HOME FROM THE CASTLE (humorous account)

Well, as of 3 PM Monday, I am officially home... I think everyone should have abdominal surgery so they can add it to their "What I Can Say I Have Done But Have No Desire To Ever Do Again" list. Let's just say that as a surgery practice administrator, I always KNEW there was a reason why I stayed on the OTHER side of the table!

Here's some things I learned while I was visiting the lovely (hospital-shall-go-nameless here) Castle:


1. Over a 5 day period there are innumerable ways to disguise "Clear liquids". I've made up my mind - apple juice will NEVER cross my lips again, unless it's at gunpoint.

2. There is something very sick about having the words Milk of Magnesia, prune juice, apple juice and suppository in the same sentence.

3. Staples are something one should buy from Office Depot; not find attached to one's skin. Just think, 25 documents now exist without proper "closure" because of me.

4. None of us really know what being "overworked" is. Overworked is 2 RN's with 18 post-op patients working 16-hour shifts with no aides to help. It's called self-service recovery - look into it! So what if your IV infiltrated 8 hours ago and your hand is swelled and shiny - suck it up and drive on! It'll go down in a day or two. Geesh!

5. Patient Care Technicians should NOT be allowed to have blood pressure cuffs without proper training and oversight. It's not fair that they be allowed to blow your IV when they're not allowed to fix them.

6. Even RN's don't always remember to check the the various "rights": right patient, right medication, right dose, right route.... (Do you know how much of a head rush you get with Dilaudid given IV?)

7. No one should ever have to stay in a semi-private room with a stranger. Come to think of it, when you spend all your time walking up and down the hallways trying to pass gas, beds are highly overrated anyway.

8. It's probably too much to expect that someone during your your hospitalization would think to discuss wound care, how to get in/out of bed, discharge instructions, give your going-home prescriptions, etc. Just be happy that they found the time to put the discharge paperwork on your bedside stand and by the way, make your bed on the way out, will ya!

9. Thanks to the continuous loop of the Newborn Channel, I now know more about breastfeeding than I ever wanted to know.

10. In summary: I think former CEO of the (hospital-shall-go-nameless) would roll over in his grave --- and he isn't even dead yet.

Seriously though, I'm back in the saddle again - sort of. Grandma's moving slow, and working from home, but at least she's moving .


PJ

Thanks so much for the laugh, even tho it seriously HURTS to laugh, even at 2 wks post-op. You reminded me of how very lucky I was during my castle stay.

That was good for a laugh. I knew there was a reason I went with the desolving sutures! I had the great opertunaty of a 14 day castle stay due to a blocked bowel after surgery. Almost got to go in for a second surgery. But things finally started to move. I will tell you this, it will be a long time before I will eat another popcycle. That's all they would let me have in 12 days. I was fed by a pick line in my arm. But I really didn't have much problem with the TAH, I was on Moriphine for 12 days. Never really felt the pain. And my insision healed up quite nicely. I also got 2 more weeks off due to the complications. But I go back to my life next week. And life without is going to be great.

Welcome home, PJ!!!

You should change your career as a hysterectomy comedian after you are totally recovered.

So smart, and witty. I felt about lot of things in the hospital the same way as you did, but I could not write like you!

I got out of the hospital in just one day because I was so hungry, I kept asking normal human food but finally they gave me dinner the same menu as a breakfast - a red jello, ice water, apple juice, that was it.

I even took IV out of my vein myself because i could not stand the swelling. The nurse would not take it out of me without dr's approval.

So before I had to eat another jello, I just walked out of hospital and hailed a taxi to my home. It was good thing I did not have any pain.

Fast recovery to you!!!

Congratulations on your escape from the castle! I'm sorry you had such an, uh... "interesting" visit, but glad you are able to find humor in it. Whatever fun meds you're on - keep taking them.

Here's a title for your upcoming hysterectomy humor book: "Laugh 'til it Hurts"

Seriously though, I am very concerned about the nursing shortage and it's effect on patient care and risk. I am a pretty hardy old gal (I had a vertical incision for a TAH removal of a soccer-ball sized fibroid - went from Dilaudid shots to one dose of Percocet to one dose of Ibuprofen to nothing and have nothing since), and I wonder what would have happened had I been more "needy" and frail as some of the patients on the floor were. Some of the ladies were older, had hysts for the big CA, etc....

I found it apalling that no one EVER told me to hold a pillow on my abdomen - they weren't even in the room to help me get up. It still hurts thinking about trying to get out of bed.

Humor comes into play here again... They'd done me a "favor" by taking the catheter out, which, we all know, means that one must go potty on the Big Potty. Ouch! I was determined to do it - by golly. I was gonna take the bull by the horns! As I lay there in bed, being the cerebral giant I am, I contemplated the best option to maximize my efforts and minimize the pain. It was like Candid Camera - someone had to be taping this - because this couldn't be happening to me without someone at least getting the benefit of a good laugh I assured myself.

Obviously nursing care had changed in the last 10 years since I'd had my last surgery. They just don't help people up anymore, I rationalized, and I could accept that. I'd do it on my own.

I thought that I'd begin by hanging one leg out and down by the floor to get closer to the edge. Ouch!!!! No that hurt.....Well, I was definitely too far down in the bed so I was going to have push myself up in the bed. I put my knees up/together and tried to push msyelf up....WRONG!!!! PAIN AGAIN!!! (Panting now, drumming my fingers..deep in thought...determined to find a way). Well, hmmm..."Go to Plan B" I thought. The nurse had put the side rails down, so I couldn't grab ahold of either of them to roll over.... Somehow, I had to get rolled over and gain some momentum to get up. Aha! I got the brilliant idea that I'd put the head of the bed up... that was IF I could find the little button-thingy. It had fallen down by the side of the bed (since the siderails were down) so there I was, all sprawled out (very lady-like I must admit in my hiked-up hospital gown showing my one-fits-all fish net panties and industrial sized pad) looking as if I was doing the the back-stroke to find the electric bed contols. Well I found it, pulled it up to me and pushed the button. Whala!! The head of the bed started going up...YIKES!!! PAIN!!! My abdomen was bending.. it was obvious THAT was not the answer. Finally I just decided to do it. I placed my hands under my hips and pushed myself up a bit while twisting and rolling over. The pain was like nothing I'd ever felt in my life. I thought my abdomen was going to rip open, but I did get upright.

I was still looking for the camera, and have to laugh about it now. There I was, standing with my feet about a yard apart, panting, looking around thnking, "Okay, I'm standing up. Next agenda item: figure out how to breathe". For whatever reason, I felt as if my entire entrails were falling forward and out, and as such I was breathing in but not out. With each breath, I would huff in short breaths deeper and deeper, but was unable to breathe back out. It was obvious I was hyperventilating.

I began talking out loud, self-coaching: "Okay, you're up now. Now breathe....Good... now get the IV pole with your right hand...Okay...Remember, breathe!....Okay move very slowly toward the bathroom door.....Good. Breathe!!!...Okay, you're in the bathroom." Then I froze at the stark realization. It hit me that I somehow had to get my underware down, sit down, relax enough to void (bladder spasms, yikes!) wipe myself (no easy task without bending and causing more pain) stand back up, walk back to the bed, manage to get back in the bed (which meant the reverse of the above), etc.

So I opted to walk and thus began my journey of marathon walking in the castle. I do not exaggerate to say that I walked miles! Up and down, up and down the hall. Albeit slowly, I DID walk.

One of the medical assistants that works for me, when she heard of my upcoming surgery, looked at me and said in her syrupy-sweet "concerned" voice: "Gee, I hope everything goes okay with you. I knew someone who had a hyst and died on post op day 4 from a DVT (deep vein thrombosis). She just didn't feel well and dropped over dead. But I'm sure you'll be fine..." I tucked her comments away in my mind (seeing as she wasn't happy about her performace evaluation) but I DID make it a point to walk at any and all opportunities.

Back to my original pont: the nursing shortage. We're all getting older and it scares me to think that at the time when we have the most people needing healthcare (as the baby boomers get to Medicare) we have the least nurses. I heard this week that the nursing schools are having trouble recruiting/keeping faculty to teach in the programs. Web nsites like these will become more valuable for patient teching which is woefully missing in my never to be humble opinion.

Well anyway, this post has gotten long. I'll get down off my soap-box (now (actually, I prefer to think of it, not as a soap box but as a Fanny Lifter - those of you familiar with "The Firm" workout videos and their step aerobics know what I mean).

Take Care. My best to all of you.

PJ

PJ,
Thank you so much for the "not so funny" but couldn't help laughing story!~ I think most of us have been there already and many of us have the same concerns as you do! Then people ask me why I'm so into "herbals". HA!
Where I live the nursing school is full, but *ahem* the local hospitals aren't paying enough, so the nurses are all heading to the more metro areas where the pay is double. I don't have an answer, but it sure is discouraging.
Blessings, janet LAVH/BSO

PJ, you really ought to add a "Warning -- Serious Belly Laughs Ahead" note at the top of your post. Thanks for the great description, but I wish I'd grabbed a pillow before I started reading it!

Anne

Pj,
That was such a great account. Too bad that it happened, but it did make for a good laugh. Hope your recovery is going a whole lot smoother than that castle stay. Congrats on becoming a princess. Take care.

Candida

I'm a week and a day from the castle today. I'm sorry your experience was like it was, but I real glad you can see a humorous side to it. It really makes me thankful for my castle story. You'll have to read it sometime, it's called Margaritaville, Thanks for sharing, and thanks for the laugh....(i think...lo)