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No Children...... No Children......

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  #1  
Unread 03-19-2002, 03:23 PM
No Children......

Hi, I'm back.....I got a call today from my regular physician, who my DH and I adore. We also adore my gyn so we're fortunate. He got the results from my gyn and called with my second opinion. I guess I was hoping he would say "no no, you just need this little thing done" but he said "Donna, you're a mess" and he confirmed all my problems - one cyst larger than my uterus, one cyst over 3.5cm, one over 2.5cm, various other small ones, fibroids, endo, and my right ovary adhered to my uterus. He said even if I changed my mind and thought about having children, he doubts it would happen.

So I meet with my gyn Thursday to finalize and I should have a date to report. I've been married 20 years this August, got married at 18 and for the first few years we thought about having children but somehow made the decision to not have them, not something I regret but I don't like being told I can never have children no matter what.....

We have three beautiful goldens who are our real babies but I don't know, upsets me that I feel like someone else has made the final decision for me. We love our life and I can't honestly say if things were different I would have children because I really don't think I would.

Anybody else made the decision to not have children and then been told to have a hyster.......I have all these feelings, I'm strong mostly but sometimes...
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  #2  
Unread 03-19-2002, 03:32 PM
no kids but 2 cats

Hi,
I don't have children either, and I actually have never wanted any. I had the SAME feelings though...it is so different when someone else says that they are taking the option away. I guess it is a loss of control thing, no one likes feeling not in control, especially of their body.

i got over it though...took some time...now i just cannot WAIT for the hyst.

Good luck
  #3  
Unread 03-19-2002, 03:42 PM
No Children......

I know exactly how you feel. I was 28 when I was told I needed a TAH. My husband and I had always said we didn't want children, but it was always a future possibility. However, that choice was immediately taken away.

I am glad I had the surgery, and would do it again, but I still sometimes get sad that there is no option in the future to have our children.

I wish I had some wonderful words to help you feel better, but I really don't. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
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  #4  
Unread 03-19-2002, 03:42 PM
No Children......

I have had children, but I think no matter what, there has to be some grieving involved with the loss of such an important part of our female anatomy. I guess we don't realize how deep the significance of this is to us, until it comes time to say goodbye to something.

You sound like an intelligent woman, who with your husband, made the decision that was right for your life. If you have a meaningful relationship with someone, and find joy and peace in your life, that is the important thing.

I think what you are feeling is normal, and to be expected, and probably shared by all of us whether or not we have had children. Its a lot different than having your tonsils our, a lot more personal, a lot more emotional, and can really impact our perceptions of ourselves, our fragility, our mortality, womanliness, everything. But more than that, what comes through in so many of the messages here, is that we are STRONG. You have the inner strength you need to draw on, but maybe you just have to go through the process of a bit of mourning, saying goodbye to one facet of your life, but walking through the door to the rest of it and making every day count!

Good luck!

Tina
  #5  
Unread 03-19-2002, 05:40 PM
No Children......

I think maybe it's having someone else make that final decision for us that makes it hard to deal with...even if we thought it was a "done deal".

Just a thought, but a second opinion might at least reinforce that you've made a good decision for yourself...you'd know that you've explored all options and come to the decision that way.

No matter what, it's a door closing. But like they say, when a door closes, a window opens somewhere else. You'll have a new lease on the life you love, with better health, more energy, and a clear future ahead.

This is big stuff, no way around it. But it can be a very positive step, too.



Karen
  #6  
Unread 03-19-2002, 06:03 PM
You Read My Mind!

I have always had no desire to have kids; I can remember telling my gyn when I was 18 to just "take it all out"...it wasn't until 5 years later that I had a lap to confirm endo everywhere.

My docs would never entertain the idea of a hyst due to my age, saying I was too young.

So now the gyn I've seen for years finally conceded and suggested the hyst after another lap in December did no good.

Even at that point, I was fine...it wasn't until my surgery was actually scheduled that I started having these weird feelings. I'm sure it's about the control issue.

I still do not want kids, but I've finally figured out that I was the last shot for my family to have little ones running around. My cousins, nieces, and nephews are all at that snotty stage...I miss the days of innocence. I miss being around little kids who adore you.

So I told my friends to get going on the baby-making, so I could babysit!

Even if I didn't have the endo, I wouldn't have kids.

So glad you posted about this; thanks.



Karen
  #7  
Unread 03-19-2002, 06:34 PM
No Children......

It's wonderful to talk to women who have gone another way than me - just as happily. I wanted kids really bad. As much as I dearly love having them now, though, it wasn't what I'd pictured

My uterus is leaning the wrong way ... on top of the top of my rectum which, together with the prolapse causing my inflamed cervix to bulge into the rectum and my deep rectocele, makes it feel like I have to "go" all the time (when I really don't). This alone makes me feel less adult ... and more toddler whose too busy doing her playing and doesn't want to take time out for the boring old bathroom. And the clincher ... when the kids are fighting (every evening), I KNOW yelling is "lazy" parenting, but do it anyway and blame my parents for teaching it to me ... and then I run to the bathroom "just in case."

Might have been easier to adopt ... or rethink motherhood. Different strokes, all good folks ...

Just remember, you made your choices on valid ground, as I made mine. Doubting them is normal, whichever side of the fence we're on, but serves a reaffirmation purpose (to answer any remaining questions about motherhood, you can take my boys for a weekend). One of my sisters has 1 (a "textbook" kid, how rare), and other sis chose not to go there (and, watching and loving nieces and nephews and then sending them home gives her all the kid-fix she wants).

Be reaffirmed, and refocus that your doubts may be more emotionally attached to the also-normal fears or anxieties of the upcoming changes. Though for the better, there is going to be the time of adjustment and healing. I keep telling myself to listen to all that have gone before us ... waiting is ****, after is laughter. God bless.
  #8  
Unread 03-19-2002, 09:05 PM
No Children......

Hi Donna
My name is Donna too, but no one knows that, so don't tell anyone... keep it our secrect :-)
I am 39 yrs old, no kids & honestly never wanted them. My hysterectomy is tomorrow, and I'd be a liar if I said on brief occasions I say I want kids... but deep down I don't really want them. I LOVE kids, I LOVE to play with em & when I am done give them right back to their parents. I have always said I am too selfish for kids, I didn't want to chose between getting braces for a kids teeth or going on a trip to Europe. Recently I met a wonderful younger man. Fortunately for me, he doesn't want kids either. I just never really saw kids as part of my life.
  #9  
Unread 03-20-2002, 09:18 AM
No Children......

My husband and I didn't want children either. He even had a vasectomy in 1998 because we were absolutely sure. Even so, it is hard having that door closed. I've been having up and down emotions about this whole thing. It's definitely a life changing experience. My TAH will be done so I can avoid getting cervical cancer. I admit that the cancer potential freaks me out more than never bearing children, but I still feel like I'm losing something. From reading others posts, I know my feelings are normal and I just try to ride them out. It really helps to have others experiencing the same thing.

If you're like me, you'll have good days and bad while waiting for the surgery. Hang in there and remember we're here for you.

Hope this helps!
Susan
  #10  
Unread 03-20-2002, 01:25 PM
No Children......

Donna,
I too know what you are talking about. My husband & I chose to not have children for various reasons while we were still in our twenties. He had a vasectomy when he was 30. I too like kids and even helped raise a niece and nephew. But I do not want my own.
When I reached menopause, I felt a sense of loss. Not about not having kids, but that I couldn't have them. Do you understand what I mean? Like the others said, the decision was now permanently decided. Funny, because I couldn't have had them anyway. I would not have ben able to have them by my husband The dear sweet man.
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