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Insensitivity Insensitivity

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Unread 04-07-2002, 09:09 PM

Let me tell you about insensitivity!

I'm scheduled for a hysterectomy on April 12th following a single episode of a lengthy & heavy period which led to the diagnosis of numerous & large fibroids, complex hyperplasia, & abnormal cells. This has already been difficult for me, as I've never been married, have no children & wanted desperately to have children.


Last Friday, in my job as a probation officer I had to go to Court & as they were resetting the hearing, I advised the Judge I would not be able to be there that date (I had told his Court administrator about my surgery & she had told him in turn). He said I should just make sure I talk with the prosecutor before that date & I advised him I would be out starting April 12th & that the prosecutor is on vacation until April 15th. So then the Judge asked me if I was going on a long vacation. I was just stunned! There were about 10 defendants, 3 of my co-workers, 3 male attornies, & about 20 other people in the Court room! I didn't know what to say, so I just murmered, "No, it's medical." Then the Judge said, "What, are you going to have a nose job?" I practically fled from the Courtroom! On the way out I ran into his Court adminsitrator & told her about it, & she just said he must have forgotten!

Friday night I went to my (long time married) best friend's for a birthday party for her 3 children, whom I adore -- so I went, although I knew it would be difficult. There, her mother told me (I suppose based upon her knowledge that the fibroids are so large that they as distending my abdomen), "Well, at least maybe this way you'll loose weight".

Later that same night, I was helping my best friend clean up from the party, & she told me she didn't know why I was so upset about having a hysterectomy, since I wasn't married or dating anyone right now.

Any good comebacks?

Thanks for letting me vent!
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Unread 04-07-2002, 10:43 PM
Hi Jeandre

I am sooo sorry you ran into so many insensitive people and all at once.
I could think of many great comebacks :burning: as I am sure you already have too *punch*
I don't know why people are so insensitive, rude, callous, hurtful, unconscious (how am I doing so far?). Obviously they haven't walked a mile in your shoes. This is a very emotional time for all of us. Those unthinking comments hurt even more right now.
It is especially difficult to let go of the dream of giving birth (but not Motherhood if that is what you decide you want.) I am sorry that your close friend was not more understanding of your situation. I can imagine how her words must have stung. In the interest of friendship you might want to discuss it with her at some point to clear the air. Maybe after your recovery and when you are feeling strong.
They were all horrible to you. It is inexcusable. Forgive them anyway. Let that forgiveness heal your heart because you are all that matters.
We are always here when you need understanding. We all walk this road together.
Unread 04-07-2002, 11:33 PM

Jeandre, s!! How awful to run into people that just don't understand.

Want a great comeback? Look them in the eye and say, "You know, that really hurts. This is an extremely difficult time for me. I wish you could be more sensitive to that."

Nothing backs 'em off faster than the truth. You'd be amazed.

I hope you don't need any more comebacks before your sugery. And I'm glad you found this site for support.

More s,

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Unread 04-08-2002, 01:11 AM

Jeandre, I'm sorry you have run into this problem of people shooting off their mouths without thinking. I'll bet if you polled all the sisters here, you would find that 99% of them have encountered the same kind of situation. I know I have!!

There is a thread on the post-op board about 'comments from friends', I think you would enjoy reading it, and it would probably make you feel a little better about what happened. It will probably even make you laugh.

I agree that the best thing to do is tell people that what they have said is hurtful, or at the very least inappropriate!!

I'm sending you s and warm thoughts. Remember, you can always come here and vent when things like this happen! This site just about saved my life before my surgery, and is still helping me daily (I'm only 18 days post-op).

Hope to see you around the boards.

Unread 04-10-2002, 07:05 AM

I'm sorry you have to deal with these insensitive people. As far as what the judge said I think that was really bad of him to assume something else. If he ever found out you were having a hysterectomy I would think he would be embarrased for making that comment. Did you ever answer his question to that comment? All men are not like that though and I heard about one lady who had her moment of truth when she stood up at a business meeting (with all men), in her pink suit and pearls, and "flooded" all over the gold carpet. A kind gentleman (with a hyster wife) covered her with his coat and helped her to her car.
Here's a thread about what some people did say to their boss or others. I personally didn't volunteer the info unless I felt it necessary. I decided to stay not say to much about it because I didn't want hurtful comeback. However when others knew about my surgery, they wrote me back and comforted me telling me they had the same thing done. Here's a link that may or may not give you some ideas about what others thought when they heard the word hysterectomy.

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