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dh made me cry and now I can't stop.. dh made me cry and now I can't stop..

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  #1  
Unread 04-05-2002, 07:52 AM
dh made me cry and now I can't stop..

Not as bad as it sounds... I found out on Wed. that I needed a hyster for sure. So yesterday I went and did some shopping, got my tummy pillow, new gowns, etc. Last night when dh saw everything that I bought he got a little huffy, or bothered, I didn't understand his reaction. I asked what that was all about, he said, everything you've said or done this week has been about this surgery. I understand I'm probably obsessing about this and it might be hard for someone else to take, so I promised him I would keep chatter about this to a minimum and that he would only be told stuff on a 'need to know' basis. He quickly did a turn about and said no, I could talk about it all I wanted, it was just that he was scared and I was so nonchalant, almost like I was excited about it and was getting ready for a vacation.

When he said that, I started to ball like a baby, told him that I was really scared too, but this is how I get thru things. I try to take charge of the things I can control. Ask questions, try to make informed decisions and get prepared. I don't see how my falling apart and scaring him and the kids is going to help anything. After that, he told me that he really need to see this part of me, that now he understood and felt like he could help. What's up with that? My crying made him feel better?? Geez.. He went to sleep after that and I weeped well into the night. This morning my eyes are swollen and I'm still on the verge of tears.. Glad he feels better! ; )

Anyone else had that kind of reaction from dh? I haven't seen many postings on how family members react to the news, or how we can best deal with them and still take care of our own needs.

Thanks for listening, looking forward to hearing from others and how their dh's reacted...

Oh, one more thing.. Last night I woke up with a severe case of night sweats. I mean I was totally drenched, hair wet, had to change gowns, etc.. I've experienced a couple of minor night sweats before, but nothing like this. Could this be related to the emotional outburst I had? Or can the fibroids I have be affecting hormone levels? Just wondering where this came from. I get my sugery date next week, I hope it's soon. I can't imagine having to wait weeks or months for this stress to be over!

What a great site! Thanks to all the sisters that are here to support us. I might have had a meltdown if it wan't for this site...

Sherry
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  #2  
Unread 04-05-2002, 08:12 AM
I am so there with you!!!

I just got back from my Dr.'s appointment, where we set the date, June 11th. My dh turned to me and said "now that you have a date, will you quit obsessing with this? Will you quit going out to the website everyday? Will you try to get back to some semblance of normalcy?" I just clammed up and turned in on myself. All I've done since then is cry (privately in the van on my drive to the office, not in front of him)!!! I think that in my case our roles are a bit reversed. I must admit that I do come out to this website everyday, but I'm always finding new things to read about. Things I hadn't thought of yet!! Dh is being extremely laid back, and kind of oh well, whatever!! Sometimes I wish he would act a bit more interested! I'm sure that it is just as your dh said to you, he is very worried about you, and most men have a very difficult time expressing their emotions, so they tend to growl, and then when we get upset, they become even more upset because they realize they have hurt us, without meaning to, and then they are really at a loss as to what to do!!! Given time, I'm sure that things will be better, especially once the surgery is done and over with, and he realizes that everything is going to be ok. Now, if only I could apply this same kind of logic to myself, wouldn't that be great!!!!!

Lots of HUGS for you. It will get better!!! It has to!!!!

Cat
  #3  
Unread 04-05-2002, 08:35 AM
dh made me cry and now I can't stop..

In my case it was different. Found a very large suspicious-looking ovarian mass ( a bit by accident as I was having no pain) and surgery was 2 weeks later. I didn't have time to appear as though I was obsessing because for those two weeks they did a ton of other tests and he came with me because he was worried.

But I did notice that he wasn't terribly supportive of my decision to have EVERYTHING taken out. I made that decision because of uterine and ovarian cancer in my family history and thought that as long as they were in there, if the mass was benign (it was), why leave anything in there to GET cancer in the future. And besides, I'd been experiencing perimenopause for the last couple of years and knew it was only a matter of time before I was menopausal. He seemed to be focusing on how this all might affect my sex drive. It really made me angry that his pleasure was more important than my health. We finally had some "heart to hearts" about this a couple of days before the surgery and found that we were both concerned about the same things, but expressed only those things we thought were "safe" to express without worrying the other person. I found out that when the doctor came out to the waiting room to tell him the mass was benign, he was visibly relieved and later told me that he felt like a huge rock came off his chest.

We all react differently to stress and men seem to act particularly wierd under stress and it comes off as insensitive. They view us as always in control and always in charge and they don't know how to deal with their wives being incapacitated for any length of time, much less weeks! But they snap right out of it after you have your surgery and they see you are fine. My husband was a gem while I was recovering and was more of a pillow police than I was!

But a good cry never hurt anyone and I personally recommend them once in a while! Hang in there princesses-to-be, this will all be a distant memory a year from now and in the meantime, we're still here to support you.
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  #4  
Unread 04-05-2002, 08:48 AM
dh made me cry and now I can't stop..

During the month between knowing I had an enlarged ovary and uterus, before we saw the gynecologist, my dh seemed to not even think about it. At the consult, he was obviously relieved when the doc told us of the small chance of cancer. He had been worried sick about cancer and never let on (thinking I had not considered that outcome).

Now that we have seven weeks to wait before surgery, he is again seemingly disinterested. I, on the other hand, seem to be obsessing. I mean, it does affect whether we go to the wedding in May, and the company picnic in June and possibly even the class reunion in July, not to mention how I'm going to feel if/when his parents come to visit when I'm two-weeks post-op. I want to go to my 8th grader's graduation in early June--will I be up to it?

Maybe it's the same with me--if I feel I have everything figured out and I'm in control, I will relax.

I do feel bad that I am so self-absorbed, but I have never had surgery before and NEVER, NEVER been told I had to limit my activity. I'm scared and need reassurance. I'm getting it here and since I can use the internet just about all day at work, he doesn't even have to know how much I'm here.

I did show him this site last night, some of the neat features I've discovered and I think he saw it as a good outlet for me. If I have all of these sisters to talk to, I can get it off my chest and not bother him with constant concern.
  #5  
Unread 04-05-2002, 08:53 AM
I'm Sorry

I understand how you must feel and I hope DH comes to understand how stressful a situation this can be for all family members. Support at home is necessary to help our frame of mind. To ensure a quick recovery and help keep the blues away. I want to wish you well and hang in there and remember there is alot of support here for you and everyone in your situation. This site has helped me alot too!

Warm wishes to you
and a and for you

  #6  
Unread 04-05-2002, 09:23 AM
dh made me cry and now I can't stop..

My surgery is Monday. My DH is dreading it since he hates hospitals. He couldn't stay more than an hour or so at a time with me when the kids were being born! We will get thru this too.

Men seem to want to not talk about these things, while we feel better talking about it and getting it all off our chests.

Good luck. Do what YOU need to do and what it takes to take care of yourself. He will be there for you and everything will be fine. My DH doesn't want to talk about or listen to me. The only thing he asked is what time do we have to leave Monday morning. I'm fortunate to have a couple of good girlfriends who have been thru this and listen to me and encourage me. If it weren't for them, I would be worse off!

Good luck and you are in my prayers.

Love,
Brenda
  #7  
Unread 04-05-2002, 09:42 AM
Hi Sherry

I think we are all obsessed with our surgeries before the big day. This is major surgery, the first surgery for many of us and it is a big deal.
I am not married right now. But I do think men need, to be needed. For many of them that is how they show their love and concern by being helpful. They need a task or job to do. It is so much easier for them than "talking about it".
I have been superwoman my whole life. I was so non-challant about my surgery when I was first diagnosed (how do you spell d-e-n-i-a-l ?) that everyone else acted the same way. I finally had to break down and cry and really let DS and DD know how scared I was and that I needed them here. They were planning on going to Vegas the weekend of my surgery.
We are here for all the support you want. Have you been in the chat? A great place to talk it all out.
It is a rollercoaster ride. But pretty soon you will get, to get off.

P.s. I do think the emotions can bring on the
  #8  
Unread 04-05-2002, 09:45 AM
Men are different from us! (DUH)

I know how hard this is but just a word of advice.....
My husband has listened about everything I have had to say on this subject and has well, been acting quite removed from the subject(rools his eyes even, to a point).
This surgery is needed for myself and he has not reacted the way that I have.
Keep in mind that my Husband's Mother passed away from Cancer about 3 1/2 years ago and it all started with her having a hysterectomy!
While I was going in for various tests and ultrasounds he said not one word!
It wasn't until after we found out that the results were negative that he told me he was scared about this whole thing.
Trust me...it's on his mind as much as yours....he's just not talking about it! That seems to be the way that most (not all) men seem to deal with this.
Unlike us they prefer to be alone with their thoughts and fears whereas we prefer to be more open and talk about it.
He loves you hon, and trust me he will be there for you.
If he's like my Husband he doesn't want to keep talking about it cuz' it reminds him of all that YOU are going to have to go through and I'm sure he feels helpless in helping you to cope with all the thoughts and fears that are involved!
Give him his space and be sure that he comes with you to your pre-op appt. Even if he doesn't ask questions, he'll hear what he needs to know form the Doctor.
He's probably as scared and confused as you are....hang in there and know that we are all here for you!!


jdd
  #9  
Unread 04-05-2002, 09:50 AM
dh made me cry and now I can't stop..

Hi,

My DH has been very supportive, although I can tell by his reactions to me obsessing about surgery that he has "tuned" me out. I guess he thinks I just need to talk out loud about it. I have answered all his questions, he came to pre-op appt. with me, and asked a lot of questions there. I have even caught him checking out this website when he thought I wasn't looking. I was really surprised at that. There should be a website just for the men.

DH is planning on being at hospital during surgery and is taking a couple of weeks off from work after to "help" me. It may be more help to having him working as he will probably drive me nuts. lol I am just thankful he is so worried about me and so supportive.

Just remember that men deal with things differently than women and this may be his way of letting you know that he cares what happens to you. The most important thing is to take really good care of yourself so that your life will be better than before the surgery. Who knows, next year at this time, you both may look back and laugh about all of this.

Good luck and lots of s to you.
  #10  
Unread 04-05-2002, 09:54 AM
Surely you are right.

I know, Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. The differences are so clear and I'm sure you are right, that my hubby is as worried as I am. I try to put up a front for the kids (3 teenage boys), and downplay it so they don't worry, but still want the attention from dh.

He doesn't know whether to make me laugh, or hug me while I cry. And I don't know which I need/want the most!! He is great at making me laugh and I count on him for that.

We celebrate our 20th anniversary next week and are going away alone. Hopefully we can talk about the surgery and maybe he'll even open up and express his fears. I have seen him cry twice in 20 years. Once at the birth of our first son and once last month, at my Dad's funeral. I cry all the time, especially lately. Once I stop crying, he figures I'm 'better,' and gets upset when I'm crying again the next day--figuring I must be huritng or something.

Poor men, they never will understand women.
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