Feeling the loss

Hi all,

New to the site. Looking for some support as I'm grieving the loss of my uterus. I had a very traumatic emergency hysterectomy experience 10 months ago (Nov 2011) when I gave birth to my second child. My gyno spotted an abnormal growth on my fallopian tube prior to the birth and so a plan was made to have a C-section to remove both my baby and growth.

D Day came and what was meant to be a straightforward procedure quickly became highly complicated. They couldn't get the baby out because there was loads of scar tissue from my first emergency cesar (with my first child). They had to take my baby out with forceps through the uterine incision! And then the real 'fun' began. They sewed me up, everythign looked fine and I was sent through to post op recovery and later on, my maternity ward. When I got to the maternity ward, all my vital signs fell and they had to get me back down to surgery immediately because they suspected that I had internal bleeding that had to be rectified.

That night (i was told) i was in surgery for 5 hours. My husband was left waiting with my newborn baby and my 18mth old toddler not knowing what would happen to me. The surgical team tried 3 different procedures to stop the uterine bleeding but nothing worked until the fourth procedure (it was some sort of 'balloon' structure to support my uterus wall while it contracted). It was touch and go for me. I went into ICU and stayed under for 24 hours and when I awoke things didnt look good. I was still bleeding a little at first but then it got worse and it was then when they told me they had to give me a hysterectomy to save me. I couldn't stop crying. I was so frightened. I wasnt sure if my body could cope with a third surgery in 48 hours and I hadn't seen my baby or my toddler. I was afraid that I wasnt going to make it. Plus I wasn't finished growing my family!! My husband cried with me, the nurses cried with me, my gyno cried with me (albeit quit controlled, bless him). That was the darkest moment in my life. Going into surgery, having to be put under and not knowing if I was going to wake up. Letting go was hard. Thankfully the hysterectomy was successsful and I remained in ICU for another 4 days and was able to leave the hospital after 2 weeks.

I healed well with no longstanding issues which was fortunate.
Alot of people tell me I'm blessed. I survived it, I have my two beautiful babies and wonderful husband. And I am truly grateful too but I need help. Theres a big part of me that mourns for my loss. Seems trivial to be saying so but the pain is real to me. My husband and I were planning for a third child before all this and I'm gutted I'll never have that baby. Plus I still feel like I know so little about what will happen to my body. I have constant headaches and I'm not sure if thats to do with the lack of sleep (thanks to DD2) or because of the hysterectomy.

I'm hoping there is someone out that perhaps has had a similar experience and can share their experience with me. Feeling very alone right now. I have lots of lovely friends but none who can really understand what I'm going through.

Here's to hoping!!

Hi, I am new as of tonight to this site looking for answers too, I have a doctor appointment tomorrow to schedule my Hysterectomy and I have many questions, so stumbling through this site I seen your post, I am 46 yo and my child bearing days are over and frankly I am fine with that, but I wanted you to know that I have two beautifull daughters now 24, and 20 years old, but God put a Son into my life 9 years ago I got him when he was 6mo old and even though bilogically he is not mine, I fill no different about him at all there is absolutelly no diffrence I still have the bond , the Love the care, the concerns, the worries, and the dreams for him as I have for my two biological children and they have embraced him and accepted him as his brother, so with that said just because you dont have the physical ability to carry another child, you certainly have the God given ability to accept and raise another child it has its own seperate rewarding feeling in itself, so if your need to have another child continues please consider this option, it has been a precious blessing for us as well as with out us he would not have had much of a chance in life, I hope this comforts you in some way and I will keep youinmy prayers, Thank God you are OK to raise the two blessings you have!

Hi PurpleMika and Twharton,

I had a hysterectomy in 2009 and am 34yrs old. I've never had children. I've known that since I was a child as I always had a feeling that I couldn't. Today I went to a party and this lady came straight from the hospital to the party with her 3 day old. She wasn't happy but her husband wanted to show off the baby as it was his first. Anyways, I stared at the little baby and it was so beautiful.
I just got home about 10 minutes ago from driving around town. I came home with tears as I feel like I'm not marketable anymore as I'm not married. But I know those are all lies. I can't tell you Purple that it will get easier but I learned from a woman who I met who was my support during my hyst that you have to learn to push the thoughts back. That they will always be there. I never wanted my own children till I was told I couldn't. But I still wish that I had been able to. When I saw the little 3 day old baby today I wanted to just hold it and love it. But, it's not mine. There is a guy that I have been talking to and he has a daughter who's 8. So I've been praying as she doesn't have a mother. So perhaps God is opening doors for me, as this is my childhood's bestfriend's cousin. I went on a dating website and happened to get matched up with him which was extremely odd as he just moved back to my hometown and started going to the same church I just started going to again. So God has ways of working things out. I'll say a prayer for you as I know the Lord is looking on you and many others with compassion and love.

I just realized you had your hyst on my birthday.

Thanks Twharton and Lilyrose3 for your support. I found some comfort in your words. These days that's gold to me.

Twharton, I burst out crying when you mentioned your son. I had considered adopting long before I had my own children (as I believe there are so many children out there that need love. I was one of them) I had just forgotten all about it, being wrapped up in this gried (Its not an emotion I'm confortable with and I really do want to 'shake' it off) Only because I believe theres so much life to live still. I found encouragement in your story. I don't have family and my in laws (as wonderful as they are) have never been kindly with the idea of adoption so I was never going to get any support there anyway. If you get this read this, I hope to hear more about how your son came into your life. And good luck with your hysterectomy. I hope it works out alright for you.

Lilyrose, I hope things pan out well for you with this guy you mentioned. It certainly sounds kismet. And I've definitely taken onboard the 'pushing back' on painful thoughts. Alot easier said than done but I'm sure I'll get better at it in time. I guess I just didn't have time to think about my emotions in the first few months after having my baby and its all hit me now like a tsunami wave. I really hope things work out for you and you get what you want.

take care!!!

Hi PurpleMika,

Sometimes it will hit you like a tsunami wave. You might feel fine for a long time and then something will trigger the feelings/emotions all over again. I've just learned to accept that it will happen and to be okay with it either way. As for adoption, I've always wanted to do it as well as I took my class 2 yrs ago now and am just waiting to do my homestudy. But I am trying to make sure I am the best I can be first. Much support to you.

	Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleMika Hi all, New to the site. Looking for some support as I'm grieving the loss of my uterus. I had a very traumatic emergency hysterectomy experience 10 months ago (Nov 2011) when I gave birth to my second child. My gyno spotted an abnormal growth on my fallopian tube prior to the birth and so a plan was made to have a C-section to remove both my baby and growth. D Day came and what was meant to be a straightforward procedure quickly became highly complicated. They couldn't get the baby out because there was loads of scar tissue from my first emergency cesar (with my first child). They had to take my baby out with forceps through the uterine incision! And then the real 'fun' began. They sewed me up, everythign looked fine and I was sent through to post op recovery and later on, my maternity ward. When I got to the maternity ward, all my vital signs fell and they had to get me back down to surgery immediately because they suspected that I had internal bleeding that had to be rectified. That night (i was told) i was in surgery for 5 hours. My husband was left waiting with my newborn baby and my 18mth old toddler not knowing what would happen to me. The surgical team tried 3 different procedures to stop the uterine bleeding but nothing worked until the fourth procedure (it was some sort of 'balloon' structure to support my uterus wall while it contracted). It was touch and go for me. I went into ICU and stayed under for 24 hours and when I awoke things didnt look good. I was still bleeding a little at first but then it got worse and it was then when they told me they had to give me a hysterectomy to save me. I couldn't stop crying. I was so frightened. I wasnt sure if my body could cope with a third surgery in 48 hours and I hadn't seen my baby or my toddler. I was afraid that I wasnt going to make it. Plus I wasn't finished growing my family!! My husband cried with me, the nurses cried with me, my gyno cried with me (albeit quit controlled, bless him). That was the darkest moment in my life. Going into surgery, having to be put under and not knowing if I was going to wake up. Letting go was hard. Thankfully the hysterectomy was successsful and I remained in ICU for another 4 days and was able to leave the hospital after 2 weeks. I healed well with no longstanding issues which was fortunate. Alot of people tell me I'm blessed. I survived it, I have my two beautiful babies and wonderful husband. And I am truly grateful too but I need help. Theres a big part of me that mourns for my loss. Seems trivial to be saying so but the pain is real to me. My husband and I were planning for a third child before all this and I'm gutted I'll never have that baby. Plus I still feel like I know so little about what will happen to my body. I have constant headaches and I'm not sure if thats to do with the lack of sleep (thanks to DD2) or because of the hysterectomy. I'm hoping there is someone out that perhaps has had a similar experience and can share their experience with me. Feeling very alone right now. I have lots of lovely friends but none who can really understand what I'm going through. Here's to hoping!!

I have not been through your situation and I cannot begin to understand your loss but I am sorry for you and hope that time will heal you.