need a friend

Make a long story short. On my 33rd birthday found out pap was bad (precancerous cells), 3 weeks later (May 9, 2002) was in the hospital have a total hysterectomy. Never had a chance to catch my breath. I have 3 small children 7,4, and 1. I wanted what was going to keep me around to watch them grow up. There were also other problems. I had migraines bad, so that is why we had them take the ovaries. I thought about how I would feel not ever being able to have kids again. It didn't seem real because I still had everything. Now it is hitting me hard. I don't regret a bit having the surgery. I wanted to be here for my kids, watch them grow up and grow old with my husband. I have an empty feeling inside. Like I'm not complete or something because I can no longer have kids. Then I feel bad how can I get upset about not having kids anymore when I am so lucky to have 3 healthy kids (1 boy and 2 girls) I feel like I am still so young to have gone through this. I don't know anyone else my age that has had this done. Two months ago this wasn't even part of my life and now it seems like it is my whole life. I know I am just 3 weeks post-op. Does it get better with time? Is this normal? Thanks and take care.

JaneMarie: lots of 's

I am sorry you are going thru this emotional turmoil. I understand exactly what you are going thru, been thru it myself & still get occasional twinges.
I was 36 when i had my TVH BSO last Sept. I have 3 wonderful kids- Jennifer will be 19 next week, Jason is 17 & my "baby"- she is 6. When the 6 yr. old started kindergarten last Aug. i remember how for her birthday i brought cupcakes to her class & had lunch with her in the cafeteria. The whole way home in the car i cried :cry: buckets !! All i could think of was how she was growing up so fast & how i would never have another baby of my own. I felt like my heart had been ripped out along with my uterus. And then i would beat myself up feeling guilty because i had 3 wonderful kids of my own. And there are so many women who cant have bio kids of they're own. I can only imagine how hard it must be for them- my heart & soul goes out to them.
It is still a loss nevertheless, whether you have had 3 kids or no kids. You still feel it. Its that simple. And it DOES get better !!
I am starting to feel the "twinges" again though. My DS will be a senior next Aug. - my only son all grown up :cry: There i go again.........
Are you on HRT? You are still fairly new post-op but i do know that if you're hormones arent balanced it can cause you problems. The hormone jungle is a great place to go if you ever have any hormone-related questions. I still have to post a question there every now & then.
Good luck to you & remember- we are here for you when you need us !!

Susan

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am 27 and although I tried for 3 years and never was able to conceve, I still had hope of a child until my TAH/BSO. After my surgery the finality of it hit me, and still hits me on occasion 5 weeks later. At 3 weeks, you are still adjusting to the hormones, your schedule is all messed up, you are probably tired all the time, and it all can affect your emotions. Just take care of yourself, and know that we are all here for you!

Hi, Janemarie,

I'm sorry you're feeling empty after your surgery. You're not alone in your feelings, though. Many women have posted here about feeling sad or depressed after a hysterectomy.

It doesn't seem to matter whether a woman has children or not. I've read posts from women in all sorts of situtations (had children but wanted more, had children and didn't want more, didn't/couldn't have chidren but wanted them, didn't/couldn't have children and didn't want them) and we often seem to share very similar feelings after having a hysterectomy.

We've placed great value on our female reproductive organs since we were young girls. Often, possessing those organs has defined who and what we are. When those organs are surgically removed, we often feel a huge sense of loss. This surgery closes the door to childbearing, forever.

It's my personal opinion, based on reading many sad posts, that women experience a huge shift in hormones after a hyst. Women who kept their ovaries and women who didn't often post that they feel like they're on an emotional rollercoaster, with nobody at the controls, for a while after their hysterectomy.

Women who've had a hysterectomy seem to go through the stages of grieving, just as people who've experienced other types of losses. It takes time to grieve over a loss. With time, the strong feelings usually become less intense, as we finally learn to continue living after our loss.

In short, it sounds like you're experiencing some normal feelings. Yes, with time, you'll probably feel better.

If you are feeling extremely depressed or anxious, please let your doctor know. Medications are available to help women get through this difficult time. Also, if you feel that you need help, please consider professional counseling.

We're your Hystersisters, and we're always here for you. Many of us have felt the same feelings you describe. It's always OK to come here to vent, talk about your feelings, and receive comfort.

Sending healing hugs,
Helen

Hi !! I am so sorry about what you are having to go through I am having my surgery June 5th and I know I can 't have children anymore because of my bad uterus but I can relate to what you are saying .. It don't really hit until after it is all said and done.. Just think of those beautiful babies that you do have I have 2 boys age 4 and 7 and I thank God every single day that they are in my life and I know you feel the same about your babies.I know your hormones are crazy right now and you are depressed but there is alot of people here for you and can answer questions for you and definatley can relate to what you are goin through . I hope everything goes well for you !!

I haven't had my hyst yet, so I can't say I know how you feel totally, but I have suffered from depression, have ridden the hormone rollercoaster and all its resultant angst, and have had a in situ cancer of the cervix (one less thing to worry about post hyst) One thing I know about the depression and hormone stuff is that everyone can tell you you are going to be ok but it is just SOOO hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel that everyone else seems to be able to see. Give yourself time and permission to feel what you feel. You lost a part of who you defined yourself to be. Just keep reminding yourself that you are passing through a hard time, but you are PASSING THROUGH. and remember that the hormone rollercoaster makes things seem/feel much worse. It will get better.

This is the right place for shoulders to cry on. Email me if you need someone to talk to. I will be praying for you to feel better soon.

Hi Janemaries

Sweetie you have friends here and we care and understand just how you feel,
This surgery is so very hard on us, I did not find this site till I was 6 months post-op I was so alone and overwhelmed, I couldn't understand what was going on with my mind as well as my body.
I know longer felt like a women and even though I also have children I would be so sad with the thought that I can't anymore. And the nutty thing I didn't want anymore, I would look at women in the stores and wonder if they were more woman then me, I felt like I went home in someone else's body.I to was rushed to surgery, and had no idea what was going on or what was going to happen, But I think most of us had the same feelings. you are so very early in recovery,things will get better as you do, Depression is something that almost every sister suffers with and takes something to help them get through the days.I had to go on antidepressants since this surgery and feel so much better since then. I know that empty feeling all to well,The unbalance that we go through is terrible and what you are feeling is normal. you can't help it , it's not your fault or something your doing. It's the unbalance, Rest sweetie and try to relax stress makes things so much worse, If you feel you need something to help you talk to your dr, keep posting we are here for you and care very much, s to you

"SIS"

I know when I made the decision to have myself sterilized, I agonized for a while, but at the time, I had had 3 problem pregnancies, 1 ending in miscarraige, and was told after my daughter was born that the risks of having more would be greater with each child. I had my son anyway, I did not want an "only child". After that, I had to decide the greater risk, having another child and possibly dying, leaving my other 2 motherless, or to count my blessings...

The only time I have ever regretted my decision was when my daughter died, (leaving me with an "only child") and that was just briefly. my husband actually suggested reversing it, and after about 2 min I said no way.

my advice to you is...hug the three children you have every day! enjoy them as completely as you can!

p.s. I now have 9 grandchildren, when I feel those maternal instincts coming, I borrow a few for a few hours...that usually takes care of it...then I get to send them home!

Janemarie,
Things will get better. It just takes time. Your feelings are completely normal. I am almost 6 months post op and am only 23 years old. Sad to say, there is many of us young ones here. I felt completely alone until I found this sight. There are many caring women on this sight. Please feel free to come and vent when you need to. It helps with the healing process.
I will be praying for you.
God Bless,
Charity