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I Am Losing It... I Am Losing It...

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Unread 03-13-2002, 03:55 AM
I Am Losing It...

Hi sisters,

Prayers to all who go to the castle today and Happy Birthday to all March 13th princess'.

I am losing it badly. I was calm as a cucumber yesterday BEFORE I went to my pre-op yesterday. Plus it was my birthday, so I was feeling o.k.

Even while at the castle I was just taking it all in, talked with the anesthesiologist (can't spell that word) because I am allergic to everything under the sun. Had my blood drawn and gave some urine and told the nurse, I have my period so she marked my tube to note that. O.K. so now I go in to see the surgical nurse. She was very kind and had to have them bring up my chart since I had emergency surgery this past February 8th and the cystectomy last August. We went over everything and she gave me all these papers. BEFORE the TAH, AFTER the TAH, a TAH calendar of what to expect and do.

Then we got to the living will and proxy. I said ok I'll take it home and read it with H and have it ready for the day of surgery. Then she checks the computer and sees that I'm in for 3:30 p.m. on March 19th. I said that late. I'll be losing my mind if I have to sit in the hospital room waiting that long. She said I'll probably be bumped up and that my doctor just put me in and the schedule changes as it gets close to the day. My luck I'll be having surgery at 9 p.m.

So I get home and my pharmacy can't fill one of my anxiety medications because it's too early. By 6 days!!! This is a medication that I can't be off of. I leave numerous messages for my dr. and no response.

Now me and H are discussing the living will and proxy and my man of strength is tearing up as I tell him about it and then I lose it and I told him that I chose to do DNR (do not ressusitate) and all that. Then I can't handle it so I put the **** papers on top of my dresser and say we'll get to it this weekend.

I know I sound like a baby. But I have been treated for anxiety, manic depression and bi-polar disorder for 9 years. Taking medication for 8 years. So the littlest thing sets me off especially now.

So this morning I plan to get my behind to the drs. office and get a RX for my meds. if I have to beg him and go to my pharmacy. This is a controlled substance so it's not easy. I honestly don't know what happened to this RX. I am so careful w/ all my medications.

Then I open my daughter's backpack and there's a letter that someone in her class has Fifth's Disease. Fever, headache, lace like rash on body. She had a fever Sunday and Monday and complained of a headache. Now I have a headache and I'm thinking "You've got to be kidding me!!" Maybe it's just my nerves, but I'm shaking like a leaf right now and I want to just crawl under my comforter and not come out.

The nurse also said the surgery can be from 2-5 hours. I'm thinking this is it. I am going to throw up right here on her desk. My Mom was in the waiting area and was wondering what was taking so long.

The nurse also said that my dr. didn't order an enema but it's a good idea to do so. No douche necessary, but when I get to the castle they have to shave me. I'm thinking ok, so besides the pain, now I'm going to itch for weeks until the hair grows back.

Please ladies, help me. I organized my house, but my head is spinning. I feel jumpy (because of my meds.) and I can't think straight. I need to talk.

I'm counting on my sisters to come through. I don't handle talking about death very well. I get all freaky. Especially when it's mine I have to decide about.

I'll be anticipating any and all responses. God Bless sisters.
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Unread 03-13-2002, 06:56 AM
Think good thoughts!

Poor thing, I am so sorry you are having all these problems! If I can give you any comfort, it is to fill your head with good thoughts. Hand over your worries to the King. When I get in a tizzy about all the things that are going wrong or COULD go wrong, I try to remove myself from the situation for a little while. It seems to make everything much better and put things in perspective. Is there a park where you could go and see nature in action, listen to running water, watch the birds? I find that gives me peace and makes me calm down. Or could you go to a movie? Sometimes throwing myself into the life of someone else, even a fictional character, will help me gain perspective on my own life. I am one week pre and did my pre-op hospital junk yesterday, so I know the worry and anxiety you are feeling. I started thinking about what would happen if I died and did I need to write a letter to my children and started to get very upset. Then I stopped myself and said, "Why should you die? You've been through several surgeries in the last couple of years and you did fine. For that matter, you could get killed any second now if it's your time. Why dwell on this?" So I decided I would try to instead have some fun today. I'm taking my kids to an IMAX movie and I'm sneaking off by myself to Target to get prepared for my upcoming rest. (I'm buying the Sex In the City dvds to watch--I love that show, but I'm afraid it will hurt when I laugh!) I'm going to pray for you right now, and I hope something I have said helps you a little. At least you know that one of your sisters is with you in spirit.


Unread 03-13-2002, 09:16 AM
I Am Losing It...


Happy Birthday yesterday. I hear the panic in your message. But while reading your words, I had this feeling that you will find your strength because you clearly recognize your problems and you know what you need. Once you get your meds you will be better but then you will be left with the feelings of a pre surgery sister. Many, many women have written unable to get a handle on their worries and nerves. This is common. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have experience with this and are so in tune with what is going on.
Your doctor needs to know about your daughter. And those forms you must sign will be difficult...but so important. Both of you reacting to the forms, just tells you how much you both love each other and your life together...this is a good thing. Stay busy with preparing for your homecoming...and do at least one fun thing with your family like Kath says.
You have all my support and please continue to inform us of your days ahead. For some reason though, I just feel that you are a very capable person who can take care of business. The only way to get to the other side, is to go through it, and you will make it. You are not losing it...it just feels that way.

Big, Big
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Unread 03-13-2002, 09:52 AM

Hi, Dawn! It is so normal to be anxious and stressed before major surgery--especially a hyst which is such a personal one. But I'm sure you will do fine and be recovering as a pampered princess before you know it. I would reconsider signing the DNR form, though. These usually are what an elderly or terminally ill person signs when there is no hope of recovery if they were to go into cardiac arrest. You, on the other hand, would want *all* measures to resuscitate you if there was an unanticipated complication during your hospitalization! It would be very rare that a hyst patient would have such a serious complication, though. So try not to dwell on the negatives, and think about how much better you're going to feel after recovering from this. Waiting is really the hardest thing in the world. 's and best wishes! Ruthie

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