a little like my old self. Prior to the surgery, I worked out and was pretty active. It takes a long time to recover from this surgery and you had a very difficult one. It is not almost 7 months for me and I have gone back to exercise and it is hard, but I'm able to do it. I lost a lot of muslce mass because of the long recovery and the hormonal imbalance.

Please have hope that you will get better. It just takes time.
I'll be thinking of you.
Eileen

Dear Heather96,

I just found your message - and am not surprised that 2 people on opposite sides of the world could have similiar experiences.

I suffered from endo for 10 years - tried every known progesterone and GNRH drug available in Australia - but nothing worked. I had to wait until I turned 40 before I could find a doctor to do the hysterectomy. I thought once I had the deed done - then I would be able to resurrect my career, travel and generally have a life.

Not yet - the LAVH was done at the end of July 2001 and I am still not working, still having to take things slowly as I don't have a lot of energy, my blood pressure has risen a lot and I have put on weight. I am currently adjusting to HRT - and finding the most effective treatment is an interesting way to spend time.

The reason I mention these things is to let you know that you are not alone - that there are many sisters here who will support you and reassure you that you are not going crazy and that you will make it through - because I know that they have helped me.

Anyway, I send you love and positive thoughts

Oh my goodness, Chris! You had your lavh in July and you still can't go back to work and still feel tired. Did you have any complications with your surgery? I am just past the 4 week mark from lavh-bso and am still worn down and get really sore after doing the simplest thing. I was hoping things would get better. I am going to have my blood tested in a couple weeks to see if I am still low on iron. That is why I had the hysterectomy, because of heavy bleeding and adenomyosis, anemia. Are you anemic also.

I am also getting tired of not being able to function normally. 4 weeks is a long time, six months must seem like forever.

I will keep you all in my prayers so that we all feel better really soon.

Diane

Dear Heather96,
I emphathize with your feelings about being a fighter all of your life. I was born weighing 1 lb. 6 oz. I am 46 years old, will be 47 in April. During that time period the odds of a 4 month preemie surving was nil. My mom and dad had alot of faith and refused to believe that I could give up. My dad said that he could hold me in the palm of his hand. My dad was in his 50's when I was born, my mom was 20.) My dad passed away at 93 1/2 and my mom is now 67. Their marriage survived at insurmountable odds, but they made it.) Anyhow, at the age of 5 I developed allergies and asthma. I was sent to Johns Hopkins at 12 and tested for allergies. To make a long story short, I've lived with this disease for years. It went into a dormant stage for about 15 years then when I was 39, it returned with a vengance. I am very disciplined about taking 6 medications a day, 3 inhalers, and shots every two weeks. Flu & pollen season in Florida is a time I dread with a passion. Usually I am put on Prednisone to recover a bad bout. Give Up? Yes, I had thought about it. Scared, yes. Last year when I had a bad bout of bronchitis, it dawned on me that I could actually die from this disease. I have a loving family and good friends. My faith and my family have made my life worth living. Now, I am preparing myself for another hurdle TAH/BSO on March 25. I know that this time of year is bad for me and I may have to postpone due to Asthma, but I will deal with that when the time comes. Please fight and NEVER Give Into your feelings of despair. We all have mountains to climb and with faith and family we can overcome. Like my dad used to say, Put your faith in God's hands and HANG ON!

Hi everyone! Just wanted to say thank you all for the responds.. I had been out of work for about 2 1/2 weeks due to the pain and my Short Term disablitity got denied.. I am not worried about it.. For when I had my hysterectomy and had the complications and needed to stay out longer my short term got rejected for my GYN didn't send info of what he did to me.
I have been thru a lot and it seems I go over a lot of mountains to get where I am.. I guess that is why I am fighter.. I have always been.. I mean not only is my health not so good my family life hasn't been great either.. something I rather not discuss but God knows what it is..
I had a breakdown finally this past Saturday night I was so angry about everything and this one person that died when I was 11 years old on my birthday who was my wonderful great grandfather that I miss so much.. (I will be 29 soon) I just wish he could have fought and stayed but I know it was his time to go.. I was very close to him and I know I wasn't close to God.
A year after my grandfather's death I started going to church and found God.. : )
Anyway, he is with me just that I need to be there.. which I haven't... Well I am happy because this Tuesday which will be today for some people Jan 29th I am going to the second urologsit and I have a good feeling about it : )
Keep me in your prayers ladies.. I have a good feeling about it : )

Hugs!!!
Heather