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Living up to unreasonable standards? Living up to unreasonable standards?

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Unread 02-25-2002, 08:17 AM
Living up to unreasonable standards?

Hello all. I am a mess today.

My surgery date is just 11 days away. Still no news from DH about his emergency leave. As a matter of fact, I haven't talked to him since yesterday morning, and then it was for about 5 minutes. We usually talk twice a day for about and hour or more at a time. I know he is busy, or his ISP is down (he has problems with that), or maybe he isn't feeling good, or has a problem with one of his soldiers...the list could go on and on.. I worry about him so much when he is away. I could really go for hearing his voice right about now.

Yesterday I found out that my cousin passed away. Her funeral is wednesday. She is so much better off now, no longer suffering, but I am selfish. I wish she were still here.

I am staying with my mother while my DH is in Korea. I thought it would be great being here with her so I could have a little help when I need it. And I do get some help for which I am very thankful. I just wish that my Mom didn't expect me to be just like her. Allow me to explain.....

She had a hyst about 27 years ago. My father was not the most supportive of when she came home from the hospital she had to resume all her duties, none if which were done while she was away at the castle. Needless to say, she expects me to do the same thing. She is actually offended that my DH is coming home for this. She told me that I wouldn't need any help after the first few days and that I was just being lazy.

Needless to say that still hurts

I am now being told that its stupid for me to be nervous about the surgery. In her POV if I am nervous I must not be hurting too bad or I would just be relieved to get it over with.

Now, I hate to whine, but I feel so much pressure here. I don't know what to do or what to say. She was like this while I was growing up, too. But now, it is just so alien to me. So hurtful that she would get angry at me and insult me for being honest and following doctor's orders. I just don't know what to do or how to feel about it all. I have contemplated moving out, but I really do need the help. I have done this for so long that I am just worn out from doing it alone. (DH did a lot of field time at our last duty station)

My DH is so dear to me. After my surgery last spring, he took leave and was home with me until I was released by the doc. He really spoils me and makes sure that I am entirely ok. I am very lucky to have him in my life, and I try to show him that on a daily basis. I hope he knows it in his heart. I will be so thankful when he is here. At least then I will have someone encouraging me to heal right. Not to mention a shoulder to cry on when I need it, want it, or just because.

I just feel like crying at the oddest times. I avoid the subject with my Mom like the plague because it is so hurtful to hear the nasty things she says. Yesterday she got up and went to bed at lunch to take a nap while I laid on the couch and cried from the pain in my side. She is very resentful for anything she does for me. And when I do things myself, she tells me I am lieing if I say that I am in pain. What's a woman to do?

She is actually angry that I am not taking care of her, that it has been the other way around. I feel like an outsider in my childhood home. I just hope that time passes quickly between now and our next duty station. That's all I know to do.

Sorry this is so long....I just needed to vent a little before I go crazy. I have tried talking to her about it, but she just sets her jaw and tells me I'm an idiot if I believe everything the doctor tells me or if I am nervous about the surgery. She just gets angry so talking with her about it is not really an option. Unless I want to argue, and I am just not one to do that.

Thanks to anyone who reads this whole tantrum here. LOL
I guess I will stop ranting now...
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Unread 02-25-2002, 08:40 AM
Living up to unreasonable standards?

I am glad you got that off your chest. You are normal; she is unreasonable and sounds self-centered. I am sorry you are having to deal with it now when you are going through all the other issues, hormonal, emtional and physical. Try to let it roll right off and know there are others who are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers! As my dad would say, keep your chin up!
Unread 02-25-2002, 09:06 AM


Your mom and mine could be evil twins! LOL. I know what you are going through, and I am sorry you are not getting the support you need right now. Believe me, this website is the best place to vent your frustrations, the ladies here totally understand. You need to take care of yourself, and you will need help after your surgery. Things are a lot different now than they were 27 years ago. My mom can't understand why I listen to my (They don't know anything, they are men etc.) I just gently let my mom know that my Dr. went to school for many years to get to where he is today, and when she gets her M.D., and starts practicing medicine, she might have a voice on the subject. Listen to your Dr. I hope your DH can come home soon to help you. I am sending you a big. Take care sweetie and feel free to vent your frustrations here anytime, again the ladies here are wonderful.

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Unread 02-25-2002, 09:41 AM
Living up to unreasonable standards?


I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. I know how dramatic mother/daughter baggage can be!

I understand that you are fearful of going through this, but I really don't think that your mom's home is the best place for you! She's not helping you by treating you this way!

Please consider making some other plans. If you will not get the support, care, and nurturing you will need, you may be better off by yourself until your DH can get home. Just something to consider!

Keep posting and reading and we're all here for you 24/7!!!!!

Sending you HUGE hugs!

Unread 02-25-2002, 10:08 AM
Living up to unreasonable standards?

Hi Nakona, ,

I agree with there another way around this? If you are military, look into some resources that might be available. Wives of military used to have their own support team for loneliness, grief, illness, etc.

Sounds like you are in alot of pain so postponing is probably out.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I fully understand how comments and attitude from, "Mother" can send you over the edge. This will slow your recovery because of the mental anguish, that will come out in anger and tears. You will be doing for yourself just to avoid asking for help from her.

Please consider asking friends and neighbors for help...I agree with Karen, you'd be better off by yourself.

Please keep us up to date...wish I was there to help you.

Unread 02-25-2002, 10:12 AM
Living up to unreasonable standards?

Nakona, Karen is right. Other plans need to be made now while you can. If no-one else close is available, call on a neighbor or neighborhood church. Let them know you wouldn't if you didn't have to, but ask if they can help you stock up on some essentials and be there to drive you home and help you get settled if your husband is unable to make it in time (you don't even have to mention your mother). Keep calling until someone agrees to help you. If that is too uncomfortable, contact the hospital where you're having surgery and talk to their in-house social services department. They will make sure you have someone.

Once that's lined up, tell mom that you really don't want to be any imposition, so you'll call her when you feel well enough. And don't let any guilt-for-making-her-stew brew in you. She's not going to come around, and the last thing you need is the injury she risked post-op. She may have reason to be bitter over it and take her position in defense of the choice she felt she had to make when she went through it. But she has stepped somewhat into your father's shoes (sometimes the abused becomes the abuser ... part of the codependent thing), so hoping her estrogen will overpower that may be a futile hope.

I'm so glad you didn't marry one like I did the first time. My now dear husband, like yours, is my best caretaker ... so wonderful, such a different world. You truly will be in better hands with the social services folks in his absence than you could be in hers at this time. Please don't stay because you should be able to ... should-bes, could-bes, should-have-beens and could-have-beens are non-realities.

You're very level headed, and need to direct your own care ... you know you don't want to be abused into harming yourself. We love you, and want to hear back as soon as you can.
Unread 02-25-2002, 10:24 AM
Living up to unreasonable standards?

OH, Nakona!! to you girl!

I totally agree with the others, find a different place to recoop, your mom sounds like my mom!

Honest! When I was recovering from my first baby, a c-section she told me that I need to "pitch in" with things. I told her okay, once I'm back on my feet I will.

Hm, I will never live with my parents again. I learned that lesson...they treated me like I was 16 and pregnant with no hubby!

He was out to sea when all this was going on and I didn't tell him until he returned.

What would I do? Call your ombudsman. Let her know the situation and ask for help. I have been an "O" and I would get you some phone numbers of resources.

Military stuff happens, and I'm sorry your hubby isn't able to be with you on the phone or in person right now.

I know you are a strong person...keep that chin up can do it.

for the road!

Unread 02-25-2002, 11:36 AM
Living up to unreasonable standards?

I totally agree with the other women. I would be calling someone in the military to help. I'm sure they have groups that can help. I don't know who they would be but they must be there., and I would definately hit the high road. Your mother's attitude will be no good for you.

If you were closer I'd say come stay with me and we'll put my DH to work tending to 2 of us.
Unread 02-25-2002, 01:08 PM
Living up to unreasonable standards?

anaid....LOL!! THat was sweet to even think of it!

I have to say thank you, all of you, so much!!

I wish I could use the military support system, but as it is there is really no support nearby because I am not on post, or near a post for that matter. I had moved here wanting to be close to family after being gone for 7 years. (You never can really go home, folks) As soon as my DH gets his orders for PCS, we will be moving to his next duty station...wherever that may be.

I honestly hadn't thought of asking my friends and neighbors. After being out on my own so much, it is so important to be competely self-sufficient in any circumstance. I am still learning how to ask for help and how to not downplay my situation to keep friends and family from worrying about me. It's really a hard habit to break. I feel like a fool for not asking, but after having only myself and my DH to rely on for so long.....

Maybe I should give my best friend a call and see if she would mind taking my youngest to school for me for a day or two until DH comes home? Goodness knows I could use the break. Physical activity, especially getting out of a vehicle, seems to make the pain so much worse.

I wish I could move out, but then that would also cause some pretty hard feelings from my Mom. Not to mention, I don't know how I would move all of my stuff to another house. This last cycle of pain started about 3 weeks ago, and it still hasn't ended. I wish it would...I would like to go out and do a few things before I become royalty!

After all these years away, the way of life here in her house is so alien to me. I guess I just believe that you are suppose to support your children no matter what. I have been use to my dear, dear hubby and I just doing things for each other. Not because we thought the other would do something in return or because we felt we owed it to each other, but just to see each other smile. Just to let each other know how much they are appreciated and loved.

She has made it very well known that she keeps score. I was suppose to move in here to take care of her, so she says that is what she expected. I think she is resentful that I have things a little better than she did. I have a wonderful husband who spoils me rotten, kids that are happy and well rounded. I have a good, solid, blissful life.

My dad was very abusive to her and to us kids. But I wonder now, if maybe the abused HAS become the abuser. She sure reminds me of dad these days. I really hate saying that, but I have to be honest with myself if no one else. I think that is so sad that she had a rough life. I just wish she hadn't decided it was the best she could get and became bitter over it.

I don't know. It is very frustrating to be the child that has a different set of rules than the rest. I watched my mom bail my brother out of jail numerous times for drug use and distribution. He has done her terribly, but she still backs him up on anything and everything. Even when he continued the drug use while living with her. I know this sounds like jealousy, but believe me it isn't. He had to have someone step in or he would have died. I just wish I had her support in SOMETHING! And right now, this is the time that I could really use it. Instead I am getting treated like an outsider and she is keeping score on everything she does for me.

I know it isn't going to be easy to recuperate in this house. I just really don't have the strength to move out. Nor have I been able to work because of this pain, so it wouldn't be easy running two complete households on DH's single paycheck. Been there, done that. Really don't want to do it again if I have a choice.

I just keep hoping that maybe, at least while DH is here, things with her will change. She is different around him. I can't wait until he is here. It would be better if he were coming home for good, but I will take what I can get and be happy to get it!

Sorry it is so long. I ramble a lot sometimes. I just want to hide in a dark corner and cry. I love her dearly, and I respect her for everything she has acomplished on her own. I just wish that she wasn't so judgmental.

Thank you all so much for your great replies. If I could move out right now I would. But I really don't see where I could. Belive me when I say that there is nothing I would like better.

Unread 02-25-2002, 01:16 PM
Living up to unreasonable standards?

Nakona, I wish I was closer to you! If you need something, let me know okay??

Sorry that you had such a rough time of it...maybe you need to talk to your mom and tell her and prepare her. Would your doctor say something to her?


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