Completely heartbroken

I've avoided posting because I my heart aches so badly. I'm just over a week post op and am physically doing really well. Emotionally ... I'm a wreck. The finality of the decision I made has really affected me. All my life I've wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I know there are ways to be a mom without a uterus but I've only ever thought that I would experience all of motherhood. I'm really disappointed that this dream will never happen. My heart aches so badly. I don't know how to climb this mountain and I feel so alone in the journey. Will this ache ever stop? I don't know how to let others help me with this very personal struggle. Today has been a really bad day.

(((((HUGS))))) I am sorry that you are going through this! I also had always dreamed about being a Mom and that also never happened for me. You need to let yourself grieve the loss of your dream because without the grieving there can be no healing, but you cant let the grief consume you. I know that is easier said than done. You are not alone. There are alot of us that have gone through the same thing and the same feelings. They are hard feelings to deal with. Maybe some counseling would help you get the greiving out? Sometimes just talking it out with someone that understands helps. Just know that you are not alone. Read some of the other threads in this area and you will see that few of us know exactly what you are going through. Again, another hug your way! ((((HUG)))))

Waitinglady is so right!! You are not alone!! I think that knowledge in itself helped me so much. Read other threads on this forum and see how many women are feeling some of the same things you are and are there waiting to help support you through this grief filled time. Yes everyone's journey is different, but we are linked by a common bond of the disappointment of never knowing the joys of being a biological parent. I say biological because I think through our own personal journeys we have found that being a parent means so much more than just giving birth to a child.

As waitinglady said, give yourself time to grieve and hopefully heal. Work it out what you need to for yourself and post here and often. I know that is what eventually gave me the peace I needed to go forward with my surgery recently. I still have momments of sadness and I go back to the thread I posted on frequently and re read both my posts and the posts of others and it helps me get through the rough spots. If it doesn't, I post and my hystersisters are there to help me through. Hope this helps and sending

Thanks for your kind words. I'm doing better today. I've gotten out of the house which has helped. I'm honestly not sure what I need most. My heart aches still. I just wish I could make my heart understand that my health is more important. I can feel myself closing doors to some of my thoughts and feelings and that road worries me some. I don't want to get stuck in this.

I am glad that you are feeling better. You need to think of yourself right now and not worry about anything else. Let yourself grieve and heal. You will have good days and you will have bad days. Soon the good will outnumber the bad. We are with you each step of the way!

My doctor asked me today how I was doing. I told him the truth, that the emotions are hard to process and extremely close to the surface. He said that one day, the good days will outnumber the bad. I believe that will happen but it's hard right now to really process that. I have to return to work tomorrow, part time, and I'm dreading the question of "how are you?". I just can't deal with everybody's emotions and my own. I'm glad it's just part time for now. At least I can leave if I need to.

All you need to worry about right now is yourself and getting through this rough time. I know that when you are in the middle of all the emotions that hearing it will get better doesn't help. If your anything like me, you truly can't imagine that day will come. It does, though... so keep reminding yourself that it will get better. Try to prepare yourself as best as you can for dealing with your own emotions and don't worry about dealing with anyone else's. This is one time in your life you are actually going to have to be selfish and worry about yourself and no-one else. There was a point that I had to start saying no to baby showers and going to see a "new" baby. I had to stop being the "people pleaser" that I am and think of myself. I refused to keep putting myself in painful situations where I had to suffer in silence. If you think a situation is going to make your pain or emothions worse then you have every right to remove yourself from the sitiation. Your true friends will understand and if they don't... they were not really friends at all. Be prepared for the thoughtless comments people will say, and don't feel guilty if you have to tell someone off for those thoughtless comments. You will feel better after if you get the point across that thier comment didn't help and in fact hurt and maybe the person will learn some tact.

I will be thinking of you today and sending hugs your way. Please let us know how it went!

First off a really BIG HUG to you Magspie!! It must be so hard, especially so when the head and the heart can't agree on how you are feeling. I am still pre-op and the two are in constant battle. I can only imagine how I will be afterwards. Let yourself grieve. The loss will remain but day by day you wil get better at coping with it, and I hope someday you find your peace. We are always here for you! Hugs again!

@ vampirequeen - wishing you the best in your upcoming surgery. It is hard when my head and heart disagree. Thanks for your kind words.
@ waitinglady - thanks for your support. I am a people pleaser and am trying really hard to put myself first. I'm trying to remember that I have a HUGE need right now. I'm glad you responded because it has given me some strength to face this first day. I'm about to head to work. I have my iPod and earphones handy just in case.

Sorry I missed your post before you went back to work. I myself went back on Monday. I know how you feel except I had some advantage that the vast majority of the people had no idea I had surgery. I live a long distance from where I work and only told a couple of people. I too was worried what the reaction would be when I returned, but it's not an issue for the most part. As a teacher and having been gone for the summer I dread the whole, what did you do this summer or how was your summer question. How exactly do I answer that one? I had all thought of ever having children taken from me? Something tells me that would be a conversation killer immediately. I am sure just like you I also still have some restrictions which are hard to explain away. I do have to laugh because the teacher across the hall from me does know and she has appointed herself my watchdog to make sure I don't do anything wrong. She might just drive me nuts. The emotions really haven't hit me yet, but am not really looking forward to either the return of the kids, they come back on Thursday, or a teacher I work pretty closely with who just had a baby. Not sure I will have the strength then not to break down. Pretty sure will be ok with the kids, not so much with the baby. Will depend on how the teacher handles everything. Hope things went ok at work today and thinking about you.