how do you make children behave?????

hi
i am 33 and 4 weeks post-op.I have 3 boys aged 8 5 and 3.Most of the time so far they have been looked after by other people,but when they are at home my 5 year old will not do anything i ask and to make matters worse my DH is sided with him and not me.

In just under 2 weeks it is the Easter Hols and the boys are all at home for just over 2 weeks with just me and i have no-one that can help at all,only DH at weekends and evenings.But what am i going to do with my middle son?If i ask him to do anything he says no or crys.I used to put him in his room,but will not be able to do this unless he willingly goes.Also in UK we cannot drive for 6 weeks post-op and the weather is to bad most of the time for him to play in the garden.

I really am started to dread Easter arriving and DH not supporting me with this son is very hard as battling is very tiring to us punctured princesses isnt it?

What can i do????

Debbiexxxxxx

Hi Debbie, I wish I had some answers for you but all I can offer you is (cyber-) tea and sympathy. I just had to read your post when I saw the subject line, and I will keep checking to see if anyone has a good answer for you, because I could use one too! I have two boys, ages 12 and 8, and they are at each other's throats constantly. It is very stressful for us es to have to spend all our time refereeing fights! I have had to constantly remind them that I can't handle the stress very well because of the surgery and hormone changes, and they do understand, but they forget 5 minutes later!
Hope somebody comes along with some good suggestions soon...
s,
- Linda

(((Debbie)))) It is when I read posts like yours that I realise just how fortunate I was to have MIL to look after my then 9 1/2 yo son and 5 yo daughter, during my recovery.

Anytime when mom (or dad) is not feeling up to far is very hard on the kids: on the one hand, they are confused and worried because we are not feeling good, on the other, they are very rebellious because, all of a sudden (or so it seems) mom is not available to do all the things she usually does for us. And dad may be having a hard time with the long hyst recovery: they you are, lounging and resting all day, while he's at work and you want HIM to look after the kids in the evening and week-end??? The nerves

I suggest that, first, you handle daddy: print out the FAQ's on how the family can help the recovering Princess. They're available from the Hyster Sisters Home Page. Also print out this thread and any thread that deals with the length of recovery. Make sure to point out that initial recovery from a TVH or TAH is 6 to 8 weeks, but that FULL recovery is from 6 months to 1 year.

Once daddy realizes that you need help, you'll have to work on the kids. Personally I find that I can't appeal to their sense of empathy or sympathy. In other words "Please do this for mommy, because mommy's tummy hurts" will simply not work. I find that making a game of it or putting emphasis on how mature they are is more likely to work. My son really enjoyed races: let's see who will dress faster, mommy or you?? My daugter prefers challenges: are you big enough to do this?

Also, remember that he's only 5 yo and try not to expect too much from him. Maybe the 8 yo can help out. Or maybe your dh can do some of these things you want done.

If it doesn't need to get done, they don't insist: at one point, someone (dh??) will get sick and tired of the mess and will do it. Or the kids themselves will realize that it's much better for them to go and get their own snacks, if it means they're going to get one.

I know that this is hard, but now is the time for you to recover, not to fight with the kids or instill principles. It's like when you were Pre-Op: you have to prioritize things. If it's not important enough, don't insist.

Sending tons of s your way. Hope this helps.

Linda, here's what "I" would do with your 12 and 8 yo: if they can't behave and fight all the time, I send my kids outside (drives MIL crazy because she is afraid of what the neighbors will say). When they're ready to behave and get along, they can come back inside. Sometimes, it's just a matter for them to expand all of that pent-up energy!!!

That eight in my name is for the eight sweet ones that call me "Mom." (ages 18 down to 2)... I used to be a yelling, screaming mom - and I have learned to be much more patient. When I respond with anger - they respond with anger - AND they focus on my anger and not on what they did wrong.

I'm much calmer now than I was in the beginning.

We have a piano bench - that we call "the buddy bench" and when two of the children aren't getting along, that's where they're sent. They have to stay there until THEY work it out calmly. (Sometimes it takes a LONG time...) But it's good for them to work things out on their own.

A friend of mine sends her two on the front porch and makes them "sing" their argument - until it's resolved... I've tried this one too and they usually end up laughing and having great feelings towards each other after this singing time.

With so many in our home, we have a lot of little break-outs in behavior, but they have minimized as I have expected good behavior.

Good luck with your sweet active children. It's all worth it!!!

eight*is*great

Hello I have what might be a really unpopular suggestion, but it is working for me with my 11 and 8 yr old boys this week (spring break). I'm a little over 3 weeks post op and not up to this challenge. I also know my oldest is worried about me (I have had several other health problems he can remember, different surgeries) and so he is a handful these days. So I bought them some new video games and 2 board games to keep them busy. I know there may be better ways to handle this, but I seem to be on edge even when they are behaving. I'm also being super easy going when nobody fights-kid food for lunch (on paper plates), a soda in the afternoon, more tv time.
Now when they do fight or get really out of line, they clean. I need the help anyway. I direct because even at their age you'd be amazed how much they "forget" how to.I direct as they pick up the clothes, then the toys, then the trash, whatever it takes before I think they get the message. This seems to work better than any other punishment I have ever tried and it is actually a help to me. I plan to continue this way of dealing with bad behavior even when I am recovered.

Best of luck,

hi,debbie..sorry you're having such a rough time..never realized how lucky I was to have grown up kids till this surgery..I sent my 11 year old twins back to stay with my oldest(he's 28) and his wife till the end of the school year..
they are usually pretty good at home,but at times,they just can't even breathe in the same room without a fistfight,and I just was not up to it..

are there any older teenagers around you,who you can farm them out to for a few hours,a couple of times a week,when you are alone?? most teenagers will do just about anything,including playing with little kids,for some money..

otherwise,I think teri has a great idea...a special "recovery" toy/video game/what have you..my grandson (from the 28 year old) is only 5, and they bought him a new set of dinosaurs, and a new movie to watch..whenever he cries and acts out about "Gramma Cyns hurt tummy,and I"m not even there to hug her!!",they pull out the new stuff,and it does a fair job of distracting him for a while..

Hang in there

Cynthia

thanks for all your kind replies.

Still worried about the Easter break,but i just thought the op. i worried about,lost sleep etc etc and in the end it was all ok.So the same will apply to this as well and if the kids dont behave there is always tomorrow!

1 weekk to go until the hols. start,i will keep you posted.

Videos dont work in this house as they all want something different and the younger one doesnt like taking it in turns,but never mind.

8 you are doing well and your post made me laugh the bench sounds a good idea,but how do you get the little ones to do it.

best wishes all
love debbiex

Debbie,

Thanks for the note back. I have my hands full will this bunch, but they are a great bunch.

Using the Buddy Bench for children to work out their problems has worked wonderfully. I must admit, it works best for the 6-12 age range. The little ones, I quite often have to sit them both on my lap and help them talk it out. It's a toss up sometimes, because you want them to learn to talk it out themselves... I've been blessed to have great older kiddos - and they've been super examples for the younger ones.

I also remember someone telling me, when my two oldest were my only little ones, that her mom did something - she didn't know what - but her mom helped her and her two brothers become the best friends in the world! They wanted what was best for each other no matter what! I thought to myself - that's what I'm going to do!! I want my children to be best friends with each other. So I encouraged kindness and ONLY complimentary words in our family. Well...here we are - six more children later - and I must have done something right. They are normal children, that fuss at each other occasionally, but for the most part - they get along great. Our family motto is, "If you think something nice - SAY it!" We often have our family time on Monday nights - where we just go around and say something nice about the person sitting next to us.

Oh my - it's all sounding a bit sappy, but it's not - it's just a great place to live around all these cool kids (and an awesome DH too).

I wish you well. Take care and keep resting. I've had bits of pain still and I'm over 8 weeks out. I've decided this feeling 100% will be a process for a while (not just a few weeks and back to normal).

Keep smiling,

8

Debbie, you do have your hands full. I do daycare and find that the kids act up a lot more when they are bored.

There are a lot of good web sites for children. There are also web sites with ideas for crafts etc. for kids. Check out daycare sites- they have many ideas. If you find any projects that use scissors you might want to be close at hand to make sure you don't have an aspiring barber among the group. There are also web sites made especially for kids. My youngest daughter is now 12 but up until a year or so ago Zoog Disney was one of her favorite web- sites. They have some fun games and interesting stuff. Maybe you could have the oldest play on the computer and put a video in for the 5 and 3 year old.

As for the children not listening. Kids really do try to live up to what we expect of them, okay, not always- that would be a heaven- wouldn't it. But, for the most part if they feel they are helping you (especially when you aren't feeling well) a lot of times they will try to do more to show you how big and responsible they are. Having your husband backing you up would be a tremendous help.

I had a friend who made her kids hug until they quit their fighting. I never tried it. I was sure my girls would just be pinching each other or pulling each others hair - while hugging. LOL.

Good luck getting through the Easter break. Remember- they do grow up.
Cyndi