empty feeling

I am new at this. My DH and I have been trying for children for a quite of awhile I have done fertility pills and injection and nothing work. I would feel so let down. But when I ask the Dr. if I can have children I would not really get answer. Will in the past they told me that I had poly-cystic ovaries and four years ago another Dr. said that I had polyps. Will I went to Dr. about over a month ago and was told I needed a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, D&C. After a week or two of the surgery I had to go back in to the Dr. and find out of what the problem was. This was a day that I was not expecting, the Dr. told me that you are unable to have children, from that point on I was just numb. The Dr. said, that you have (Atypical) Endometrial Hyperplasia and that I would have to have a adbominal hysterectomy. This was one time my husband was unable to be with me at this Dr. appointment, of course, they let me call from the Dr. office to talk to him, he was at work at least he wasn't to far away. So I went to where he works at and was told that he could go ahead leave for the day. He felt really bad of not being there this one time with me. We both felt like something has been taken away from us. I felt like I was dealing with a death in the family. My DH has been very supportive, I wouldn't know what to do with out him. My mother is also very supportive, she is like my best friend, sister. There is times it upset me when I see somebody holding a baby and I know that I will never have the opportunity to care a child. But I am trying each day to deal with it. I am really glad that I found this forum.

Hi, JudithDawn,

I'm so sorry that you are unable to give birth to children. I received the same news, years ago, and for me, too, this was a huge loss.

My husband and I had endured years of unsuccessful infertility treatment. I wept every month, when the doctor's office called to tell me that bloodtests showed I wasn't pregnant, again. When I finally persuaded my doctor to tell me, honestly, what my chances were of giving birth, and he told me that my chances were poor, I was devastated.

I felt that all of my unborn children had just died.

I grieved endlessly. Although my husband, family, and friends were very supportive, I couldn't get enough support. Every time I saw a pregnant woman, a baby, or a child, I cried. I was literally inconsolable.

Eventually, after nearly driving myself and my husband crazy, I knew that I needed help. I chose to see a grief therapist. She worked with people who had suffered all sorts of losses, and she helped me to acknowledge the magnitude of my loss, and to find reasons to keep living.

My husband and I adopted a beautiful little girl. She is twelve years old now, and the light of our lives. She says we're her real parents, because we're the ones who changed her diapers, got up at 2 am to give her bottles, played tooth fairy and Santa Claus, helped her with her homework, took care of her owies, etc.

In my experience, it takes time to grieve over the heartbreak of infertililty. For me, it took help from a mental health professional, also. I'll never regret admitting that I needed help. I couldn't have gone on without counseling.

You're always welcome to come to Aching Hearts, to vent, share your feelings, and get some hugs. You have many Hystersisters, and we care very much about you. We're here for you, JudithDawn.

Sending healing hugs,
Helen

Judith Dawn, I am sorry you are grieving right now I think it takes years to resolve issues with infertility.There just really isnt anything too ease your pain or fill your heart and for that I am sorry.I have been married for 15 years and like most thought we would start a family and run into happily ever after with our little joys well that isnt how it worked out we suffered miscarriages once we finally conceived then began our quest I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrom then adenymosis and then severe atypia hyperplasia that resulted in the conclusion that we would not have children then we looked into adoption and I have two beautiful daughters that I feel were waiting for me and a 10 year old fosterchild we are now also adopting.All I know is once upon a time I honestly believed and I hope noone misunderstands me but I thought I could never love a child that I did not carry birth and raise then I was shown of just how sweet the unknown can be.It took years before my husband and I dealt with our issues and I still think we will grieve and hurt for years to come however Judith Dawn sometimes when you feel so alone you find out that so many other people can benefit from what you have hurtfully discovered.Something I know you never wanted to know about please know that there are alot of understanding others to help.Take care and God Bless you.Felecia.

I've been sitting here reading your posts, knowing I need to say something and not knowing how to chose the right words so please bare with me. I had 3 boys, one died as a new born and the other 2 are grown and starting lives of their own. I can't even begin to know what it feels like to be told you can not have a child but....... those of you who adopt are MY hero's. You worked at becoming a parent much harder than I did. You don't take any part of your childs life for granted. You live with the unknown as far as medical concerns. You live with the possibility that their birth parent will pop up out of the blue and suddenly you will have to share your child. Your hearts are incredible and you make people like me want to be your friend because I already know what kind of person you are because you sought out your child. Your children got the best kind of parent God could create and I thank you. You are amazing people. 's Karlene

Karlene,
Wow, you have a great way of saying things that come straight from your heart. Very well said. And you are so right.
Haley

Dawn,

I understand exactly how you feel. I am 35 years old and have had fertility problems since I was 28 (when I started trying to have a baby). I eventually had my hyst last year.

I was, like you, trying as hard as I could to convince my family and friends that I was okay with all of what was going on in my life. Well, it was just not true. I was miserable every day of my life. Every where I looked I saw pregnant women. And, as much time as I spent at the gyn's office, they were every where!

When I finally realized that I wasn't going to have conceive, I started grieving for all of the children I would never have. It really helped me to do this. I stopped trying to make everyone think I was a super woman, that could handle anything life threw at me. And, it was amazing the support that I got from (almost) everyone. My mother is like my best friend, too, and she has been so supportive through all of this.

My husband has been through the ringer with me too! He has dealt, like a champ I might add, with every emotion from me that is imaginable, and unimaginable. I am a blessed woman to have so many supportive people in my life.

THEN, my husband and I adopted the most precious little girl that was ever put on the Earth! She is the light of our lives, and there is no way that I could love a "biological" child more than this child. If you decide you're ready for children, adoption is a wonderful thing.

I have come full circle in my life. I finally know the answer to the "why me" question! I was put on this Earth to be my daughter's mother! I would never have found her if I had conceived!!

Please hang in there, and know that it's okay to grieve. For me it was part of the healing process, which is still going on! Surround yourself with supportive people, they will help you get through this.

God Bless and take care!!

Kristi

Dawn,

I know exactly what you are going through, because right now I am experciencing that same feeling of loss. When my husband and I got married almost 4 years ago, I thought that we had all the time in the world to start a family (I was 25 at the time). Little did I know then how wrong I was. When we were married only 6 months, I found out that I had endo. That fall it was removed, but I was told that I would have to wait before trying to get pregnant. Well, I then had fibroids growing on my uterus that were eventually removed, but again was told that I would have to wait to get pregnant. Then I switched doctors, and my doctor was confident that I could begin trying. Problem was, I was in such sever pain that I could barely walk, much less....well you know. Then I had a series of three laparoscopies to remove adhesions, cysts, and eventually both fallopian tubes and my left ovary. After that my doctor felt that I could go through IVF treatments to become pregnant. My husband and I thought GREAT! We can now start a family. That happiness was short lived when all the pain came rushing back, and it was then discovered that my hormones caused the pain. So after agonizing over the choice that I had for a while, I decided to go for the LAVH in March. Well, needless to say my physical health (in that department anyway) is better than it has been in years. But my emotional health is all over the place. One minute I am happy as a clam, the next, I am crying for no apparent reason.

And last month we found out that my husband's cousin is pregnant. I was crushed. Though it didn't help that we found that out the day of his grandfather's funeral either.

I know that things will get better over time, but it is hard.

Email me anytime, and we can cry together.

Terri

Hi

Thank you for your responses. It helps when you know that there is people out that care. But I tried to deal with this at one day at a time.

Hi, JudithDawn,

You're right, of course. The only way to approach your situation is one day at a time. Undoubtedly, some days will be easier than others.

Your Hystersisters are wonderful women, who will always be available to offer caring and support. I'll keep you and your DH in my prayers.

Best wishes,
Helen