Childless...

What kind of a spiteful, grumpy, monster of a person begrudges another for announcing that they are having a baby or going to be a grandparent? I guess that would be “my” kind. I’m not doing it on purpose. I honestly love kids, seeing preggos waddling through the store and the smell of a newborn baby.

I honestly thought I was past this point of soul tearing, cry your eyes out, feel your heart pounded upon like a snare drum, down and out misery, but I guess I’m not. Maybe it’s the hormones talking. Oh, who am I kidding, I know it’s just me, deep down inside knowing that I will never know that feeling. I’ll never feel the flutter of life in my body. I’ll never look at that child and know that he or she is a part of me. I will never know the fear of the world for my child. And I’ll never know the sheer joy of holding my grandchild.

I’m insanely jealous when you get right down to it. Jealous of something that I know I can never possess. Knowing that no matter what I do, how hard I pray, beg, plead… I will never know.

I honestly thought I was over this. When I couldn’t get pregnant in my 20s I was devastated. Especially when all my friends started popping up pregnant, with their first, then second, then third… etc. Each time I heard the news I squealed with joy with them, then went home and cried my eyes out. I lost weight, gained weight, ate right, monitored my cycle, tracked my temp, etc. I begged God to please bless me. I cursed God for not hearing me. I bargained with God saying that I’d do this or not do that. He just wouldn’t listen.

I went into a severe depression. I took it out on my husband. Somehow I figured it HAD to be his fault. After all this time, I still really don’t know what was wrong. I think I was too afraid to find out that it was me all along. That I was somehow dysfunctional.

After a time, I finally came to grips with things. I could see a commercial with a happy newborn family and not cry and run to the freezer for frozen dairy comfort. I could look at myself in the mirror and be willing to look into my own eyes and realize that it was going to be ok. I wasn’t cursed.

I had myself convinced that God had really actually blessed me without having kids because I could do what I wanted to with my life without having to lug around a screaming, snotty little mutant. I figured that if I’d had a child that my life would be so horribly different and we just “can’t have that”. I told myself a myriad of things to make it through. Lying to myself to make it better.

Now, as I am quickly approaching 40, I thought I had this monster licked. But hearing that a gal I went to school with is now pregnant, for the third time; seeing that my friends and co-workers are expecting grandkids; watching the young women of the world with ever swelling tummies ready to bring forth their child in this crazy and unexpected world… I get those old feelings back.

I want to scream, cry, shout and curse the world for leaving me out. Isn’t childbirth the expectation and joy of every woman? It is an experience that I am still trying to accept as having to live vicariously through others.

Why not me?

Hi LightBulbDiva,

I am so truly sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time right now. Please do talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. From my experience, I can say that a lot of the feelings that you are having are normal for what you've been through and for this point in your recovery. I felt like you for about a month or so. You need to give yourself the time to grieve this loss of fertility and your womb. Cry if you need to and visit us often here on HS and we'll do our best to help you through it.

Like you, I too was unable to have a baby of my own. My husband and I tried for years to conceive and I knew in my heart that something wasn't right, but the doctors don't immediately cut a person open to see if something is wrong. So we did ALL of the fertility tests and the "common" fertility treatments (monthly blood checks, temperature checks, ovulating charts, clomid...you name it we tried it). After a while, the doctor decided to do laparoscopic surgery and determined that I had endometriosis. My OB-GYN did the best she could do to remove what she could and then she referred us to a specialized infertility treatment center. We traveled for hours each time we went and it was miserable!!!

In the meantime, my nephews were growing up in front of me, my friends and cousins were all having babies, and everyone around me would throw their in here and there about how we could always adopt.

We got to a point in about my late 30's that we sort of gave up on the treatments and just decided to live our lives and if it happened it happened. I pretended that it didn't bother me and focused all of my energy into my work, but deep down, every time another friend announced their pregnancy...I'd cry just a little inside, and always wondered..."why not me"?

Last year I turned 40 and that was also the year of my hysterectomy. When my mentioned that a hyster was an option for me, I actually felt in a way happy, because now I'd be able to move on from the pain of wondering...will this be the month? Maybe....just maybe????

The feeling of loss after this surgery hit me like a ton of bricks and there was nothing I could do but to feel it and get through it. Which is what you are doing now.

You are not a spiteful grumpy person at all...this is a very hard thing to accept. And you are not alone!!! There are many of us who understand. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself this time to grieve, and please talk to your if you feel overwhelmed. They are there to help you with the physical healing but also the emotional healing too.

	Quote:
Originally Posted by LightBulbDiva What kind of a spiteful, grumpy, monster of a person begrudges another for announcing that they are having a baby or going to be a grandparent? I guess that would be “my” kind. I’m not doing it on purpose. I honestly love kids, seeing preggos waddling through the store and the smell of a newborn baby. I honestly thought I was past this point of soul tearing, cry your eyes out, feel your heart pounded upon like a snare drum, down and out misery, but I guess I’m not. Maybe it’s the hormones talking. Oh, who am I kidding, I know it’s just me, deep down inside knowing that I will never know that feeling. I’ll never feel the flutter of life in my body. I’ll never look at that child and know that he or she is a part of me. I will never know the fear of the world for my child. And I’ll never know the sheer joy of holding my grandchild. I’m insanely jealous when you get right down to it. Jealous of something that I know I can never possess. Knowing that no matter what I do, how hard I pray, beg, plead… I will never know. I honestly thought I was over this. When I couldn’t get pregnant in my 20s I was devastated. Especially when all my friends started popping up pregnant, with their first, then second, then third… etc. Each time I heard the news I squealed with joy with them, then went home and cried my eyes out. I lost weight, gained weight, ate right, monitored my cycle, tracked my temp, etc. I begged God to please bless me. I cursed God for not hearing me. I bargained with God saying that I’d do this or not do that. He just wouldn’t listen. I went into a severe depression. I took it out on my husband. Somehow I figured it HAD to be his fault. After all this time, I still really don’t know what was wrong. I think I was too afraid to find out that it was me all along. That I was somehow dysfunctional. After a time, I finally came to grips with things. I could see a commercial with a happy newborn family and not cry and run to the freezer for frozen dairy comfort. I could look at myself in the mirror and be willing to look into my own eyes and realize that it was going to be ok. I wasn’t cursed. I had myself convinced that God had really actually blessed me without having kids because I could do what I wanted to with my life without having to lug around a screaming, snotty little mutant. I figured that if I’d had a child that my life would be so horribly different and we just “can’t have that”. I told myself a myriad of things to make it through. Lying to myself to make it better. Now, as I am quickly approaching 40, I thought I had this monster licked. But hearing that a gal I went to school with is now pregnant, for the third time; seeing that my friends and co-workers are expecting grandkids; watching the young women of the world with ever swelling tummies ready to bring forth their child in this crazy and unexpected world… I get those old feelings back. I want to scream, cry, shout and curse the world for leaving me out. Isn’t childbirth the expectation and joy of every woman? It is an experience that I am still trying to accept as having to live vicariously through others. Why not me?

Diva, I'm so sorry! I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I only have a little bit of that problem. I wish we could have had a second, I will never get to braid my daughter's hair or help her pick out a prom dress. I'll never get to see my husband wrapped around her little finger.

Nowhere in your post do you mention getting a pro to help you out. I'm not talking surrogate, I'm talking counselor. You are strong, but if you had a broken leg, you'd get a cast and crutches, for a little while. If the transmission went out on your car, you'd take it to a mechanic, even if you were a decent mechanic.

I lost my Mom two years ago to uterine cancer, Leiomyosarcoma. My heart continually breaks whenever I think about it. I WISH she were still around, I WISH she had gotten a hysterectomy before the cancer grew, but she didn't. I am a nurse, I should be used to it, or better equipped to get over it, right? WRONG! I found myself screaming at traffic, getting downright honkerblonkED when people talked about Mother's day, and I finally saw a counselor. Took me a while.

Please keep talking here, but really, go see a counselor, too. Giving your grief an outlet can help you enjoy other's victories down the road.

Diva, I completely understand everything you said...It felt like I was reading something that I wrote in fact. I am scheduled for July 16, and I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that there won't be a little me, or a little guy that looks just like my husband.
He and I tried so long to have our own, and like you, did it all, drugs, ugh. We even went so far as to try invetro with no "yeah" moment. I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now, but I am with everyone else, I do think you need to maybe consider talking to a counselor.
I am starting to think that I too might have your same concerns when I am going through my recovery process.

Please know that we are all thinking about you and hoping you can come to terms with what you have been dealt. And know that eventhough God didn't see fit to give you a child, maybe there is another plan he has for you. That is what I keep telling myself, over and over again, I tell myself this. Have faith sister!!!

Meka40 - I totally understand what you mean about the relief of not "wondering" anymore. It's been a bigger relief than I thought it could be, even though a somewhat sad relief.

Alsoanurse & Mee1976 - I have gone to counseling for this is in the past and I continue to pray about it. I know that my hormones are highly out of whack right now and it brought so many things to the surface.

Everyone, thank you so much for the concern. I'm so thankful I found this site. The support here makes this so much easier, knowing that others understand what I'm going through.

I just had to get it out of my head. Does that make sense? After verbally vomiting my thoughts, I felt a sense of peace and a sigh of relief. It's even better knowing that I'm not crazy and others have the same feelings and thoughts.

I firmly believe that God does everything for a reason, and it is not my place to question. I've been lucky to have been a part of my step-daughter's lives for nearly 20 years, was able to help my bestie with her oldest son for a bit while she was dealing with some major issues, and have been able to care for and love many kiddos throughout the years. Maybe that was His plan for me. If I had kids of my own, I wouldn't have been able to make a difference in the lives of the kids that I've been blessed to know and love.

I am going to try to find a counselor once I'm up and at 'em again. There have been so many things happening lately and I feel overwhelmed and in over my head.

My best friend of 25+ years (and lives all the way across the country from me) has, for the third time, been diagnosed with cancer. This time there is nothing they can do. She has stage 4 renal cell carcinoma and it is in her bones now. At this point it is just a matter of time. The "best guess" at this point due to how fast it is spreading, is possibly 18 months, but more than likely less.

Her husband is in third stage renal failure and due to other issues, cannot be put on a transplant list. She has two boys...18 & 13. She and her husband have set up a trust and have designated custody of the 13 year old to me when my best friend passes. I am honored and saddened by this. It's been set up this way for both boys since birth, and I agreed to it. I've been prepared for the possibility with the first two "Big C" scares, but knowing now that it's a reality, instead of a possibility is a little more daunting, but I know that I can and will do it.

With my current "hormonal hurricane", it is just rather overwhelming. But, with prayer, love and support, I'm doing ok. I'm focusing on getting myself better so that I can help fortify against the coming emotional battle. Being able to come here and get it out of my head helps immensely.

May God bless each of you.

OH, Diva! You have been severely beaten about the head and shoulders, emotionally speaking!

Please know that we are here to support you! It really does help with sadness to share and receive support. I've spent (probably too much) time on here today because of my own personal pity-party. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor.

God has a place in His plan for you. I think you are there. <<Hugs>>

Alsoanurse... thank you! I think everyone is allowed pity parties from time to time. Enjoy yours and I hope you feel better soon!

I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but sometimes I wish God had a little less faith in me! lol If it wasn't for laughter, I'd have been in a straightjacket by now.

Love and laughter to all!

Lightbulbdiva, I know how you feel - you keep hoping and trying and wishing and then suddenly the rug is pulled out from under your feet and it's too late. I thought I'd got over it - I take comfort in the time I spend with my brothers' and sister's kids etc. - then today a friend announced that he and his wife are expecting twin girls and he doesn't know how they'll cope with two babies .... I wanted to yell 'well give one to me then'!
You sound like a strong person and I know you'll get through this, just like I will - we're made tough we ladies, we have to be! Come back here to rant when you need to - I think that's one of the things that's helped save my sanity!
ChristinaXX

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Originally Posted by LightBulbDiva Alsoanurse... thank you! I think everyone is allowed pity parties from time to time. Enjoy yours and I hope you feel better soon! I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but sometimes I wish God had a little less faith in me! lol If it wasn't for laughter, I'd have been in a straightjacket by now. Love and laughter to all!

I haven't been able to document it yet, but I heard a quote that was attributed to Mother Theresa:

"I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much sometimes!"

I need to put it on a pretty wall plaque and read it often

LightBulbDiva,

Wow, you sure do have a lot that you're dealing with right now. I'm sorry to hear about your best friend and her husband. What a scary thing for the boys to have to deal with loosing both of their parents. They are going to need a lot of support and they will be lucky to have you.

Hang in there...we are all here for you!!