How can I get them to understand??

Hi gals,

I'm having a tough time recently at work. Since I returned to work on the 18th of April after my hyst, I've found that I'm having a hard time remembering things as well as I used to. That's made me get behind in my work.. and with an increase in my overall workload being as I was out for 5 weeks, I can never seem to catch up. This is making me VERY frustrated and anxious, and I've definitely got the "not able to take not so nice words" thing going on too that I've read about on here.

I just don't have the concentration or patience level I used to for some reason. I just don't want to have to deal with any more bull**** from people who don't know what the left hand/right hand is doing and want to scapegoat me so they don't have to take any responsibility. It tires me out. (pity pot? maybe, maybe not).

I'm on Welbutrin for fibro (150 mg 2x a day) and had my estradiol upped from 2 mg to 3 mg. on 4/18. Am feeling much better now, sleeping well, just started an exercise program and am physically feeling better. I've suffered from depression with secondary anxiety for 6 yrs and am in therapy, in recovery and keeping abstinent & sober, feeling pretty good about the major issues in my life right now on a personal level, but professionally things are getting hairy.

The problem? I am having major mood swings still, especially early in the morning upon awakening and upon trying to pull myself back from ANY criticism/professional error at work (like losing a file or forgetting to print something; I'm an admin asst.). A co-worker I trust with a lot of personal stuff asked me today if everything was all right, I seemed to be a lot more depressed than before my surgery and also a lot more anxious. She's right; I've been flying off the handle at myself and shutting down, not wanting to talk to a lot of people. (Mostly because I don't want to incriminate myself!!!!!)

I know a lot of it is due to the depression/hormones link & getting used to being menopausal. I tried to explain to her that going through a hyst at my age (31) is a huge emotional change for a woman and that I'm adjusting still to a recent hormone adjustment, but I could tell she wasn't buying it completely. I guess to most people who aren't hystersisters it sounds as kooky as "oh, she just has PMS. Right!". But it's TRUE!! I'm getting worried about my on the job image/rep being damaged by my physical health impacting my emotional well being... so..

Is there a way of explaining, in plain language and a brief sentence or two, the impact that hysterectomy can have (removal of ovaries, uterus, tubes etc) emotionally on a woman who is under age 40? I know I can't GET everyone to understand, but there has to be some way of explaining that this isn't all in my head!!!!!!!!!

Thanks..... (grrr frustrated tonight)

Dressy

Hi, Dressy,

I've thought a lot about your situation, and I'm sorry to say that I just don't have an answer for you. It has been my personal experience that people often have a very hard time understanding things they haven't experienced for themselves.

There seems to be a lot of ignorance, among the general population, about hysterectomy and its effects on a woman. People either seem to think that a hyst is a terrible, deforming surgery OR that it's about as serious as having an ingrown toenail removed. People seem to "know" of someone who died during the surgery, or someone who returned to bareback riding in the rodeo the day after a hyst. They seldom know of someone who had a normal, six to eight week recovery, with some "brain fog" afterwards.

I haven't met many people (except the actual women affected by a hyst,) who understand that a hysterectomy is major surgery, which requires months for recovery, and sometimes has side-effects which also require time for recovery. A hysterectomy often results in a better lifestyle for the woman, in the long run.

I think that finding a brief but thorough explanation, to include the subject of "brain fog," which people will understand, is going to be difficult.

We can try to educate people, but it is difficult to get them to understand, unless they're really motivated to learn.

I'm sorry that I can't come up with a better answer. But from what I've seen, people really don't get it.

I'd suggest that you do the best job you can at work, and try to maintain an even demeanor at the same time. Continue to work closely with your doctor, and if the medications you're taking aren't helping you, after a reasonable period of time, ask about changing the medications or the dosages you take.

You have many Hystersisters, and we do understand what you're going through. It's always OK to come here to vent. We're always here, and we care very much about you. I'm sending you many cyberhugs, and I hope you'll be feeling better soon.

Sending healing hugs,
Helen

Hi Dressy,

I just wanted to add some supporting words along with helens,I so understand what you are feeling and saying. I see that you had your surgery 3/18/02 and that is only a short time since your surgery. This is a very slow recovery, and from my own experience I can share with you I suffered so bad with deppression, panic attacks, not wanting to deal with people. I just wanted everyone to stay away, I wouldn't answer the phone, I felt very alone and so overwhelmed, And brain fog......I would look at a family member and not for the life of me know their name. And I know they thought I was nuts, that I really lost it,
well then I found books at boarders, and I read up on what the unbalance did to our brains as well as our bodys.
I copyed the parts that I thought they would understand, And it worked!
Go easy on yourself, you will feel better as time goes on, I am 10 months post -op and I am starting to feel like things are coming together more and more. It is so hard for people to even begin understand what we go through, and the way I try to handle that is, I myself did not understand what a women goes through with this surgery, I have a few friends that went through this, and I was so upset for them, and felt for them. But I truly did not fully understand what they felt, not till I went through it myself.Try not to worry about anything but getting well, and know its going to take time, rest when you can, and know this , WE understand , we feel your pain, and we care so much about you, and are here for you anytime you need us.

lots of s..........."SIS"

I haven't had my hyster yet, but I recognize a great deal of what you are going through from another experience I had.

When I was 29, I was married to a wonderful man who, unfortunately, had an undisclosed drug problem. By that, I mean that I didn't know what he was doing with his friends while we worked opposite shifts. To make a long story short, he was arrested for DUI while enlisted in the military and, rather than face the consequences of his actions, killed himself instead. He was missing for 2 days before a whole herd of khaki-clad men came to my office to officially convey the Navy's regrets on the loss of my husband.

I took a few weeks off to take care of the arrangements and try to comprehend what had just happened to me. Bottom line, when I went back to work, the same thing happened to that is happening to you. Every little thing that happened around me seemed so ****ed insignificant compared to what I had just been thorough that it made me angry to have to deal with everyone. I couldn't focus, concentrate, remember things (my life became a veritable plethora of sticky notes reminding me to do things), and at times, felt as thought I couldn't control my temper.

Don't blame everything on hormones or previous conditions you've been living with. The one thing I understand clearly so far about hysterectomy is that you need to grieve! It really sounds like you are having normal grief reactions...and don't let anyone try to tell you that you go through the stages of grief one at a time in the same order as that convenient little list they have to identify your feelings. Grief is hard and horrible and you have to go through it in order to understand it and move away from it.
You had a big loss in your life and it will take some time for you to learn how to coope with that.

debindiego,

I am very sorry to hear what you have gone through,And I understand the pain of losing a young husband. I lost a wonderful man in a car crash, I was also left with young children . Our lives were shattered, It took everything I had to go on with life, and to build a new life for me and the kids. I want to explain that what you are going through[Grief from death] And the Grief from the surgery, Is not the same.I am telling you this from BOTH of the losses that I have been through, the experience of losing a spouse can not be told by someone that has not lost a spouse, And the experience of this surgery can not be told by someone who has not been through it. When I lost my spouse my heart was broken, when I had to go through the trauma of this surgery, It was not only my heart broken , but also my body. the fact that I no longer have any hormones and going through a chemical unbalance, the painful overwhelming and frustrating days, the night sweats and hot fl, the feeling like I am not in my body, and so much more the only way you will understand is when you go through this , I am speaking from both experiences, It is not only stages of grief but stages of healing. I hope we can offer you the support and understanding that you will need after your surgery,

God bless

My apologies for attempting to help. I shared my story not to gain sympathy but to make an obviously vain attempt to shed some additional light on someone's situation. I'm very well aware that I haven't had my surgery yet and don't fully know what to expect or how I will respond afterward. I had hoped that my sense of compassion would help that young lady to broaden her horizions in attempting to cope with her situation but it appears that I'm not qualified to do so because I'm still in possession of my faulty uterus. My impression of this site was that people were here to help one another through a tough time...not to remind them of their inadequecies. I've been put in my place now and will stay there. Thank you for making me feel so welcome to participate.

Hi, Deb,

I have never lost a spouse, but I'd like to offer hugs to both of you.

I did spend many hours in therapy with a grief counselor. I needed help dealing with infertility, after several years of invasive and unsuccessful medical treatment. For me, the loss of my children, who would never be born, was unbearable.

The grief therapist I saw assured me that people often experience the same stages of grief with any type of major loss. My therapist saw people who had lost a loved one, who were terminally ill and losing their own lives, who had experienced other types of losses, like me.

While the magnitude of my loss may be different (to me) than someone else's loss, we all go through similar stages. Often, we move back and forth between the stages of grieving. Because I have suffered a great loss, I may be more able to sympathize with another person's great loss. As we suffer pain and grief, we learn things that may help another person.

Because I suffered the loss of being able to bear children, I think I'm better able to understand how women feel after a hysterectomy (another loss I've experienced.) I have lost both of my parents, and other people I loved. I don't know how it feels to lose a spouse, but I can still offer caring and support to someone who has.

I think your reply to Dressy was supportive and caring.

One thing you'll find, as you spend some time with your Hystersisters, is that you'll meet people from all walks of live, different cultures, and different backgrounds. When you post an idea, not everyone will agree with it. Others will offer their experiences and ideas. By sharing our ideas, we learn from one another. By opening our minds to the ideas of other women, we may also learn something.

I don't think Sisterneed intended to chastise you. I think she was share her experiences, just as you did.

All of our Hystersisters are welcome to share ideas and opinions openly. We do ask that you try to be caring and supportive. You are welcome here.

Sending healing hugs,
Helen

Hi debindiego,

I am so sorry that I may have not been clear about what I was saying, I was fully agreeing with you on the grief of the loss of a spouse, and the grief that we, the women that have experienced this could only know , I could also understand the grief of losing parents, I was also to grief counselors, and they would not put me in the same group as women who lost a spouse to illness. I can and do feel very sad when I read about a sister who is hurting about something I myself have never went through, So I will offer hugs and support of being there for her. As I did feel you were doing with dressy, But I only was sharing that for me, my experience, with both the passing of my spouse and having my hysterectomy were totally different from one another.
you are welcomed to come here anytime you need support, to share experiences, and to vent your feelings.

s God bless