Friends bailing out......

When I got sick (peritonitis because of one of my ovarian tumors having undergone torsion ~ twisting) I was out of town on a two week vacation. My very best friend who I've been friends with for over 8 years had even offered to drive me to the airport when I left. We emailed while I was there, but when I got very sick something changed.

I came home from California, to North Carolina after six days in the hospital. She almost immediately started acting very weird. She never called and only came by to bring me a casserole (my co-teachers always do that for somebody who's sick and she's one of them.) When I'd talk about how scared I was she'd brush it off and say that "fat people don't get cancer" or "my mother in law had the same surgery, she's fine." Well, I was living with the diagnosis of ovarian cancer that had already spread and the surgery was scheduled for a week later.


I had the surgery and it was so weird that none of my friends came by or called during my recovery. This one especially was one who usually called every day, so it was a BIG change.

When I went back to work on October 1, I noticed that she was extremely cold and one day actually blew up at me over something very minor.

I finally confronted her this weekend and she said:

"I've tried to have a positive attitude through all of this. You ought to be
so thankful and happy that your illness was a wake up call to take better
care of yourself. Instead all you do is dwell on what might have been. And
the kicker is you sound so freaking disappointed!"

I guess her "positive attitude" was saying that she was sure I didn't have cancer and that I shouldn't worry because her mother in law was ok. I feel like she's saying "get over it already!"

I've found that with most of the people I know who have had a very serious brush with the possibility of cancer really have to spend time working through it and getting over it. Another friend (who has remained incredibly supportive) had a stroke years ago and said that he also had to talk about it a lot and process it constantly for a while after he was better.

Does this happen often? Do your friends show their true colors under the pressure of illness? Do they TRULY not see what you've gone through unless they've been there themselves?

This friendship is dead, but I so want to understand what happened.

Mona

Mona
You said it best yourself when you asked this question.

"Do they TRUELY not see what you've gone through unless they've been there themselves? "

Someday, if she has something serious happen to herself or a loved one, she will think of you. She will wish she could go back and be that friend that she now knows how to be.

I know it's asking alot, please don't give up on her. She doesn't know how to support you. She hasn't realized that this is now a part of your life journey that has changed your path completely. She may not choose to walk this road with you because she just doesn't understand.
For now, lean on those that you know you can. Come here and talk to others that are walking down the same path as you. You'll be surprised at the friendships gained. Is there a cancer survivors support group you can join? Check with your local hospital. There you will not only gain strength but be a source for someone that needs a friend too.
Take care of you dear sister, keep us posted. We have pretty tough shoulders and always some hot ready.
Karlene

I have a friend that did kind of the same thing to me. When I was going through all my problems before my surgery, she'd rarely talk to me about it. When I'd bring it up, she'd get a glazed over look in her eyes. When I'd try to talk about my fears of surgery, she'd brush it off like it was no big deal. I expected a call from her the day before my surgery, but she didn't call. I then expected her to call in the morning before I left for the hospital, but she didn't.....it turns out that she called after I left because she heard something bad about taking estrogen and she wanted to tell me not to take it because it causes something, but she couldn't remember what! What great timing for that. She never called or visited at the hospital.....infact, I didn't hear from her until I was about 10 days post-op! I was very hurt! Her husband called to check on me!!! She is very much the type of person that wants the attention and can't handle other people getting the attention. It still hurts to this day that she didn't show any concern whatsoever, but I remind myself that this is how she is and I can't change her....I have learned what kind of friend she is and now I don't expect anything from her. Instead, in times like this, I lean on the friends that are truly here for me. I'm sorry your friend has not been there for you. Maybe she's like my friend and can't handle you having the attention. Or maybe she just doesn't know how to give support....some people just don't! It sounds to me like it could be the attention thing. It hurts, I know....you really do learn who your true friends are when you go through something like this!

I am so very sorry to here this....The surgery was not bad enough but to have a friend that you need support from do this

I had such let downs myself from people I thought would be there.......

Thank God for my DH.............If they didn;t go through it they don't get it..........

Keep your chin up sweetie and know we are her and understand......

God bless and BIG s
Sis

Thanks for your support...... I'm off to work this morning and have to face her at least a bit. You've given me a little more strength to do it with.......

Mona

Mona sweetie

How did your day go??????Ya know I thought about this and just wanted to add that this is nothing you did...This is what she did....She owns this not you........I am sure if it was the other way around you would have reached out.... So don't lose sight of the wonderful person you are and will continue to be.......

Sometimes when people hurt us or let us down we can lose ourselfs becouse it hurts ........

But you know what comes around goes around..........Stand strong for the person you are ...And remember sister you have lots of friends here

God bless....Sis

Karlene, Pasdechat and Sis....

Thanks so much for your kind words. It's really weird having to work so closely with somebody who was your very dearest friend (or seemed to be) for 6 years and to hardly speak to her. People mean more to me than that and I guess the way I'm having to look at this is that I really *didn't* know her that well if she could do something like this. Illness is not a pleasant thing, but it sure can be eye opening.

8)

Mona

Mona,

I'm so sorry to hear about the falling out with your friend. Just know that there are so many of us out there that are dealing with similar situations too.

I am 10 months post-op, after being diagnosed with cervical cancer. I always assumed my best friend would be the one to pick me up too. Like you, I work side-by-side, every day, with my "best friend". I am now at the grieving point of not being able to have children, and guess who just found out they're pregnant. It's all I can do to get out of bed every day and deal with the depression, and now I have to spend all day listening to all of the happy "baby talk". To make a long story short, my "best friend" told me her feelings are hurt because I'm not happy enough for her.

It's a real eye opener to see who will really be there for you when the chips are down. The people you think will be there won't, and the people that are there will be people that you never realized how much they cared about you.

It's very frustrating, and unhealthy from what my psychologist tells me, to be involved in relationships that you do all of the giving, and there's no consideration in return.

Hang in there, and know that there are alot of us out there to vent with when you need to.

AmyLynn

Amylynn sweetie...

My heart is so heavy for you , And with all your own pain and hurt you reached out to Mona I am so glad we have eachother to turn to.........And we really understand the hurt and pain .....


This so called friend just does not have the Heart that you do...How sad to think that someone can be so self centered just to feel she is all that matters....Your DR is right....

You have the right to feel the way you do...I am glad you are taking steps to get well .........

And remember God opens new doors for us when one does close..........

Big s...Keep staying sweet and don't let this get the best of you...You stand above..

God bless
Sis

Mona,

I haven't responded to your post until now because Karlene, Sis and Pasdechat did such a fine job, but now I feel a need to jump in.

I remember when a "friend" (albeit not a close one) was facing a hyst 5 or 6 years ago --- I wasn't as attentive as I could have been, but it was basically because I didn't understand! In fact, I am amazed at how little I knew about the female reproductive system until I started having problems (I've never had children). Boy do I feel like a jerk now!

My best friend didn't want to hear anything about the surgery. She offered to come by and help (she didn't), but now she's starting to have problems, and I'm suspecting she's going to be facing surgery as well. Will I be there for her? Of course! I truly believe that unless you've been through this, you can't REALLY understand.

Amylynn,

I'm sorry you're having to go through this at such a young age and dealing with what's happening....

A big part of the reason that my best friend wasn't into what I was going through was that her daughter was pregnant with her first grandchild...of course I'm happy for her (and her daughter) but....

Sis is right --- you are an amazing person to be reaching out to help others when you're dealing with your own grief!


s to all!